James Brown
Veteran Member
LOL. I've totally been there. Most IMs can be configured to not pop into focus on new messages.
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LOL. I've totally been there. Most IMs can be configured to not pop into focus on new messages.
gmbteach
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A 4-year-old kid kept telling his teacher about his baby sis who was going to be born because he was very excited about it.
One day his mom made him feel the baby's movements by placing his palm on her stomach. The kid didn't say anything. . . . From that day onward, he stopped telling his teacher about his baby sis.
A week later, when his teacher inquired about his baby sis, the boy's eyes were filled with tears.
He replied, "My Mummy ate it!"
One day his mom made him feel the baby's movements by placing his palm on her stomach. The kid didn't say anything. . . . From that day onward, he stopped telling his teacher about his baby sis.
A week later, when his teacher inquired about his baby sis, the boy's eyes were filled with tears.
He replied, "My Mummy ate it!"
Keith&Co.
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Difficulties involving a coworker's wedding plans remind me of a shipmate.
WHen we were stationed in Scotland, he and wife had a baby. The baby was about a month old when his sister got married. She invited him, he declined.
There were a number of problems, including the cost of getting home, the discomfort of flying 'Space Available' and he didn't think she wanted half of her wedding guests in the back of the church cooing at the new baby.
He said, "no, not coming."
What she heard, though, was that the Navy would not LET him come home.
She called her Senator. During an election year. He started with the office of the SecNav.
It rolled downhill.
By the time my fellow sailor learned about any of this, he was being briefed. "Your flight will leave at 1030 on Sunday. It'll be a cargo plane redirected from Lakenheath. You will be at the MOD Gate at 0500. Be prepared for a very noisy plane, lots of pressure differences, wear hearing protection..."
"But i said no!"
"And the admiral said 'Yepper Boy Howdy.' So you're going."
They were uncomfortable, baby was miserable and 3/4's of the guests were in the church kitchen saying 'poor baby' during the ceremony.
The moral of hte story, it would seem, is not to tell siblings that you're enlisted...or married... living overseas....
WHen we were stationed in Scotland, he and wife had a baby. The baby was about a month old when his sister got married. She invited him, he declined.
There were a number of problems, including the cost of getting home, the discomfort of flying 'Space Available' and he didn't think she wanted half of her wedding guests in the back of the church cooing at the new baby.
He said, "no, not coming."
What she heard, though, was that the Navy would not LET him come home.
She called her Senator. During an election year. He started with the office of the SecNav.
It rolled downhill.
By the time my fellow sailor learned about any of this, he was being briefed. "Your flight will leave at 1030 on Sunday. It'll be a cargo plane redirected from Lakenheath. You will be at the MOD Gate at 0500. Be prepared for a very noisy plane, lots of pressure differences, wear hearing protection..."
"But i said no!"
"And the admiral said 'Yepper Boy Howdy.' So you're going."
They were uncomfortable, baby was miserable and 3/4's of the guests were in the church kitchen saying 'poor baby' during the ceremony.
The moral of hte story, it would seem, is not to tell siblings that you're enlisted...or married... living overseas....
Underseer
Contributor
"Rape to those who say we are misogynist!"
Surely I don't have to explain where that came from, but it's funny and horrifying at the same time.
Surely I don't have to explain where that came from, but it's funny and horrifying at the same time.
Underseer
Contributor
http://time.com/3634443/cards-against-humanity-poop-black-friday/
30,000 people bought actual poop on Black Friday.
Can we say that rampant consumerism is out of control? Or will I be accused of being a communist for suggesting such a thing?
30,000 people bought actual poop on Black Friday.
Can we say that rampant consumerism is out of control? Or will I be accused of being a communist for suggesting such a thing?
Keith&Co.
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So i was a little overweight at the end of my military career. Not obese, but hefty.
One day, we were volunteered for the fire-fighting trainer. Great fun. Walking around a simulated engine room wiht real fires burning.
So we drink a lot of water, dress out and go back in the fire.
We come out, drink more water, everyone goes to pee, then we go back in the fire.
Except, i wasn't peeing.
Couldn't make it go.
And i'm not really sweating that much.
But we carry on. And when i was running the nozzle, i crouched down low to fight the fire and the nozzles on my breathing apparatus kept getting tangled up. I kept having to stand up from my crouch in order to get a breath through the tubes.
At the end of that fire, i still didn't pee.
