Things that make you laugh...

[Keith&Co.]

You can always download the manual (in pdf format) from the Internet, rather than take a special trip to the dealer (who may not have one anyway). Go to the appliance manufacturer's website and enter the model number under the Support tab. I've done this many times on products that have been out for more than 20 years!

I've done it for products about 2 weeks old but the manual got thrown out with the wrapping paper.

But that's just it.
She HAS the right manual. Phrases like 'If your stove is equipped with Shabbat mode' would be considered clues to enlightened consumers. It's an 'IF' statement. The answer is 'no,' then skip the next four paragraphs.

 

[gmbteach]

 

[hyzer]

In high school in 1978, we had a teacher, Mr Bridges, who kept his desk and desk drawers perfectly organized. One day there was an announcement and he had to go to the admin offices leaving us alone in the classroom. We knew that was at least a 5 minute walk each way from the classroom. As soon as he was gone we jumped to action to carry out our plan . . . we pulled all his desk drawers, swapping the top left and right, then criss-cross swapping the other 4. He returned and resumed the teaching. The bell rang and as we walked out, one of my compatriots asked him if they could borrow his stapler to fasten some papers. He, as was his habit, did not even look as he opened his top right drawer only to not find his stapler in its appointed position. "Oh, never mind" said the student, exiting quickly.

The next day he actually complemented us as he sheepishly added that after school he has emptied two drawers before he realized that is not what we did . . .

 

[hyzer]

So, my aunt bought a new stove.
'Aunt' being family shorthand. I think she's a second or third cousin, at least three times removed, maybe five, but the Uncle who not only fully understands the relationship system and family tree, he will also spend four hours making sure you fully understand it, lives far enough away that i can pretend he's recently died.
Anyway, 'Sally' needed a new stove and the salesman wanted to move a floor display unit he'd had 'forever' so she got a great deal.

Free delivery and take-away of the old one, set-up and tested and leveled and everything. Great choice, great service.

Yesterday, her kid went through the instruction manual and asked what 'Shabbat' mode is. Most of that side of the family knows less about Judaism than Self-Mutation knew about actual Christainity, so phone calls led to phone calls led eventually to me. I tried to explain that it's nothing to worry about, it's a way to override automatic shut-off safety timers for the purpose of keeping Kosher, for orthodox Jews.

She then goes into some sort of panic that she's now on some registry as being Jewish because her stove has the capability to cook foods on the weekend.

So despite the great deal, she's intending to take the thing back and pay more for a new stove, in order to avoid association with a religion she knows bupkes* about. I was tempted to let her. But then she'll be screaming at an innocent dealer who bent over backwards to make her happy and make room for a new stove on his floor....

LUCKILY, we just bought a new stove ourselves. I mean, like, just weeks ago. And i recalled that our unit does not have that feature, but the manual described how to turn it on.

So i ask if she's sure that the oven even does this. "It's in the USER MANUAL!" she points out. i tried to explain that corporations save money by making one manual for several different versions. No help. Not until i suggest that the dealer, the one she already suspects of having done her dirty, may have included the wrong manual by mistake.

So i get her son on the phone and we try to see if we can set Shabbat mode. He's a little snippy that i don't own a cell phone so he cannot just send me pics of the unit. I withhold snipping back at him for being the son of an idiot.... But in the end, we agree that there are no such controls.

Now she's just going to take the manual back to the dealer and demand 'the real one.' Let him explain. I'm done. I saved him the effort of another delivery, he owes me.


*Sorry. Couldn't be helped.

I am an architect and I once had a client that hired my firm to renovate about 12 existing buildings in Philadelphia. We did the drawings, contractors were hired, the work began. I have to mention that windows typically come with a flange for installing them to the outside of the sheathing over the wall framing. However, for applications in existing buildings, all window manufacturers make the exact same windows without flanges. This is because in an existing building the sheathing is typically covered with the exterior finish materials (in this case brick) which you don't want to have to remove to install the new windows. The windows sans flanges are slid into the openings and fastened with various means from the interior of the building (instead of the exterior). Some of these window manufacturers call windows without flanges "replacement" windows. This is essentially industry shorthand . . . . for this project I have specified and detailed for windows without flanges. The windows arrive and the contractor starts installing them and a day or so later the client visits the site and I get an angry call from him "I paid for NEW windows! Why am I getting REPLACEMENT windows!!!!"

 

[Elixir]

Confession, decades later...

