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Things that make you laugh...

The scary bridge thread reminds me of my dad. He used to be afraid of suspension bridges.
He's from high in the Rockies and doesn't mind bridges built over anything but if they're supported by cables he gets, or used to get, paranoid.

THen one summer, we took the tunnel out of Norfolk. the one that they shut down when an aircraft carrier goes to sea.

Because those things have such a deep draft, they can only make it over the tunnel at high tide and there's still a risk of impact.


Now he realizes his choices are going under a river or over it, and he'll take the bridge, even suspension bridges, every time.

He's still deathly afraid of hurricanes, though. Which is why, the moment he steps off the plane, we say "You're so brave to visit during hurricane season." No matter what time of the year it is, we tell him this.

Out of love, I swear.


Love to see that look on his face...
 
These two lines still make me laugh my ass off. Good thing I read this thread so I could be reminded of them.

25 years ago, I was reading deputy sheriff's reports. These are two lines I can never forget:

1) "I went and collected evidence from J C Penis."

2) "I drove to the Anoka County Medical examiner office and viewed the autopussy."

Nope. No spell check back then.
 
These two lines still make me laugh my ass off. Good thing I read this thread so I could be reminded of them.

25 years ago, I was reading deputy sheriff's reports. These are two lines I can never forget:

1) "I went and collected evidence from J C Penis."

2) "I drove to the Anoka County Medical examiner office and viewed the autopussy."

Nope. No spell check back then.

Another example of why cops need to be psychologically screened. :D
 
I was looking over my annual performance eval with my wife.

For 'customer focus' I have 'exceeded expectations' this year. I exceeded expectations in that area last year, too. And the two years before that.

You'd think at some point, one of my managers would just begin to expect my customer focus.

Am i really getting evals where my boss' boss admits that he has no attention span?
 
I was looking over my annual performance eval with my wife.

Wow. That's one seriously bureaucratic marriage you two must have.

I hope Gmbteach doesn't expect me to go through an annual performance eval.

Well, he did say he'd "exceeded expectations" for the last four years.

The key is to ensure your wife maintains low expectations of you...
 
"We expected you would be terrible, but in fact you came across as mediocre. So well done!"
 
This Thing That Makes Me Laugh started this morning upon hearing that Hillary Clinton is refusing to debate Sanders in NY unless he watches his tone with her, and culminating with this:

View attachment 6251


"You cannot give Reputation to the same post twice."

What kind of crap is that? This one DESERVES 2x.
 
Someone posted this link on facebook...

Hillary blamed Monica affair on her failure as a wife

...along with the longest, stupidest, raving rant, which doesn't have anything to do with the article.

It's long so I'll put it in hide tags.


For the life of me, I do not understand truculence in service to foolishness or lies when someone is forced to confront the Truth.

Senator Sanders represents the Truth and if that isn’t plain enough it is because armies of horn-sporting simpletons are merely Trumpeting Ignorance to suppress his message in service to Fraud.

Our earth is in jeopardy ... and “YES”, it is that urgent, We The People do something about it.

"Congress" under the current anomaly, is no such thing. "Congress", as it currently exists, has done away with itself, in service to Greed and nothing else. The "glad-handing" and "old-boys-club network", must be shown to the ejection chute, as expeditiously as possible.

In fact, our water supply is in peril; the water supply of the whole planet and Hillary and her “gal pals”, down at the club, couldn’t care less, so long as they can continue force-injecting, known carcinogens into the very substance Humanity needs to survive.

All for a “buck”…

“Glass-Steagall” was intended to protect the electorate from criminal banking.

Bill Clinton’s multiple infidelities provided the leverage to subvert and ultimately, destroy the protections inherent to “Glass-Steagall”, once-and-for-all.