During the next fire, someone lost control of his firehose and got knocked against me and slammed me against a bulkhead. hurt my shoulder.
During one of the breaks, after the debrief, one of the trainer guys asked me if i was okay. "Yeah, i'm fine."
"YOu keep rubbing your left arm."
"Yeah, it hurts a bit, but nothing major." I did not notice his eyes get big, not right then.
He asked if my chest felt tight. Well, now that you mention it, the guy that tightened my straps was a bit of a sadist, so the OBA fit me a little tight. "Yeah, actually."
"And have you had any difficulty breathing?"
"Yeah, that's why i keep standing up in the fires."
So there's no immediate reaction but he goes and talks to some other instructors.
They come back and tell me i need to go talk to our corpsman. And one of the instructors needs to take some paperwork over to base medical so he asks to get a ride with me. Sure.
I drive over and he tells me to park in back.
“But I usually park on the south side, where my corpsman’s office is.”
“It’ll be fine, we park here all the time.”
“Okay,” I’m dubious but complied.
Then he wanted to walk in through the ER entrance. No, no. They made it clear that only Emergencies use the Emergency room. But he assures me that we’ll be okay. We get two steps in, there’s a 1st class who starts opening his mouth to yell at us for using the ER as a lobby.
Before I can say ‘His Idea!’ this idiot beside me jumps two feet to the side, points at me and shouts “THIS MAN! HAS CHEST PAINS! AND DIFFICULTY BREATHING!”
I did have time to say ‘Oh, you bastard!’ In ten minutes I was naked, wired up, stabbed with needles, wrapped in probes and four doctors looking at my EKG. And they frowned.
“It doesn’t look like a heart attack!”
“It’s NOT!” I protested. “The OBA straps were too fucking tight!”
“…But we’ll hold you overnight for observation.” I get rolled into an ambulance and dragged to the city hospital.
They wouldn’t let me stand to go potty, so when I finally went, I used two bedpans. Another mark on the damned chart.
The civilian doctor kept asking why I was there. After 24 hours they let me put on my uniform and beg a ride back to base. Got to the office where I found I was in trouble for missing the morning muster and I’d been marked AWOL from the fire-fighting debrief.
The words I threw at the XO in response to the charge of sneaking out of the training session will add little to the narrative at this point in time.
One day, we were volunteered for the fire-fighting trainer. Great fun. Walking around a simulated engine room wiht real fires burning.
So we drink a lot of water, dress out and go back in the fire.
We come out, drink more water, everyone goes to pee, then we go back in the fire.
Except, i wasn't peeing.
Couldn't make it go.
And i'm not really sweating that much.
But we carry on. And when i was running the nozzle, i crouched down low to fight the fire and the nozzles on my breathing apparatus kept getting tangled up. I kept having to stand up from my crouch in order to get a breath through the tubes.
At the end of that fire, i still didn't pee.
During the next fire, someone lost control of his firehose and got knocked against me and slammed me against a bulkhead. hurt my shoulder.
During one of the breaks, after the debrief, one of the trainer guys asked me if i was okay. "Yeah, i'm fine."
"YOu keep rubbing your left arm."
"Yeah, it hurts a bit, but nothing major." I did not notice his eyes get big, not right then.
He asked if my chest felt tight. Well, now that you mention it, the guy that tightened my straps was a bit of a sadist, so the OBA fit me a little tight. "Yeah, actually."
"And have you had any difficulty breathing?"
"Yeah, that's why i keep standing up in the fires."
So there's no immediate reaction but he goes and talks to some other instructors.
They come back and tell me i need to go talk to our corpsman. And one of the instructors needs to take some paperwork over to base medical so he asks to get a ride with me. Sure.
I drive over and he tells me to park in back.
“But I usually park on the south side, where my corpsman’s office is.”
“It’ll be fine, we park here all the time.”
“Okay,” I’m dubious but complied.
Then he wanted to walk in through the ER entrance. No, no. They made it clear that only Emergencies use the Emergency room. But he assures me that we’ll be okay. We get two steps in, there’s a 1st class who starts opening his mouth to yell at us for using the ER as a lobby.
Before I can say ‘His Idea!’ this idiot beside me jumps two feet to the side, points at me and shouts “THIS MAN! HAS CHEST PAINS! AND DIFFICULTY BREATHING!”
I did have time to say ‘Oh, you bastard!’ In ten minutes I was naked, wired up, stabbed with needles, wrapped in probes and four doctors looking at my EKG. And they frowned.