After our Dad died, our mother (of 5) moved us to the Santa Barbara suburb of Montecito. Nice house on the highest then-developed road in the mountains overlooking the ocean, but it was about to explode into some really pricey real estate. Someone built a road and began a humongous foundation right above us. I was about 11 at the time, my younger brother was 9... and we didn't exactly cotton to the idea of being looked down upon.

We walked up to see what was going on, and holy moly - there were these ditches with little stakes and strings in them ALL OVER the place. (In retrospect I'd estimate that it was about a 5-6000sq ft foundation footprint). We were basically good kids, and didn't want to do any wanton destruction or anything, but just HAD to express our displeasure in some small way. So we didn't really mess with it - just moved some of the stakes a few inches this way and that. We were careful to keep the strings tight though, because we really didn't want to do any damage.

It was a few days before some man was at the door screaming at our Mom... after she got rid of him, she sat me and my brother down and asked if we had done anything to "that house they're building". We just sort of looked at each other. Uncharacteristically, our Mom just let it go!

The next weekend there was a lot of heavy equipment up there, and we had to go investigate. Yup. There was a whole parade of huge trucks, hauling away concrete as fast as two monster excavators could pull it out of the ground...

For the sake of my conscience, I like to hope the owners or builders had some kind of insurance.

 

[gmbteach]

In high school in 1978, we had a teacher, Mr Bridges, who kept his desk and desk drawers perfectly organized. One day there was an announcement and he had to go to the admin offices leaving us alone in the classroom. We knew that was at least a 5 minute walk each way from the classroom. As soon as he was gone we jumped to action to carry out our plan . . . we pulled all his desk drawers, swapping the top left and right, then criss-cross swapping the other 4. He returned and resumed the teaching. The bell rang and as we walked out, one of my compatriots asked him if they could borrow his stapler to fasten some papers. He, as was his habit, did not even look as he opened his top right drawer only to not find his stapler in its appointed position. "Oh, never mind" said the student, exiting quickly.

The next day he actually complemented us as he sheepishly added that after school he has emptied two drawers before he realized that is not what we did . . .

Ohh I like it!!

 

[Davka]

Confession, decades later...

After our Dad died, our mother (of 5) moved us to the Santa Barbara suburb of Montecito. Nice house on the highest then-developed road in the mountains overlooking the ocean, but it was about to explode into some really pricey real estate. Someone built a road and began a humongous foundation right above us. I was about 11 at the time, my younger brother was 9... and we didn't exactly cotton to the idea of being looked down upon.

We walked up to see what was going on, and holy moly - there were these ditches with little stakes and strings in them ALL OVER the place. (In retrospect I'd estimate that it was about a 5-6000sq ft foundation footprint). We were basically good kids, and didn't want to do any wanton destruction or anything, but just HAD to express our displeasure in some small way. So we didn't really mess with it - just moved some of the stakes a few inches this way and that. We were careful to keep the strings tight though, because we really didn't want to do any damage.

It was a few days before some man was at the door screaming at our Mom... after she got rid of him, she sat me and my brother down and asked if we had done anything to "that house they're building". We just sort of looked at each other. Uncharacteristically, our Mom just let it go!

The next weekend there was a lot of heavy equipment up there, and we had to go investigate. Yup. There was a whole parade of huge trucks, hauling away concrete as fast as two monster excavators could pull it out of the ground...

For the sake of my conscience, I like to hope the owners or builders had some kind of insurance.

As a Santa Barbara native, I approve your ultimately futile protest against the encroachment of the 1%. They own the place now, but it was worth a shot.

 

[spikepipsqueak]

Who says doing the washing isn't fun?

My boss has boxers that must make him look like Michaelangelo's David from navel to thighs.

 

[Angry Floof]

Seen on facebook:

Person 1:
Koan:
~
Can you be who you are, and be kind to yourself?
Like · · Share
8 people like this.

Person 2: Does "mercy killing" count?

 

[Keith&Co.]

So last night, we had Cornish Game Hens, with Cornbread stuffing.
I served them with a side of steamed corn.

My wife looked over the table when everyone sat down and threatened to leave me if i told one corny joke during the meal.

SO i told a few tales from the Navy, ending with one about a torpedoman who threw her division officer into a tank of water, but he's the one that got into trouble because he was stupid. Just as i get to the end of the story, the wife stands up and shouts: "I remember that! That was Petty Officer Cornelius!"
"Sarah," i said with a nod.
"BUt everyone called her CORNY!"
"DID they?" I asked with a face of purest innocence.

