Things that make you laugh...

[bigfield]

Just got home from visiting parents. Dad put on a TV show called What in the World, a trashy American program that makes wildly speculative guesses about the meaning of various satellite images, using plenty of stock footage and expert soundbites to pad it out.

Is this red pond in Baghdad filled with human blood?
Is this square in a clearing in the Amazon evidence of the lost city of gold, El Dorado?
Is this hole in Antarctica the entrance to a secret Russian base?
Are these concrete arrows in rural America a secret Freemasons map?
Are these holes in Siberia evidence of nuclear weapons tests?
Is this old river bed actually a canal supplying the Hanging Gardens of Babylon?​

You could make a drinking game out of this show. Drink on each of the following:
- Possibly maybe ancient civilisation thing
- Definitely russian nukes down there
- Betteridge's Law
- "Big, if true"
- Serious expert's professionally embarrassing soundbite

And skull for:

 

[Keith&Co.]

A little over a month ago, a coworker wanted to play a trick on another coworker which required a Ziploc bag.
We couldn't find a Ziploc bag. We made do with a document protector and some tape, but obviously, we need a quantity of such bags in the office. I bought a box on my next trip to the supermarket and set it aside on my desk until needed.

20 minutes ago, same coworker started to brainstorm something we could do to fool with our manager. A Ziploc bag of jelly beans of dubious flavor left where the manager might snarf them up before he realizes just what he's getting into (flavors like toothpaste, grass, rotten fish, vomit). And label the Ziploc bag 'Not For Bill' to Make Sure Bill takes a couple.

I heard the plan and offered him a Ziploc bag.

Now half my office thinks I'm practicing witchcraft... "Seriously, did you throw the tarot cards and see you'd need ziplocs today, or did you cast 'ziploc' into Brian's mind?"

I just tell them to leave me alone or I'll call on my Dark Master to make their balls rot and fall off...

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, I just got taken aside and 'talked to.'
I imagine this is hard for y'all to believe, but you have to trust me on this, a supervisor has taken me to task.

I gave a presentation to some officers for Special Projects about how our nuclear weapons work. The data that goes into the calculations for flight, the star shot for inflight correction, how the warhead knows to go off...

At some point, we talked about the Equipment Section. It's what drops the individual warheads down on the heads of the evil empire.
Actually, what it does is gets the warhead into the best possible trajectory, then the ES tiptoes away, leaving the warhead in that trajectory.

When it's all done, the ES follows the last warhead down. Same trajectory, but lagging as far behind as it has the fuel to get. I made a remark to explain this, "Figure after we drop a nuclear warhead on the site, then dropping two tons of equipment section on them... Well, we can't make their day any worse."


I'm not supposed to 'make light' of nuclear weapons.

I tell small, wry jokes THE ENTIRE TIME I'm on platform. Any topic. I have to, some of my subjects are really, really dry. I've been telling nuclear bomb jokes for 37 years. The last instructor office I was in, we had every single Far Side comic that had nuclear weapons as either the subject or a tangential connection to the subject.

So the manager goes on and on about how I may have offended our visitors with this comment. I nodded. A lot.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" he finished.
"Yes, sir, they laughed." And walked away...

And now my manager wants to have a word with me...

 

[Elixir]

I've been telling nuclear bomb jokes for 37 years.

And I bet most of them get glowing reviews.

 

[Sarpedon]

Huh, I thought the point of the ES section's flight path post deployment of warheads was just to be a dummy to further confuse any defenses.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Huh, I thought the point of the ES section's flight path post deployment of warheads was just to be a dummy to further confuse any defenses.

No, there are 'false stops' during the deployment, where it goes through the actions of dropping a warhead without actually dropping a warhead, partly to play hide and seek with the defenses, and partly to better manage fuel but after the last REB release it's just 'parked' in the final trajectory.

 

[bilby]

Huh, I thought the point of the ES section's flight path post deployment of warheads was just to be a dummy to further confuse any defenses.

No, there are 'false stops' during the deployment, where it goes through the actions of dropping a warhead without actually dropping a warhead, partly to play hide and seek with the defenses, and partly to better manage fuel but after the last REB release it's just 'parked' in the final trajectory.

You would think that they would configure it to land in open ground or a body of water.

That thing is heavy and moving fast; somebody could get hurt.

 

[Elixir]

somebody could get hurt.

...or some of the molecules they were made of. SAVE THE MOLECULES!

 

[thebeave]

So, I just got taken aside and 'talked to.'
I imagine this is hard for y'all to believe, but you have to trust me on this, a supervisor has taken me to task.

I gave a presentation to some officers for Special Projects about how our nuclear weapons work. The data that goes into the calculations for flight, the star shot for inflight correction, how the warhead knows to go off...

At some point, we talked about the Equipment Section. It's what drops the individual warheads down on the heads of the evil empire.
Actually, what it does is gets the warhead into the best possible trajectory, then the ES tiptoes away, leaving the warhead in that trajectory.