“It doesn’t look like a heart attack!”
“It’s NOT!” I protested. “The OBA straps were too fucking tight!”
“…But we’ll hold you overnight for observation.” I get rolled into an ambulance and dragged to the city hospital.
They wouldn’t let me stand to go potty, so when I finally went, I used two bedpans. Another mark on the damned chart.
The civilian doctor kept asking why I was there. After 24 hours they let me put on my uniform and beg a ride back to base. Got to the office where I found I was in trouble for missing the morning muster and I’d been marked AWOL from the fire-fighting debrief.
The words I threw at the XO in response to the charge of sneaking out of the training session will add little to the narrative at this point in time.
Keith&Co.
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Oy Gevalt.
So, it's the annual work pot luck.
Someone brought in a platter of deviled eggs.
I told him to change the label. We have some thumpers in the office, and since we chose to call it a 'holiday' pot luck, they'll bitch that we allowed 'Deviled' on the table, but not Christ.
i was joking.
Somehow, the rumor mill worked its magic and the word that the secretary who organized this got was that people ARE filing grievances. So the Angel Food Cake is now "Protective Spirits Cake." The Deviled Eggs are 'Spiced Yolk Stuffed Eggs.' She's in there going a little berserk on every dish labeled with Christmas or anything remotely religious. Holiday Fruitcake, Holiday brownies piled in the form of a Holiday tree.
A big tray of 'Seasonal Ornaments' shaped cookies.
So now the people that wrote the original tags are pissed that someone's so atheist as to demand that no one can celebrate Christmas.... So fifteen people in the last ten minutes have offered me a Merry CHRISTmas.
I have expressed the hopes that they enjoy the solstice.
Fuck it.
Next year i make a gingerbread cemetary and put Christmas decorations on the tomb
So, it's the annual work pot luck.
Someone brought in a platter of deviled eggs.
I told him to change the label. We have some thumpers in the office, and since we chose to call it a 'holiday' pot luck, they'll bitch that we allowed 'Deviled' on the table, but not Christ.
i was joking.
Somehow, the rumor mill worked its magic and the word that the secretary who organized this got was that people ARE filing grievances. So the Angel Food Cake is now "Protective Spirits Cake." The Deviled Eggs are 'Spiced Yolk Stuffed Eggs.' She's in there going a little berserk on every dish labeled with Christmas or anything remotely religious. Holiday Fruitcake, Holiday brownies piled in the form of a Holiday tree.
A big tray of 'Seasonal Ornaments' shaped cookies.
So now the people that wrote the original tags are pissed that someone's so atheist as to demand that no one can celebrate Christmas.... So fifteen people in the last ten minutes have offered me a Merry CHRISTmas.
I have expressed the hopes that they enjoy the solstice.
Fuck it.
Next year i make a gingerbread cemetary and put Christmas decorations on the tomb
Davka
Senior Member
"Winter Solstice is a special time of year and with the recent IS:IS Goddess Energy Portal Activation on the Earth’s Grid (Astral & Etheric Planes of Frequency) on Dec. 15th…new quantum energy is bathing Mother Gaia during this time of Ascension and shifting of the season. Dec. 25th will expand the Christ – Consciousness within us ALL and these videos are guides to others on what is taking place within. Our soul knows what we are feeling and it is up to us in the 3D to channel this wonderful Abundance of Energy/Light at this time.
"Connect the dots within your body/mind is a path we are ALL on. If you are watching this video, your consciousness has expanded to a higher understanding of why you are on this planet at this time. It’s truly amazing and I am grateful you are watching, so get on board and transform your life into a SELF EMPOWERMENT journey of LOVE! Learn more with endless possibilities with activated DNA."
Go ahead, activate your DNA now! Source
"Connect the dots within your body/mind is a path we are ALL on. If you are watching this video, your consciousness has expanded to a higher understanding of why you are on this planet at this time. It’s truly amazing and I am grateful you are watching, so get on board and transform your life into a SELF EMPOWERMENT journey of LOVE! Learn more with endless possibilities with activated DNA."
Go ahead, activate your DNA now! Source
Keith&Co.
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There are two similar gifts under the tree for my wife.
One says 'to NAME from Santa Claus.'
One says 'To Mrs. &Co. from her grateful and respectful students.'
She saw that. "I teach 10th grade English! I have no respectful or grateful students!"
