Things that make you laugh...

[paladin.oa]

I must be really tired, 'cause I'm sadly not getting it.

I have a black brother in law because I married HIS sister.

I must be really tired, 'cause I'm sadly not getting it.

He's white, so his sister is white. His wife is black, so her brother is black. So while he's acting all concerned about this mixed race couple, he's part of a mixed race couple himself. He allows the jerk to think he's worried about their relationship because they are of different races, but actually none of his concerns have to do with that.

He lets the jerk dig his hole deeper and deeper over the course of a long conversation, and makes him work really hard to discover that Keith is not actually on his side.

And, since everybody else in the conversation knew from the beginning that Keith's wife is black, they were suppressing laughter the whole time. He made the jerk into a public laughing stock.

The jerk's wedge line, "Would you want your sister to marry one?" could have been answered directly with something like, "I'd have no problem with that. I even married one myself." Instead, Keith repaid the jerk's rudeness by pretending to be sympathetic, by drawing out his error publicly and at length.

It was brilliant. Aaron Sorkin would be proud to have written the script for that conversation.

---

I confess that I've used the "Would you want your sister to marry one" line a couple of times myself.

I was in third grade. Two of my classmates--in separate incidents--informed me that there was no racism in <my hometown>. In both cases, I said, "Would you want your sister to marry one," and the other kid said, "That's different."

Had there been no racism, the response would have been "yes," not "That's different."

---

Edited to add:

Ah, I see that someone beat me to the post by being more succinct. That's never happened before.

Thanks, it would have been easier had I known that Keith's wife was black, but still, I should have been able to figure that out by myself.

All the same, bloody good show Keith.

 

[bilby]

Every so often, my employer has an external security company send fake phishing emails to employees, to test our alertness to such threats.

These are generally easy to spot, and contain a number of hints (spelling and grammar errors, sender's address from an unknown domain, requests to click on a link, implied urgency eg. telling you that clicking is mandatory or including a deadline, etc.)

Of course, some people still get caught out - if you click the link, your manager is notified, and it takes you to a page telling you that it was a test; that you failed; and that you need to repeat the electronic and email security course.

On Monday, one such email was sent out across the country, with the usual results - Most people did the right thing and reported a possible phishing scam; some got caught and had their wrists slapped.

Yesterday, employees nationwide all received another email, also from an external and previously unseen domain:

Hi <name>,
Welcome to <company name> eLearn.
Below are your login details to complete <company name>'s MANDATORY Diversity and Inclusion Equal Employment Opportunity Module.
URL: https://suspiciously.notourcompanydomain.com/security/complete-registration/ed884017a8c2576d1b1bea9000cbff3d
Username: <recipient email address>
This training will take approximately 1 hour and will need to be complete every 12 to 24 months. It will ask you to enter in a password, this is you creating your password for the <company name> eLearn portal.
This course outlines the behaviours that constitute unlawful discrimination and harrassment in the workplace. It details the steps you should take if you witness or are a victim of discriminatory behaviour. This training will enrich your career by helping you and your fellow colleagues practice and encourage inclusive behaviours that support a culture that is equitable and free from discrimination.
Should you have any questions or difficulties accessing the system, please contact your System Administrator via noreply@suspiciously.notourcompanydomain.com

Kind Regards,
<Region> Diversity Team

Well, fool me once, shame on you, etc.; Nobody was mug enough to click on that one. They didn't even spell harassment correctly.

Today, the regional HR Director sent out a nationwide email that begins:

It's real. Complete it by end of June

Team,

Yesterday two emails regarding Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) e-learning were sent out prematurely by an external e-learning vendor <suspiciously.notourcompany> on <companyname>'s behalf. This system generated email has caused some confusion...

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Every so often, my employer has an external security company send fake phishing emails to employees, to test our alertness to such threats.

These are generally easy to spot, and contain a number of hints (spelling and grammar errors, sender's address from an unknown domain, requests to click on a link, implied urgency eg. telling you that clicking is mandatory or including a deadline, etc.)

Of course, some people still get caught out - if you click the link, your manager is notified, and it takes you to a page telling you that it was a test; that you failed; and that you need to repeat the electronic and email security course.

On Monday, one such email was sent out across the country, with the usual results - Most people did the right thing and reported a possible phishing scam; some got caught and had their wrists slapped.

Yesterday, employees nationwide all received another email, also from an external and previously unseen domain:



Well, fool me once, shame on you, etc.; Nobody was mug enough to click on that one. They didn't even spell harassment correctly.

Today, the regional HR Director sent out a nationwide email that begins:

It's real. Complete it by end of June

Team,

Yesterday two emails regarding Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) e-learning were sent out prematurely by an external e-learning vendor <suspiciously.notourcompany> on <companyname>'s behalf. This system generated email has caused some confusion...

Some months ago I got what certainly looked like a phish--from a credit card company. It just didn't seem quite right for a phish so I checked it out rather than marking it a phish--it was legitimate. The support rep that I was e-mailing with couldn't understand why I felt the person responsible should be fired.

