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Things that make you laugh...

My youngest son's college dorm has him rooming with five other guys.

One of them has turned out to be a very homophobic Republican. Demanded to know everyone's sexuality. Youngest wouldn't give him a firm answer, so Roommate is now convinced Youngest is a bisexual.

Just before the holiday break, he ran into the apartment and furiously washed his hands. For like five minutes. The others crowded around the door, wondering if he'd accidentally touched a gay guy or something.

Turned out that Roommate had been fingering his girlfriend that afternoon. Suddenly, he realized that he'd masturbated that morning with the hand now penetrating his girlfriend. Ran home in a panic to wash his hands and now is terrified that he's gotten her pregnant.

Youngest assured him that fingers don't go deep enough to impregnate a woman. Waited until Roommate relaxed, then said, "Unless it was your middle finger...."
"OH MY GOD!"

I'm not sure where Youngest gets this cruel streak. His mother's not like that.
 
Things that make you laugh? Shelves and shelf full of every kind supplements from liver tonic to something called "Horny Goat" dick enhancer, or a natural alternative to Viagra, and even more expensive, in chemists. Why are these places of script medicine allowed to rip off the sheeple?
 
I have to evaluate the training impact of a new software change they're making to the system. I do this sort of thing a lot, and it's usually pretty wild guesswork. I mean, the engineering section usually hasn't designed the changes yet, so the documentation people haven't written the manuals yet, so I have no references except maybe a letter someone writes explaining the just-defined problem and guessing about how they'll go about solving it. Not this time.

There's this button.

The purpose of the button is to...well, that's classified.

The change that's driving the need for the button is classified.

It's actually for a system that belongs to another company so the implementation is proprietary data, but we own the system that indicates the status of this other company's system, so it's our responsibility to fully describe the use of the mysterious button.

And the person at that company is unwilling to go into any details over the phone or email and no one's paying me to fly to his office, where I wouldn't have access to his building anyway.


So today, I have learned that 'fuck if I know' is not a professional response to a request for a work estimate. Hey, they didn't like 'that's classified,' either.

All that's left now is the magic dice... Which the probably won't like. I keep yelling 'Yahtzee!' during start of work meetings...
 
Keith&Co. said:
My youngest son's college dorm has him rooming with five other guys.

One of them has turned out to be a very homophobic Republican. Demanded to know everyone's sexuality. Youngest wouldn't give him a firm answer, so Roommate is now convinced Youngest is a bisexual.

Just before the holiday break, he ran into the apartment and furiously washed his hands. For like five minutes. The others crowded around the door, wondering if he'd accidentally touched a gay guy or something.

Turned out that Roommate had been fingering his girlfriend that afternoon. Suddenly, he realized that he'd masturbated that morning with the hand now penetrating his girlfriend. Ran home in a panic to wash his hands and now is terrified that he's gotten her pregnant.

Youngest assured him that fingers don't go deep enough to impregnate a woman. Waited until Roommate relaxed, then said, "Unless it was your middle finger...."
"OH MY GOD!"

I'm not sure where Youngest gets this cruel streak. His mother's not like that.
Click to expand...

Reminds me of the time when I was asked to supervise a year 10 sex education class (about 16 year olds) and one of the kids thought they would try and shock me (apparently they had before) and asked the question 'Miss, if you dry hump your girlfriend can you get her pregnant?' to which I responded 'yes, if you ejaculate any where near her vagina, the sperm can swim in and get her pregnant.' I have never seen a kid jump 3 feet to the left in such a hurry before. :D
 
Keith&Co. said:
I have to evaluate the training impact of a new software change they're making to the system. I do this sort of thing a lot, and it's usually pretty wild guesswork. I mean, the engineering section usually hasn't designed the changes yet, so the documentation people haven't written the manuals yet, so I have no references except maybe a letter someone writes explaining the just-defined problem and guessing about how they'll go about solving it. Not this time.

There's this button.

The purpose of the button is to...well, that's classified.

The change that's driving the need for the button is classified.

It's actually for a system that belongs to another company so the implementation is proprietary data, but we own the system that indicates the status of this other company's system, so it's our responsibility to fully describe the use of the mysterious button.

And the person at that company is unwilling to go into any details over the phone or email and no one's paying me to fly to his office, where I wouldn't have access to his building anyway.


So today, I have learned that 'fuck if I know' is not a professional response to a request for a work estimate. Hey, they didn't like 'that's classified,' either.

All that's left now is the magic dice... Which the probably won't like. I keep yelling 'Yahtzee!' during start of work meetings...
Click to expand...

Your stuff is priceless. You should read Shit My Dad Says (or at least the Kindle free sample) as if it were a business plan. Seriously, we eat this up with a spoon, and, if you offer it to them, the rest of the world will too.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Wiploc said:
Seriously, we eat this up with a spoon, and, if you offer it to them, the rest of the world will too.
Click to expand...
Thanks, but the effort to get coworkers and friends to sign the releases....man.
Click to expand...

If you put a disclaimer at the front similar to that on tv shows... you know, something like: 'This story does not depict in any way shape or form, real people or events.', you could get away with it. :D
 
gmbteach said:
Keith&Co. said:
Thanks, but the effort to get coworkers and friends to sign the releases....man.
Click to expand...

If you put a disclaimer at the front similar to that on tv shows... you know, something like: 'This story does not depict in any way shape or form, real people or events.', you could get away with it. :D
Click to expand...

"The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, including Dave from the front office, Maureen from HR, and particularly John the office supervisor, is completely coincidental".
 
Did I tell this one already?

I bought a soda from the vending machine. I just kept pressing and pressing the button.
Someone from my unit said, "You know, pushing that twice doesn't make the soda come any faster."
"I know," I agreed. "But until the soda does come, I have nothing better to do."

Later that day, I passed by one of the security areas. The same individual was standing outside the door, pressing the buzzer requesting admittance. Pressing it and pressing it and pressing it...

I pointed out that that buzzer was annoying enough, constant buzzing had to be aggravating as hell inside the lab.
"Yes," he said, "But until they open the door, I have nothing better to do with my time."
Just then the door gets flung open and the individual yanked inside...where the screaming started. "What the FUCK is your GODAMNED HURRY?" Then the door shut.

I walked back to the break area and apologized to the soda machine.
 
I work for the Training group. We work closely with Documentation group.
The other day I asked certain people in both groups: If I spell out the title of a subsystem or piece of equipment, rather than refer to it by the initials, such as referring to the "light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation" in the detonation system, is that using a cronym?

No one replied.

Someone must have forwarded it to our editors, though. A day later one of them walked by, stopped at my cubicle, shown a laser pointer on my desk and said, "NO!" Then walked off.
 
Keith&Co. said:
I work for the Training group. We work closely with Documentation group.
The other day I asked certain people in both groups: If I spell out the title of a subsystem or piece of equipment, rather than refer to it by the initials, such as referring to the "light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation" in the detonation system, is that using a cronym?

No one replied.

Someone must have forwarded it to our editors, though. A day later one of them walked by, stopped at my cubicle, shown a laser pointer on my desk and said, "NO!" Then walked off.
Click to expand...

I've been a tech writer for two decades. Had you and I worked together, you would have driven me bonkers. :D
 
The new form of punishment!

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My next door neighbor telling me would I mind turning down a sprinkler because water hits his brick paving, and it washes out the sand!
I said to him, what do you do, stand over the paving with an umbrella when it rains!
 
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