Things that make you laugh...

[Elixir]

Some bigwig from headquarters is coming for a visit. No one's entirely sure what he's here to see. He asked about two projects, and is liaising through someone who's program manager of a third project...

Turns out, Mr. Wig is here to see MY program. He has questions about a topic i was specifically hired to create and give training for.

Word from a coworker is that three bosses, two of them mine, are getting their heads together to try to find some way to ask me to participate despite their previous, and very clear, message to stay the fuck away from the corporate visitor...

Are you sure they're not investigating the mental degradation of personnel assigned to work with you?

 

[Keith&Co.]

Some bigwig from headquarters is coming for a visit. No one's entirely sure what he's here to see. He asked about two projects, and is liaising through someone who's program manager of a third project...

Turns out, Mr. Wig is here to see MY program. He has questions about a topic i was specifically hired to create and give training for.

Word from a coworker is that three bosses, two of them mine, are getting their heads together to try to find some way to ask me to participate despite their previous, and very clear, message to stay the fuck away from the corporate visitor...

Are you sure they're not investigating the mental degradation of personnel assigned to work with you?

OH, yes. They've pretty much determined that all the bubbleheads are a lost cause. Two of them are actually old enough to remember when the Academy taught that 'enlisted men are stupid but sly and devious, and bear considerable watching. Now they just say 'Training...' or 'Submariners...' the way certain characters in a sitcom say 'Men...'

 

[gmbteach]

 

[gmbteach]

 

[gmbteach]

 

[Elixir]

so, my wife doesn't like it when I set mousetraps. I set one in a closet, and the next day there was a sign on the door. That kinda pissed me off, so I stuck it on her TV. Came back a few minutes later and saw this:

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

From Bill Maher’s show:

“Michele Obama has announced the title of her book: ‘Becoming’

Not to be outdone, Melania Trump announced the title of HER book: ‘Pretending to be Coming”.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Reviewing the software for the new Work Logs for Strategic Fire Control systems. And Launcher. And Navigation.
Formal record of the jobs performed, results received, things found and actions taken during watch while in control of the nuclear arsenal that may or may not be assigned to any specific SSBN on patrol. Or in refit.

One of the columns is for recording SIGNIFICANT NUMBERS. Serial numbers, fault signatures, failure report IDs, stuff like that. The programmer decided to save space by spelling it

Sig Nums​

I don't know why, but I can't get 'sig nums' out of my head. I mean, that sounds like the name you give something you Labrador retriever likes to play with, or takes on car rides, that you invoke by babytalk. "Does he wants his sig nums? Go find your sig nums!"
I can't get over it.
I just spent 20 minutes walking around the cubicles with my coworker's teddy bear (in a FLASH costume), talking babytalk to adults about how WOOFY wants his SIG NUMS. DO YOU GOTS HIS SIG NUMS? You better not be hiding the sig nums, man, there will be repercushions.
And they're all, WTF, DUDE?

Well, not 'all,' in fact.
Somewhat less than 'all.' I'd say 53% just ignored me.
One took the opportunity to get my signature on my travel claim she's processing, "And don't sign it Woofly."
"Woofy, no L," I had to point out.
One gave me M&Ms to go away.
So, maybe seven are WTF?
But they're not actually in my unit, they're in the unit that just shares space with us. Grudgingly shares space... With us weirdos...

I'll just bet one of them is hiding the sig nums...

 

[Keith&Co.]

I think a coworker was trying to gross me out...
Weird.

This guy hasn't spoken to me much in 18 years. Not at ALL since my eye surgery. Something about my descriptions really made him uncomfortable and he leaves the room if I walk in.
So, yesterday, he comes into our office and to my cubicle.
And starts telling me about his colostomy bag. How he just changed it, and how he wears it, a few other details.

I THINK he wanted me to react with discomfort.

I looked at him when he finished speaking.

"So, um, do you think if you dropped a Mentos into that thing, it'd explode like a 2 liter bottle of Coke?"

He got uncomfortable and departed with alacrity...

 

[Elixir]

I think a coworker was trying to gross me out...
Weird.