But it's a GOOD thing to sleep on the sofa. I can play with my computer until i'm good and ready to shut it down for the night. And i don't have to fight anyone for the covers.... And the bathroom's closer on this floor than from the master bedroom....

 

[Angry Floof]

I like your wife a great deal. She is quite a woman.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I like your wife a great deal. She is quite a woman.

A LOT of my coworkers say that.
I always thought it was 'a thing you say' about spouses. An automatic response to 'my wife said' stories.

But it's apparently not. When i go to the Science Fair, and tabulate the judges' results (i got volunteered to create the spreadsheet and do the entries), all HER coworkers mutter, 'he looks so normal.' Her students just giggle...

 

[gmbteach]

I like your wife a great deal. She is quite a woman.

A LOT of my coworkers say that.
I always thought it was 'a thing you say' about spouses. An automatic response to 'my wife said' stories.

But it's apparently not. When i go to the Science Fair, and tabulate the judges' results (i got volunteered to create the spreadsheet and do the entries), all HER coworkers mutter, 'he looks so normal.' Her students just giggle...

You mean you aren't?

 

[Keith&Co.]

all HER coworkers mutter, 'he looks so normal.' ...

You mean you aren't?

At my wife's school's Christmas party, we sat with the English Department. My wife's department is about 90% female. One of the other teachers said, "Oh, if anyone gets drunk ,my husband'll drive you home. You just have to be naked when you get in the car."
"I'll do it," I said.
"And he's serious," My wife added, not turning around from the conversation she was in.

And i was.

 

[Angry Floof]

hahaha! That really cracked me up. Sounds like the wife has a great sense of humor. Your stories are the best!

 

[Underseer]

Found this posted on Google+

English: A dog
Swedish: What?
English: The dog
English: Two dogs
Swedish: En hund, hunden
Swedish: Två hundar, hundarna
German: ...
English: No, go away
Swedish: No one invited you
German: Der Hund
English: I said go away
German: Ein Hund, zwei Hunde
Swedish: Stop it
German: Den Hund, einen Hund, dem Hund, einem Hund, des Hundes, eines Hundes, den Hunden, der Hunden
Finnish: 'sup
English: NO
Swedish: NO
German: NO
Finnish: Koira, koiran, koiraa, koiran again, koirassa, koirasta, koiraan, koiralla, koiralta, koiralle, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, koirineen, koirin
German: ...
Swedish: ...
English: ...
Finnish: Aaaand... koirasi, koirani, koiransa, koiramme, koiranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koiraansa, koiraamme, koiraanne, koirassani, koirassasi, koirassansa, koirassamme, koirassanne, koirastani, koirastasi, koirastansa, koirastamme, koirastanne, koirallani, koirallasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, koirallanne, koiranani, koiranasi, koiranansa, koiranamme, koirananne, koirakseni, koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koiraksemme, koiraksenne, koirattani, koirattasi, koirattansa, koirattamme, koirattanne, koirineni, koirinesi, koirinensa, koirinemme, koirinenne
English: ...
Swedish: ...
German: ...
Finnish: Wait! then there's koirakaan, koirankaan, koiraakaan, koirassakaan, koirastakaan, koiraankaan, koirallakaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koiraako, koirassako, koirastako, koiraanko, koirallako, koiraltako, koiralleko, koiranako, koiraksiko, koirattako, koirineenko, koirinko, koirasikaan, koiranikaan, koiransakaan, koirammekaan, koirannekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraasikaan, koiraansakaan, koiraammekaan, koiraannekaan, koirassanikaan, koirassasikaan, koirassansakaan, koirassammekaan, koirassannekaan, koirastanikaan, koirastasikaan, koirastansakaan, koirastammekaan, koirastannekaan, koirallanikaan, koirallasikaan, koirallansakaan, koirallammekaan, koirallannekaan, koirananikaan, koiranasikaan, koiranansakaan, koiranammekaan, koiranannekaan, koiraksenikaan, koiraksesikaan, koiraksensakaan, koiraksemmekaan, koiraksennekaan, koirattanikaan, koirattasikaan, koirattansakaan, koirattammekaan, koirattannekaan, koirinenikaan, koirinesikaan, koirinensakaan, koirinemmekaan, koirinennekaan, koirasiko, koiraniko, koiransako, koirammeko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraasiko, koiraansako, koiraammeko, koiraanneko, koirassaniko, koirassasiko, koirassansako, koirassammeko, koirassanneko, koirastaniko, koirastasiko, koirastansako, koirastammeko, koirastanneko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirallansako, koirallammeko, koirallanneko, koirananiko, koiranasiko, koiranansako, koiranammeko, koirananneko, koirakseniko, koiraksesiko, koiraksensako, koiraksemmeko, koiraksenneko, koirattaniko, koirattasiko, koirattansako, koirattammeko, koirattanneko, koirineniko, koirinesiko, koirinensako, koirinemmeko, koirinenneko, koirasikaanko, koiranikaanko, koiransakaanko, koirammekaanko, koirannekaanko, koiraanikaanko, koiraasikaanko, koiraansakaanko, koiraammekaanko, koiraannekaanko, koirassanikaanko, koirassasikaanko, koirassansakaanko, koirassammekaanko, koirassannekaanko, koirastanikaanko, koirastasikaanko, koirastansakaanko, koirastammekaanko, koirastannekaanko, koirallanikaanko, koirallasikaanko, koirallansakaanko, koirallammekaanko, koirallannekaanko, koirananikaanko, koiranasikaanko, koiranansakaanko, koiranammekaanko, koiranannekaanko, koiraksenikaanko, koiraksesikaanko, koiraksensakaanko, koiraksemmekaanko, koiraksennekaanko, koirattanikaanko, koirattasikaanko, koirattansakaanko, koirattammekaanko, koirattannekaanko, koirinenikaanko, koirinesikaanko, koirinensakaanko, koirinemmekaanko, koirinennekaanko, koirasikokaan, koiranikokaan, koiransakokaan, koirammekokaan, koirannekokaan, koiraanikokaan, koiraasikokaan, koiraansakokaan, koiraammekokaan, koiraannekokaan, koirassanikokaan, koirassasikokaan, koirassansakokaan, koirassammekokaan, koirassannekokaan, koirastanikokaan, koirastasikokaan, koirastansakokaan, koirastammekokaan, koirastannekokaan, koirallanikokaan, koirallasikokaan, koirallansakokaan, koirallammekokaan, koirallannekokaan, koirananikokaan, koiranasikokaan, koiranansakokaan, koiranammekokaan, koiranannekokaan, koiraksenikokaan, koiraksesikokaan, koiraksensakokaan, koiraksemmekokaan, koiraksennekokaan, koirattanikokaan, koirattasikokaan, koirattansakokaan, koirattammekokaan, koirattannekokaan, koirinenikokaan, koirinesikokaan, koirinensakokaan, koirinemmekokaan, koirinennekokaan
Swedish: ...
German: ...
English: Okay, now you're just making things up!
Finnish: And now the plural forms...