"What the hell's your problem? There's no Santa Claus, either, and you didn't bat an eye at that tag."
One says 'to NAME from Santa Claus.'
One says 'To Mrs. &Co. from her grateful and respectful students.'
She saw that. "I teach 10th grade English! I have no respectful or grateful students!"
"What the hell's your problem? There's no Santa Claus, either, and you didn't bat an eye at that tag."
WAB
Veteran Member
How many packs of pepper packets could a pepper packet packer pack if a pepper packet packer could pack a pack of pepper packets?
[institutional humor]
[institutional humor]
Underseer
Contributor
gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
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You Know It's Hot In Australia When!
1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance
2) Hot water comes out of both taps
3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
4) The temperature drops below 32c and you feel chilly
5) You discover that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car
6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen
7) You develop a fear of metal door handles
8) You break a sweat the instance you step outside at 7am
9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if i get knocked out and end up lying on the road and getting cooked"
10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state
11) Farmers are feeding there chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs
12) The trees are whistling for dogs
13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark
14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long
15) You learn that Westfield Shopping Centre's aren't just Shopping Centre's, they are temples to worship Air-Conditioning
16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal
17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack
18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work.
19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on
20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing
21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta. (S.A joke)
22) The effort of toweling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.
23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.
24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and Kill You
25) You Laugh because this list is so accurate
1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance
2) Hot water comes out of both taps
3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
4) The temperature drops below 32c and you feel chilly
5) You discover that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car
6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen
7) You develop a fear of metal door handles
8) You break a sweat the instance you step outside at 7am
9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if i get knocked out and end up lying on the road and getting cooked"
10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state
11) Farmers are feeding there chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs
12) The trees are whistling for dogs
13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark
14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long
15) You learn that Westfield Shopping Centre's aren't just Shopping Centre's, they are temples to worship Air-Conditioning
16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal
17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack
18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work.
19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on
20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing
21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta. (S.A joke)
22) The effort of toweling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.
23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.
24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and Kill You
25) You Laugh because this list is so accurate
spikepipsqueak
My Brane Hertz
Keith&Co.
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So, i submitted a training package.
I copied a lot of things out of the manual.
The guy who helped write the manual made a comment that directly contradicts the training manual. He suggested someone else make a change.
My response to this comment was to point out that i was in compliance with the directive, and if there was to be a change, it had to start with the manual, and until that was incorporated they should leave my package the hell alone.
A manager told me i was using strong language and that wasn't professional. That in the future i should try to calm down before i write responses.
"What, HELL? HELL is strong language? You're shitting me! I made 16 goddamned patrols on four fucking submarines over a twenty-year career in the motherfucking Navy. This IS me being calm. I WANTED to call him a sockfucking bastard! I think the two-faced bastard needs to be bent over a barbed wire fence and raped with a cattle prod."
He complained to another manager. That manager had 20 patrols. It was a short conversation.
I copied a lot of things out of the manual.
The guy who helped write the manual made a comment that directly contradicts the training manual. He suggested someone else make a change.
My response to this comment was to point out that i was in compliance with the directive, and if there was to be a change, it had to start with the manual, and until that was incorporated they should leave my package the hell alone.
A manager told me i was using strong language and that wasn't professional. That in the future i should try to calm down before i write responses.
"What, HELL? HELL is strong language? You're shitting me! I made 16 goddamned patrols on four fucking submarines over a twenty-year career in the motherfucking Navy. This IS me being calm. I WANTED to call him a sockfucking bastard! I think the two-faced bastard needs to be bent over a barbed wire fence and raped with a cattle prod."
He complained to another manager. That manager had 20 patrols. It was a short conversation.
Fucking submarines? Over 20 years? DADT was only recently repealed and the subs are male-only. How did you have a fucking submarine back then?
Keith&Co.
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Subs haven't been male only for several years, now. They just busted a significant number of sailors for attaching a camera to the officer's shower and a larger number of them for knowing about it and not doing anything.Fucking submarines? Over 20 years? DADT was only recently repealed and the subs are male-only. How did you have a fucking submarine back then?
Anyway, considering the number of extra special ways the submarine could fail in such a way as to become a threat to one crewman or all life on board, it was clearly understood by all qualified seamen that once the hatch was shut and the boat submerged, the chances were very good that if you didn't do your job, we were all fucked.
Keith&Co.
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So, my aunt bought a new stove.