As for your example--report it with a note saying that it's the most creative phish you've seen in a while.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, Prom is approaching. The class advisors have been dealing with a representative of the event planning company all year, and worked up a good rapport.
Suddenly, two days ago, a new person from the same company called. Rep#1 had 'moved on,' and she was being replaced by this Rep#2.

Okay, these things happen. Advisor #2 took it upon herself to call Rep#1, just to make sure there had been a good turnover. Things in progress, things that still needed to be decided, that sort of thing.

Rep#1 was very surprised to get the call. According to her, the manager of the company had told her 'the High School has been very disappointed with your work, so you're being replaced.'

'What? No, not at all! We've been very pleased with your work! We appreciate your efforts. No one here complained.'

'The manager said he'd been called personally.'

'We have no idea who your manager IS!'

Okay, so it's very confusing, but Rep#1 doesn't want to make waves. 'Don't tell anyone i told you this.'

Which puts Advisor #2 in an uncomfortable position. She doesn't want a reputation for getting people reassigned without talking to them, and she REALLY doesn't like being blamed for something she didn't do. Wife says next time they talk to Rep#2, she's going to demand to know what's going on.

I said that sounded a little confrontational, esp. as Rep#1 doesn't want to be known as the source. What she should do is talk to Rep#2 and say, "We were really pleased with Rep#1, how can we send her a letter of appreciation? Oh, never mind, I'll just call her." Then in addition to having a reason to have this knowledge, when Rap#1 says 'I was told....', but also she gets to listen to them scramble as they try to stop her from doing this... Should be much more entertaining.

 

[dendrast]

I was at the supermarket the other day and spotted "Gluten-free Hot-dog buns". They were on sale. Maybe the demand is waning.

 

[RavenSky]

So, I just got taken aside and 'talked to.'
I imagine this is hard for y'all to believe, but you have to trust me on this, a supervisor has taken me to task.

I gave a presentation to some officers for Special Projects about how our nuclear weapons work. The data that goes into the calculations for flight, the star shot for inflight correction, how the warhead knows to go off...

At some point, we talked about the Equipment Section. It's what drops the individual warheads down on the heads of the evil empire.
Actually, what it does is gets the warhead into the best possible trajectory, then the ES tiptoes away, leaving the warhead in that trajectory.

When it's all done, the ES follows the last warhead down. Same trajectory, but lagging as far behind as it has the fuel to get. I made a remark to explain this, "Figure after we drop a nuclear warhead on the site, then dropping two tons of equipment section on them... Well, we can't make their day any worse."


I'm not supposed to 'make light' of nuclear weapons.

I tell small, wry jokes THE ENTIRE TIME I'm on platform. Any topic. I have to, some of my subjects are really, really dry. I've been telling nuclear bomb jokes for 37 years. The last instructor office I was in, we had every single Far Side comic that had nuclear weapons as either the subject or a tangential connection to the subject.

So the manager goes on and on about how I may have offended our visitors with this comment. I nodded. A lot.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" he finished.
"Yes, sir, they laughed." And walked away...

And now my manager wants to have a word with me...

"Yes, sir, they laughed."

and so did I

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Who is this "Caution" that has managed to be incontinent all over the place? And why do you keep warning me rather than doing something about it?

Show

 

[Keith&Co.]

On the Ohio class submarine, there's an escape hatch from the Missile Control Center that leads down a little chimney to the mess decks. It's right over one of the tables in the corner.
Bored watchstanders have, from time to time, called down to the mess decks and gotten the cooks to send up drinks during the long watches.

This always struck me as low-hanging fruit. The fun is in the meal hours.

When sound comes from straight over your head, it reaches both eats at the exact same time. Your brain cannot find any clues to determine the direction it came from. It does say something about just how boring life underwater can be when the height of your day is to open the hatch and in a conversational voice, ask 'Hey, pass the salt.'
They will grab the salt shaker... And then look around in growing confusion for who the fuck just spoke.

Or during the movie, the lights are dimmed, someone sits on the bench under the chimney, legs across the whole thing. "Dude, scoot over." He'll drop his feet to the floor. "Thanks." THEN he starts to look around, confused and not a little paranoid.

 

[jonatha]

On the Ohio class submarine, there's an escape hatch from the Missile Control Center that leads down a little chimney to the mess decks.

Under what circumstances would one want to escape to the mess?

 

[Elixir]

On the Ohio class submarine, there's an escape hatch from the Missile Control Center that leads down a little chimney to the mess decks.

Under what circumstances would one want to escape to the mess?

No reason - it's so that when you just. can't. take. the mess food any more, you can escape to the Missile Control Center and blast yourself off to somewhere else.

 

[Keith&Co.]

My son, the English major, was helping my wife grade assignments from her high school class.

He turned to me and asked how good my company insurance was. Did i t cover my needs. I picked up my latest ophthalmologist bill. Doc charged $2000 for the eyeball injection, my portion was $200. He seemed satisfied and i asked why the interest.

"Just looking at Mom's students. I don't think there's a good Jesse Pinkman candidate in her class. Any class."

So i can't count on the Missus to raise funds for my medical costs.