 

[Mageth]

Finnish Scrabble must be a real bitch.

 

[gmbteach]

You mean you aren't?

At my wife's school's Christmas party, we sat with the English Department. My wife's department is about 90% female. One of the other teachers said, "Oh, if anyone gets drunk ,my husband'll drive you home. You just have to be naked when you get in the car."
"I'll do it," I said.
"And he's serious," My wife added, not turning around from the conversation she was in.

And i was.

hahaha! That really cracked me up. Sounds like the wife has a great sense of humor. Your stories are the best!

Keith&Co, I agree with hylidae. The more I read of your stories, the more I like you and I think you and your wife are well suited.

 

[bilby]

Finnish Scrabble must be a real bitch.

On the contrary; no matter what tiles you have, they spell a valid word - in any order.

 

[Keith&Co.]

At my wife's school's Christmas party, we sat with the English Department. My wife's department is about 90% female. One of the other teachers said, "Oh, if anyone gets drunk ,my husband'll drive you home. You just have to be naked when you get in the car."
"I'll do it," I said.
"And he's serious," My wife added, not turning around from the conversation she was in.

In answer to someone's question, Missy called her husband and said she had a passenger needing a ride home.
"Looks? Oh, five foot ten, 250 pounds, balding, but a nice beard and... What?"
By an amazing coincidence, he discovered RIGHT then that the car wouldn't start.

- - - Updated - - -

hahaha! That really cracked me up. Sounds like the wife has a great sense of humor. Your stories are the best!

Keith&Co, I agree with hylidae. The more I read of your stories, the more I like you and I think you and your wife are well suited.

Well, i always felt that if i ended up crying to a bartender it wouldn't quite be the cliche.
No, in my case, i'd whine 'My wife DOES understand me....'