This guy hasn't spoken to me much in 18 years. Not at ALL since my eye surgery. Something about my descriptions really made him uncomfortable and he leaves the room if I walk in.
So, yesterday, he comes into our office and to my cubicle.
And starts telling me about his colostomy bag. How he just changed it, and how he wears it, a few other details.

I THINK he wanted me to react with discomfort.

I looked at him when he finished speaking.

"So, um, do you think if you dropped a Mentos into that thing, it'd explode like a 2 liter bottle of Coke?"

He got uncomfortable and departed with alacrity...

I would have just deadpanned - "No shit?"

 

[Keith&Co.]

Kind of a watershed moment in the house this morning.

Two of our three kids have not left home, yet. I'm pretty much okay with that. I was out of MY house at 17, but these days, I'd rather they be ready to leave than risk them moving BACK in once i get used to the silence.
And they throw their clothes in to the laundry, I'm okay with that. Or i was...

Today, had to tell the Tallest that i was no longer going to do his laundry. What was already sorted into the various hampers, i'll do, but i hit a stopping point. He's responsible for his own clothes from now on.
"Okay," he said. "Um.... Why?"
"Because when i lifted up the last pair of your pants i'll ever wash, i saw what was beneath them. It's purple, eleven inches long, and if it goes by a name, I don't want to know what it is." I just draw a line at washing other people's dildos.
I don't think that's too outrageous a line to draw, really. I mean, well... I know where it's been.
His reply was, "Oh! Is that where it ended up?"

His twin, Oldest, pipes up with 'If it's any help, he washed it just two days ago!" Followed by a discussion of the recent purchase of a bottle or tube of 'Midsummer Night's Cream' and the benefits it provides the consumer of rubber products. Why Oldest is familiar with MN'sC, I don't want to know, either.

Tallest ignores him. Agrees that he'll never ever ever ask me to do laundry again. Ask where... It... is.

"Ask your mother."
"WHY does MOM have it?"
"Mostly to see the look on your face when you have to ask her for it back."

I suppose i should send him a thank you note, that he did not choose this as the method to 'come out' to us...

 

[paladin.oa]

I suppose i should send him a thank you note, that he did not choose this as the method to 'come out' to us...

Yes, yes you should. Heh.

 

[thebeave]

Kind of a watershed moment in the house this morning.

Two of our three kids have not left home, yet. I'm pretty much okay with that. I was out of MY house at 17, but these days, I'd rather they be ready to leave than risk them moving BACK in once i get used to the silence.
And they throw their clothes in to the laundry, I'm okay with that. Or i was...

Today, had to tell the Tallest that i was no longer going to do his laundry. What was already sorted into the various hampers, i'll do, but i hit a stopping point. He's responsible for his own clothes from now on.
"Okay," he said. "Um.... Why?"
"Because when i lifted up the last pair of your pants i'll ever wash, i saw what was beneath them. It's purple, eleven inches long, and if it goes by a name, I don't want to know what it is." I just draw a line at washing other people's dildos.
I don't think that's too outrageous a line to draw, really. I mean, well... I know where it's been.
His reply was, "Oh! Is that where it ended up?"

His twin, Oldest, pipes up with 'If it's any help, he washed it just two days ago!" Followed by a discussion of the recent purchase of a bottle or tube of 'Midsummer Night's Cream' and the benefits it provides the consumer of rubber products. Why Oldest is familiar with MN'sC, I don't want to know, either.

Tallest ignores him. Agrees that he'll never ever ever ask me to do laundry again. Ask where... It... is.

"Ask your mother."
"WHY does MOM have it?"
"Mostly to see the look on your face when you have to ask her for it back."

I suppose i should send him a thank you note, that he did not choose this as the method to 'come out' to us...

Man, things sure have changed since when I was kid living at home with my parents back in the '70's. My big thing was to sneak out to the living room and try to catch a fleeting glimpse of naked boobies on an scrambled, unstable HBO broadcast at 1 in the morning. I would have been completely mortified if my mom or dad caught me. They probably would have just shaken their head, and never spoke of it again. Then again, I was a bit sheltered as a kid, and a late bloomer to boot so maybe there was more sex talk with parents among some of the other kids...