When it's all done, the ES follows the last warhead down. Same trajectory, but lagging as far behind as it has the fuel to get. I made a remark to explain this, "Figure after we drop a nuclear warhead on the site, then dropping two tons of equipment section on them... Well, we can't make their day any worse."


I'm not supposed to 'make light' of nuclear weapons.

I tell small, wry jokes THE ENTIRE TIME I'm on platform. Any topic. I have to, some of my subjects are really, really dry. I've been telling nuclear bomb jokes for 37 years. The last instructor office I was in, we had every single Far Side comic that had nuclear weapons as either the subject or a tangential connection to the subject.

So the manager goes on and on about how I may have offended our visitors with this comment. I nodded. A lot.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" he finished.
"Yes, sir, they laughed." And walked away...

And now my manager wants to have a word with me...

During D5 development back in the late '80's I worked on a simulated high altitude EMP test at Kirtland AFB using an inert, but electrically functional D5 . At the end of the test, the missile was laid down on chocks, and our test director put a saddle and reins on the missile. Everyone involved in the test got their picture taken riding the missile while wearing a cowboy hat, holding the reins in one arm, with the other arm in the air (a la Dr. Strangelove). When I returned from the test, I framed my picture and hung it in my cubicle. A few days later, I got called into my manager's office out of the blue (he was a bastard, so it was a little worrisome). He told me another employee saw the picture and was very offended that I was making a joke out of something so serious. I had to take it down. So, I feel your pain.

I still have the photo somewhere here at home now. I should dig it up and post it.

 

[bilby]

So, I just got taken aside and 'talked to.'
I imagine this is hard for y'all to believe, but you have to trust me on this, a supervisor has taken me to task.

I gave a presentation to some officers for Special Projects about how our nuclear weapons work. The data that goes into the calculations for flight, the star shot for inflight correction, how the warhead knows to go off...

At some point, we talked about the Equipment Section. It's what drops the individual warheads down on the heads of the evil empire.
Actually, what it does is gets the warhead into the best possible trajectory, then the ES tiptoes away, leaving the warhead in that trajectory.

When it's all done, the ES follows the last warhead down. Same trajectory, but lagging as far behind as it has the fuel to get. I made a remark to explain this, "Figure after we drop a nuclear warhead on the site, then dropping two tons of equipment section on them... Well, we can't make their day any worse."


I'm not supposed to 'make light' of nuclear weapons.

I tell small, wry jokes THE ENTIRE TIME I'm on platform. Any topic. I have to, some of my subjects are really, really dry. I've been telling nuclear bomb jokes for 37 years. The last instructor office I was in, we had every single Far Side comic that had nuclear weapons as either the subject or a tangential connection to the subject.

So the manager goes on and on about how I may have offended our visitors with this comment. I nodded. A lot.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" he finished.
"Yes, sir, they laughed." And walked away...

And now my manager wants to have a word with me...

During D5 development back in the late '80's I worked on a simulated high altitude EMP test at Kirtland AFB using an inert, but electrically functional D5 . At the end of the test, the missile was laid down on chocks, and our test director put a saddle and reins on the missile. Everyone involved in the test got their picture taken riding the missile while wearing a cowboy hat, holding the reins in one arm, with the other arm in the air (a la Dr. Strangelove). When I returned from the test, I framed my picture and hung it in my cubicle. A few days later, I got called into my manager's office out of the blue (he was a bastard, so it was a little worrisome). He told me another employee saw the picture and was very offended that I was making a joke out of something so serious. I had to take it down. So, I feel your pain.

I still have the photo somewhere here at home now. I should dig it up and post it.

The whole topic of nuclear weapons and nuclear warfare is far to serious not to make jokes about.

People who can't or won't laugh about something that serious scare the hell out of me.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Would you want your sister to marry one....?

One of Bilby's comments in another thread reminded me of that day. We had a new instructor in the office and everyone said I had to meet him. When I went into the C3 office, he was holding forth that he had nothing really AGAINST blacks, but kept asking people "Would you want your sister to marry one....?"

I had to admit, my family was kind of worried about my sister's relationship with my brother-in-law.
See, they both liked to party, and they were spending a LOT of time in Atlanta going our drinking. The New Guy was watching me with wide eyes.

Anyway, while there were bars that black men could go in, and bars white women could go in, they would get into a real party mood and go places an interracial couple probably shouldn't have. I told him the whole family was worried about their immediate future. And the worst part about it was that I'd introduced the two of them.

Newman was SO excited to find someone to share with, someone to validate his beliefs. He asked a few questions and finally, "So, how long have they been married?"
"Oh, they're not married."
"They divorced?"
"No, they never got married. Chris has often said 'why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. Sometmes in front of his girlfriend at the time..."
"Wait, wait, wait, if they're not married, how is he your brother in law?"

"Well, I introduced the two of them at MY wedding."

"But how does that make him your brother in law?"
All the other instructors are having a hard time keeping a straight face.
Newman eventually had to have a drawing done to explain it.
He didn't talk to me for 9 months. It was great...