But in the end we agreed that Mom would be a much more sympathetic villain...

 

[Keith&Co.]

A newly wedded shipmate and his wife were having problems. They decided to seek counseling. Went through the resources available on base and found a marriage counselor.
First ten minutes in, the counselor said that the sailor sounded like a Neanderthal.

Not going to say if he is or isn't or shares some Neanderthal qualities,but he felt this was unprofessional, and decided he didn't want to deal with this counselor, so they left, walked out of the session.

The counselor reported that to our command.

He lost his security clearance the next day.

Squadron kept asking us when he was going to make a follow-up appointment and the reply 'not with that bitch' was not taken well.

At first, we couldn't figure out why Squadron gave a fat rat's ass. THEN they started ragging the command for not submitting the paperwork for his associated complaint that led to the counseling. See, the military is a strong supporter of spouses, and will hammer the dogshit out of a spouse abuser. They're just unprepared for anyone voluntarily seeking marriage counseling. Everyone just assumed that if there'd been a session, then it had been either court-ordered, or something the promised to do in order to avoid a court order.

There's no place on the form for 'went willingly, changed my mind.' It'd be like spending the night in prison, just to see what it was like, then walking out the next day because you'd never been sentenced. The guards don't know that's an option...

Finally convinced the entire chain of command, starting with out department head, one face-to-face conversation at a time, up to Squadron.

And about 90% of the interviews ended with 'Oh! Well, you should have said...'

 

[Keith&Co.]

JUST got a text from my son, the BM3 on the USS Normandy:

I didn't know that midshipmen were not immune to fire or paint.

 

[Angry Floof]

JUST got a text from my son, the BM3 on the USS Normandy:

I didn't know that midshipmen were not immune to fire or paint.

 

[gmbteach]

JUST got a text from my son, the BM3 on the USS Normandy:

I didn't know that midshipmen were not immune to fire or paint.

Ummmmm, the mind boggles!

 

[Keith&Co.]

JUST got a text from my son, the BM3 on the USS Normandy:

I didn't know that midshipmen were not immune to fire or paint.

Ummmmm, the mind boggles!

In a follow up message, he reports that it's Midshipmen Rumspringa.

After their freshman year, at either the Academy or an ROTC program, middies are sent to the Fleet to participate in ship operations ad members of one or another division, usually as petty officers for the summer.

For their second summer, they tour all sorts of different commands and get an idea of the places they might want to serve, watch lots of movies and eat lots of ice cream.

Their third summer, they go back to the fleet as junior officers and act as division leads to get leadership experience.

dOn the subs, we almost never saw anyone but 2nd summer middies. The deployments seldom line up just right for anything else.

Oldest, however, has a number of going-to-be-leaders-of-men..........someday attached to his command, working in his division. Not incredibly skilled labor, but you do have to know which end of the paintbrush you hold, and not to lick the other one...

 

[Keith&Co.]

On the Ohio class submarine, there's an escape hatch from the Missile Control Center that leads down a little chimney to the mess decks.

Under what circumstances would one want to escape to the mess?

Actually, the only things i've ever seen go through that hatch are coffee, sodas and paper airplanes...

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, a friend of mine was on his porch the other night, enjoying the evening, when a cop pulled a car over right in front of his house.
He got to watch the sobriety test from the front row.

The guy wasn't slurring his words, walked the straight line, touched fingertip to nose, friend was really cheering him on.

THen the cop said, "Can you recite the alphabet?"
"I sure can."
"Without singing it."

A critical requirement.

The guy started off well, "A...B...C...D...E" but every single time he hit "LMNOP" he then sang out a tuneful "Q..R..S...T..U..V" at the top of his lungs.

"Sir do you understand the instructions i gave you?"
"Yes, officer, I do. Say the alphabet."
"With?"
"Without singing the alphabet."
"So, I'll give you one more try."
"Thank you officer."
The cop gave him three tries. EVERY time he hit LMNOP he started singing. Busted him.
It's insidious. It's just so easy to go on auto at that point...

 

[thebeave]

So, a friend of mine was on his porch the other night, enjoying the evening, when a cop pulled a car over right in front of his house.
He got to watch the sobriety test from the front row.

The guy wasn't slurring his words, walked the straight line, touched fingertip to nose, friend was really cheering him on.

THen the cop said, "Can you recite the alphabet?"
"I sure can."
"Without singing it."

A critical requirement.

The guy started off well, "A...B...C...D...E" but every single time he hit "LMNOP" he then sang out a tuneful "Q..R..S...T..U..V" at the top of his lungs.

"Sir do you understand the instructions i gave you?"
"Yes, officer, I do. Say the alphabet."
"With?"
"Without singing the alphabet."
"So, I'll give you one more try."
"Thank you officer."
The cop gave him three tries. EVERY time he hit LMNOP he started singing. Busted him.
It's insidious. It's just so easy to go on auto at that point...

Well, at least he didn't think he wasn't supposed to sing the National Anthem backwards, like some people we know:

[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgPEX2XKvmE[/YOUTUBE]

 

[ZiprHead]

I don't wear wool socks. They make my penis itchy.