Facing impeachment, the Clintons, acquiesced to the demands of 3 republican senators, “Gramm”, Leach” and “Bliley”; Bill, through complicity, in the midst of his philandering and Hillary, through her indifference and aggressive denunciation of Bill’s victims.

nypost.com/…/hillary-clinton-monica-lewinsky-is-a-narcissi…/
Hillary Clinton: a “thing” that laughs at a twelve-year-old rape victim… words fail me.

All for a “buck”…

After “Glass-Steagall” was sacrificed to the demands of unfaithfulness and carelessness, the vault door was literally, blown from its hinges while the banks trampled themselves into Insolvency…

There are 600 Trillion owed to this behavior- that we are aware of; some say it is twice that amount. 600 Trillion, as 10 times the combined GDP of every country, on the planet, is quite enough.

The banks are broken. In a word: “Insolvent”.

The $ 600 Trillion Derivatives Market - Newsweek
Derivatives: The $ 600 Trillion Time Bomb That's...
The $ 600 Trillion Time Bomb Set to Explode -...
Four US banks hold a staggering 95.9% of U.S....
Next bubble: $600 trillion? - WND
Just How Big Is 600 Trillion? - WSJ
Ticking Time Bomb: $ 600 Trillion in Derivatives...
ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM: $ 600 Trillion of...
Derivatives - The $ 600 Trillion Time Bomb Set to...

600 Trillion Dollars is ten times the combined GDP of every country, on the planet and there is evidence that 600 Trillion is only half the number owed.

Capitalism is not broken. It is instead, being held for ransom by the parasitic intent of those, such as the Clintons and every single … er … ehem … Republican? That has opted to apparel themselves in present-day, “TEA Party Dunce Cap”.

Sarah Palin? The “Imbecile-From-Wasilla-Ville ®”, you have got to be kidding me.

Oh and now these criminal, mental deficients have equipped themselves with a “Trumpet”, one on their head and one in their head (bring snacks!)… a “Strumpet” and a “Trumpet” with an “Outlaw Jersey Whale” thrown in to provide enough bulk as canvas upon which to continue finger-painting in their own feces.

These Criminal Clowns are beginning to manifest more horns than Lucifer.

All for a “buck”….

The “Criminalists” are not “Capitalists” even as they have destroyed themselves and if you are so stubborn and dim-witted in your willful ignorance: Go back and read the articles posted above.

Incidentally, these Trillions owed, as created, out-of-thin-air and then fraudulently attached to the “Good Faith and Credit” of the American People are not so much “Horn of Plenty” as Cornucopia to Criminal Greed.

These are not some quaint, twisted Keynesian contortion of “deficits don’t matter”, or equally-bogus, “unfunded liabilities”. Instead, these criminal coupons are given, in our name, among those that would persist in the notion the rest of US are Servile Participants, strictly, because they say so.

Google: “Lynn Szymoniak”. David Dayen has a book, “Chain of Title”, due out any day now.

Google: “Securitization Fail”, by, Adam Levtin.

Google: the “MERS”.

Professor Christopher L. Peterson, currently chief counsel for enforcement of the CFPB wrote the seminal treatment:
scholarship.law.wm.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi…

There is no mechanism in Article 1, Section 8, that places a privately-owned, Criminal Cartel as enjoying the capability to stuff our financial well-being into the funnel they have fashioned in order to project our Present Common Insolvency.

In short, We The People don’t owe them a thing, beyond exposure and a stiff jail sentence, preparatory to Final Judgment.

I only regret Rupert Murdoch and his criminal clown posse “only have one life to give” to the damage, misdirection and Propaganda they have employed to “Criminal-Corporatist Intent’.

And… for those inclined to disagree, your costume and wig do not fool US. Even as you are No True Patriot equipped among so well-balanced a trim of tri-corner hat.

Think of it this way: you are brainwashed to the point of brain dead… so, just like shampoo; reread what is written above and continue until it sinks in. “Lather-Rinse-Repeat”.