 

[Angry Floof]

An ice cream truck went down our street the other day playing Christmas music.

 

[thebeave]

An ice cream truck went down our street the other day playing Christmas music.

Am I the only one around whose dad used to say that when the ice cream truck is playing its jingle, that means they ran out of ice cream?

I feel like a big chunk of my childhood has been stolen from me.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Am I the only one around whose dad used to say that when the ice cream truck is playing its jingle, that means they ran out of ice cream?

I think my Dad knew your Dad...
Mine had me convinced for almost a year that i was allergic to chocolate.

 

[gmbteach]

Kittens and puppies! In any Form!

 

[paladin.oa]

Would you want your sister to marry one....?

One of Bilby's comments in another thread reminded me of that day. We had a new instructor in the office and everyone said I had to meet him. When I went into the C3 office, he was holding forth that he had nothing really AGAINST blacks, but kept asking people "Would you want your sister to marry one....?"

I had to admit, my family was kind of worried about my sister's relationship with my brother-in-law.
See, they both liked to party, and they were spending a LOT of time in Atlanta going our drinking. The New Guy was watching me with wide eyes.

Anyway, while there were bars that black men could go in, and bars white women could go in, they would get into a real party mood and go places an interracial couple probably shouldn't have. I told him the whole family was worried about their immediate future. And the worst part about it was that I'd introduced the two of them.

Newman was SO excited to find someone to share with, someone to validate his beliefs. He asked a few questions and finally, "So, how long have they been married?"
"Oh, they're not married."
"They divorced?"
"No, they never got married. Chris has often said 'why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. Sometmes in front of his girlfriend at the time..."
"Wait, wait, wait, if they're not married, how is he your brother in law?"

"Well, I introduced the two of them at MY wedding."

"But how does that make him your brother in law?"
All the other instructors are having a hard time keeping a straight face.
Newman eventually had to have a drawing done to explain it.
He didn't talk to me for 9 months. It was great...

I must be really tired, 'cause I'm sadly not getting it.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Would you want your sister to marry one....?

I must be really tired, 'cause I'm sadly not getting it.

I have a black brother in law because I married HIS sister.

 

[Wiploc]

I must be really tired, 'cause I'm sadly not getting it.

He's white, so his sister is white. His wife is black, so her brother is black. So while he's acting all concerned about this mixed race couple, he's part of a mixed race couple himself. He allows the jerk to think he's worried about their relationship because they are of different races, but actually none of his concerns have to do with that.

He lets the jerk dig his hole deeper and deeper over the course of a long conversation, and makes him work really hard to discover that Keith is not actually on his side.

And, since everybody else in the conversation knew from the beginning that Keith's wife is black, they were suppressing laughter the whole time. He made the jerk into a public laughing stock.

The jerk's wedge line, "Would you want your sister to marry one?" could have been answered directly with something like, "I'd have no problem with that. I even married one myself." Instead, Keith repaid the jerk's rudeness by pretending to be sympathetic, by drawing out his error publicly and at length.

It was brilliant. Aaron Sorkin would be proud to have written the script for that conversation.

---

I confess that I've used the "Would you want your sister to marry one" line a couple of times myself.

I was in third grade. Two of my classmates--in separate incidents--informed me that there was no racism in <my hometown>. In both cases, I said, "Would you want your sister to marry one," and the other kid said, "That's different."

Had there been no racism, the response would have been "yes," not "That's different."

---

Edited to add:

Ah, I see that someone beat me to the post by being more succinct. That's never happened before.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Drove my son to meet some of his friends downtown.
ON the way, driving West to East on Peck, we came across an ambulance screaming up the road in the opposite direction, sirens and lights in full effect. I pulled over, naturally.
When it passed, i got back on the road. Not half a block later, there was an ambulance following me. Also with lights flashing.

My first thought, which i turned to my son to share, was 'Wow. That's the weirdest optical illusion. That ambulance that just passed us? In the mirror it looks like it's following us!"
He glanced back through the rear window. "Pull over for the illusion, Dad."

 

[Wiploc]

Drove my son to meet some of his friends downtown.
ON the way, driving West to East on Peck, we came across an ambulance screaming up the road in the opposite direction, sirens and lights in full effect. I pulled over, naturally.
When it passed, i got back on the road. Not half a block later, there was an ambulance following me. Also with lights flashing.

My first thought, which i turned to my son to share, was 'Wow. That's the weirdest optical illusion. That ambulance that just passed us? In the mirror it looks like it's following us!"
He glanced back through the rear window. "Pull over for the illusion, Dad."

Reminds me of an old joke. This guy gets a new sports car. He wants to take it up to speed, so he puts his son in the backseat, on his knees looking backwards (which lets you know how old the joke is) and tells him to "Watch for a man wearing a blue suit and riding a motorcycle."

He has it up to 106 miles an hour when the kid says, "The gentleman you were expecting has arrived."