'Aunt' being family shorthand. I think she's a second or third cousin, at least three times removed, maybe five, but the Uncle who not only fully understands the relationship system and family tree, he will also spend four hours making sure you fully understand it, lives far enough away that i can pretend he's recently died.
Anyway, 'Sally' needed a new stove and the salesman wanted to move a floor display unit he'd had 'forever' so she got a great deal.
Free delivery and take-away of the old one, set-up and tested and leveled and everything. Great choice, great service.
Yesterday, her kid went through the instruction manual and asked what 'Shabbat' mode is. Most of that side of the family knows less about Judaism than Self-Mutation knew about actual Christainity, so phone calls led to phone calls led eventually to me. I tried to explain that it's nothing to worry about, it's a way to override automatic shut-off safety timers for the purpose of keeping Kosher, for orthodox Jews.
She then goes into some sort of panic that she's now on some registry as being Jewish because her stove has the capability to cook foods on the weekend.
So despite the great deal, she's intending to take the thing back and pay more for a new stove, in order to avoid association with a religion she knows bupkes* about. I was tempted to let her. But then she'll be screaming at an innocent dealer who bent over backwards to make her happy and make room for a new stove on his floor....
LUCKILY, we just bought a new stove ourselves. I mean, like, just weeks ago. And i recalled that our unit does not have that feature, but the manual described how to turn it on.
So i ask if she's sure that the oven even does this. "It's in the USER MANUAL!" she points out. i tried to explain that corporations save money by making one manual for several different versions. No help. Not until i suggest that the dealer, the one she already suspects of having done her dirty, may have included the wrong manual by mistake.
So i get her son on the phone and we try to see if we can set Shabbat mode. He's a little snippy that i don't own a cell phone so he cannot just send me pics of the unit. I withhold snipping back at him for being the son of an idiot.... But in the end, we agree that there are no such controls.
Now she's just going to take the manual back to the dealer and demand 'the real one.' Let him explain. I'm done. I saved him the effort of another delivery, he owes me.
*Sorry. Couldn't be helped.
'Aunt' being family shorthand. I think she's a second or third cousin, at least three times removed, maybe five, but the Uncle who not only fully understands the relationship system and family tree, he will also spend four hours making sure you fully understand it, lives far enough away that i can pretend he's recently died.
Anyway, 'Sally' needed a new stove and the salesman wanted to move a floor display unit he'd had 'forever' so she got a great deal.
Free delivery and take-away of the old one, set-up and tested and leveled and everything. Great choice, great service.
Yesterday, her kid went through the instruction manual and asked what 'Shabbat' mode is. Most of that side of the family knows less about Judaism than Self-Mutation knew about actual Christainity, so phone calls led to phone calls led eventually to me. I tried to explain that it's nothing to worry about, it's a way to override automatic shut-off safety timers for the purpose of keeping Kosher, for orthodox Jews.
She then goes into some sort of panic that she's now on some registry as being Jewish because her stove has the capability to cook foods on the weekend.
So despite the great deal, she's intending to take the thing back and pay more for a new stove, in order to avoid association with a religion she knows bupkes* about. I was tempted to let her. But then she'll be screaming at an innocent dealer who bent over backwards to make her happy and make room for a new stove on his floor....
LUCKILY, we just bought a new stove ourselves. I mean, like, just weeks ago. And i recalled that our unit does not have that feature, but the manual described how to turn it on.
So i ask if she's sure that the oven even does this. "It's in the USER MANUAL!" she points out. i tried to explain that corporations save money by making one manual for several different versions. No help. Not until i suggest that the dealer, the one she already suspects of having done her dirty, may have included the wrong manual by mistake.
So i get her son on the phone and we try to see if we can set Shabbat mode. He's a little snippy that i don't own a cell phone so he cannot just send me pics of the unit. I withhold snipping back at him for being the son of an idiot.... But in the end, we agree that there are no such controls.
Now she's just going to take the manual back to the dealer and demand 'the real one.' Let him explain. I'm done. I saved him the effort of another delivery, he owes me.
*Sorry. Couldn't be helped.
thebeave
Contributor
Hilarious. I've seen the Shabbat mode on several ranges. Always cracks me up.
You can always download the manual (in pdf format) from the Internet, rather than take a special trip to the dealer (who may not have one anyway). Go to the appliance manufacturer's website and enter the model number under the Support tab. I've done this many times on products that have been out for more than 20 years!