Put simply: nobody owes anything to a completely bankrupted banking system. This is particularly True, as the creatures in residence to our financial center are imposters and the debts they have created, in our name, are the products of FRAUD.

No less than themselves.

Horrors!

Have you heard?

Senator Sanders is a “Socialist”!

Well, so is my buddy, Jesus and while he is a lot of fun, I think I will dwell, instead, among the concerns and business plan of my patron Saint and neither of US have any use for “horns” or people that speak through both sides of their tongue.

Instead, We will stick with our own scales even as, ultimately, it is “Perfidy –Incarnate” to suggest the Truth will not speak loudly enough among We The People within the Goodness inherent to Our Collective Soul.

As a supporter of Senator Sanders: You want to send the “Establishment” a message? Pull your money from these banks, yesterday.

Presently, the banks (“HSBC”, “Bank of America” and “Wells Fargo”) are using American Mortgages to launder terrorist and drug Cartel money:
www.businessinsider.com/r-hsbc-sued-by-families-of-victims-…
www.huffingtonpost.com/…/banks-cartel-money-laundering_b_46…
www.theguardian.com/world/…/apr/03/us-bank-mexico-drug-gangs
conservativefiringline.com/judicial-watch-finds-isis-worki…/#
www.liveleak.com/view?i=025_1278014261

There are a bazillion other references and if you have made it this far, I have to assume you have begun to deprogram yourself- “Lather-Rinse-Repeat”.

For those that would like to suggest this noble experiment as given to the concerns inherent to Treason and willful, criminal behavior, you will find there are some among US yet, that will meet you in the laboratory to defy your thesis unto the point of Death.
To suggest any investigation into the Criminal Behaviors of the banks will, perforce, destroy the “Good Faith and Credit” of the American People, insofar as their currency is concerned, is the same as suggesting grown men may continue raping children, because any condemnation to the contrary will destroy Humanity’s Faith in God.

All for a “buck”…

In an effort to send you, on your way, I would like to suggest further, you put down the fruit of the forbidden tree, even as you raise your eyes into the awareness of the world surrounding you- you lack intuition and you make the rest of US nervous.

Try reading a book and if you really must masturbate, please do it at home and rent a porno like a normal human being.

All for a “buck”.

Monsanto is killing honey bees.

Einstein has explained Humanity will linger just four years, after the pollinators have left the planet.

All for a “buck”.

We The People need to show Monsanto the door just as every other country, with any sense, has already done.

I don’t care for cocaine, I just like the way it smells.

In the 1990s the US apprenticed their surrogates throughout South America, while the Criminal Elites manifested yet another horn as appendage to “recreational drug use” in the form of a dollar bill.

But, why pick on George?

Instead, the currency of We The People, insofar as drug use is concerned, manifests any number of faces, given in plowing the furrows of international, cartel product to the point of numbing the whole crowd, into obscurity and for generations to come.

All for a “buck”…

“Lather-Rinse-Repeat”.

The heirs to American Greed; Carnival and carnal abandon of Common Decency throughout South America are no strangers to the turmoil others have blown into their existence, in the Guise of “We The People”.

Even as the recipients to Treatment a la Goldman Sachs, throughout Greece, Asia and the former Soviet Union are any less-aware, We The People are scripted, whether aware of it, or no to Universal, “Corporatist Criminality”.

The most violent and Criminal Among US sculpted the carnage; kidnappings, brutality, murder and the Corresponding willingness to go amongst Innocence as a war-blown whore, deceiver and mercenary in service to “Corporatocracy”, must, in time, be met by those that dwell within the Citadel of Hope and Faith that Tyranny will always find its measure Among “We The People” and although slow to Anger…

It is time to Awaken.

Senator Sanders, We The People and Lincoln’s “Greenback Dollar” 2016



Lordy bagordy.
 
Wow, was that written by Lumenproletariat?

I take it that was a user name here or on a related board? Looks familiar. I'll assume they were a bit of a crank. :D
No, Lumpy's active here. In the General Religion forum he's proving Jesus was real because it's not possible to invent a lie in 40 years or less, and he shows up with even less coherence in the political threads.
 
I take it that was a user name here or on a related board? Looks familiar. I'll assume they were a bit of a crank. :D
No, Lumpy's active here. In the General Religion forum he's proving Jesus was real because it's not possible to invent a lie in 40 years or less, and he shows up with even less coherence in the political threads.

Ah. I did not know this.
 
People get excited about the weirdest things on the internet.

You can take an image of some old thing from the 50s or 60s or 70s and everyone jumps to click Like and post excited comments about how they remember the thing. Uh, yeah, that's a potato masher. Not exactly obscure.

You can also take an image of some mundane thing in your house and add some text about some mundane preference you have in relation to that thing, and not even include anything cute or witty, just something stupid like, "coffee addict. anyone else?" on a pic of a cup of coffee. Or "I like sleeping with a fan on" on a picture of a fan.

Lots of Likes and hearts and stuff, and lots of comments along the lines of "OMG me, too! Always! CanNOT live without satisfying that preference related to that thing! I am so unusual in that regard! And so are you! We are totally weird and stuff!!"
 
Years ago I went to a birthday party for a man I knew. It was a costume party and his costume was a baby. A grown ass man wearing nothing but a huge diaper with a huge pin in it and a bonnet and booties. He also had a pacifier on a strong around his neck.

He was straight and married, so someone thought it would be funny to give him a gag gift of a male stripper. He did not react well. He threw a little tantrum about it and then stomped off in his diaper and booties to his room and locked the door. One of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Did anyone start singing "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to..."?
 
People get excited about the weirdest things on the internet.

You can take an image of some old thing from the 50s or 60s or 70s and everyone jumps to click Like and post excited comments about how they remember the thing. Uh, yeah, that's a potato masher. Not exactly obscure.

You can also take an image of some mundane thing in your house and add some text about some mundane preference you have in relation to that thing, and not even include anything cute or witty, just something stupid like, "coffee addict. anyone else?" on a pic of a cup of coffee. Or "I like sleeping with a fan on" on a picture of a fan.

Lots of Likes and hearts and stuff, and lots of comments along the lines of "OMG me, too! Always! CanNOT live without satisfying that preference related to that thing! I am so unusual in that regard! And so are you! We are totally weird and stuff!!"

You got the rusty potato masher in your timeline today, too, huh.
 
People get excited about the weirdest things on the internet.

You can take an image of some old thing from the 50s or 60s or 70s and everyone jumps to click Like and post excited comments about how they remember the thing. Uh, yeah, that's a potato masher. Not exactly obscure.

You can also take an image of some mundane thing in your house and add some text about some mundane preference you have in relation to that thing, and not even include anything cute or witty, just something stupid like, "coffee addict. anyone else?" on a pic of a cup of coffee. Or "I like sleeping with a fan on" on a picture of a fan.

Lots of Likes and hearts and stuff, and lots of comments along the lines of "OMG me, too! Always! CanNOT live without satisfying that preference related to that thing! I am so unusual in that regard! And so are you! We are totally weird and stuff!!"

You got the rusty potato masher in your timeline today, too, huh.
That and a thousand other examples of this.

By the way, WASN'T 80s HAIR FUNNY! OMG.
 
My daughter's friend makes me laugh. For one thing, she's got this dry, sort of bored or mildly irritated demeanor and a facial expression and monotone voice to match. Second, she has this hilarious habit of giving people random nick names on the fly. It's different every time you talk to her, but always hilarious as they just come out of the blue. "hey, pound cake." "hey, white privilege" "hey, inspector gadget" "hey, penis wrinkle" "hey, duck sauce" The only one she repeats is "Balls," as in a text to her coworker, "hey, balls, can you call so and so..."
 
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