 

[Angry Floof]

How to make bagpipes out of a garbage bag and recorders.

[YOUTUBE]https://youtu.be/zBC5ZprxEA0[/YOUTUBE]

 

[Jayjay]

So that's why bagpipes sound like garbage.

 

[Underseer]

Ok, so in reading a tech thread, I was hit with an old memory that some might find amusing.

Decades ago, I went to IIT around the late 1980s to early 1990s. IIT is an engineering school. Sort of like MIT but without the brilliant genius students or the super important professors developing the technologies of tomorrow. Anyway, the point is that most of us were tech-heads who should have known better.

As part of the student-work program that helped me pay for tuition, I worked as a tutor for calculus and calculus-based physics at the school's tutoring center.

Somewhere along the way, one of the computers at the tutoring center got infected with a virus. So being college student tech heads, we all leaped into action thinking we knew what the [bad word] any of us were doing. Someone brought in a floppy disk with some antivirus software on it, and we cleaned the computer.

Then later the symptoms started showing up again on the same computer.

Then it started showing up on other computers at the tutoring center.

It took us far too long to figure out that the floppy with the antivirus software was itself infected with a virus and we were spreading it from computer to computer everytime someone shoved that [bad word] disk into another computer and launched the installer. (Antivirus installers and executables were a lot less sophisticated back then.)

So, uhm, yeah. We were spreading a virus with antivirus software. Go, us!

- - - Updated - - -

How to make bagpipes out of a garbage bag and recorders.

[YOUTUBE]https://youtu.be/zBC5ZprxEA0[/YOUTUBE]

I can't decide if that's the most horrible or most amazing thing I've seen all year. Can it be both?

 

[Keith&Co.]

My coworker threw a party this weekend.
First question miss L asked was, "Did anyone get drunk?"
"No," he said. he described the food, the drink, the games played, the midnight decision to make fajitas so they fired up the grill in -2 degree weather on the deck... Then they found they had no marinade, but someone said you could use liquor, so they sorted it by flavor, then found that frozen flank steak won't marinate, so they drank the marinade...
Anyway, at some point L said, "So everyone got drunk."
He insisted no one was drunk. Many who were at the party agreed that no one was drunk.
L insists that drinking 'used' marinade from a bucket at 1 in the morning qualifies.

I had to point out that everyone who said that line wasn't quite crossed was either in the Navy or married to someone who was... We may have slightly... elevated... requirements to qualify someone as 'drunk.'

Carrying a tricycle through the woods, hunting raccoons with a sword, somehow convinced that raccoons are attracted to the little bells on trikes... THAT'S drunk.
Calling your ex after 11:30 PM, explaining in detail why it's a good thing she broke up with you OR detailing your new plan to make money by selling pinecones wrapped with toilet paper ("Cause it's FUNNY!"), that's drunk.
Waking up in a car with tinted windows and black upholstery and convinced you've gone blind from drinking everclear... Maybe.

 

[bilby]

My coworker threw a party this weekend.
First question miss L asked was, "Did anyone get drunk?"
"No," he said. he described the food, the drink, the games played, the midnight decision to make fajitas so they fired up the grill in -2 degree weather on the deck... Then they found they had no marinade, but someone said you could use liquor, so they sorted it by flavor, then found that frozen flank steak won't marinate, so they drank the marinade...
Anyway, at some point L said, "So everyone got drunk."
He insisted no one was drunk. Many who were at the party agreed that no one was drunk.
L insists that drinking 'used' marinade from a bucket at 1 in the morning qualifies.

I had to point out that everyone who said that line wasn't quite crossed was either in the Navy or married to someone who was... We may have slightly... elevated... requirements to qualify someone as 'drunk.'

Carrying a tricycle through the woods, hunting raccoons with a sword, somehow convinced that raccoons are attracted to the little bells on trikes... THAT'S drunk.
Calling your ex after 11:30 PM, explaining in detail why it's a good thing she broke up with you OR detailing your new plan to make money by selling pinecones wrapped with toilet paper ("Cause it's FUNNY!"), that's drunk.
Waking up in a car with tinted windows and black upholstery and convinced you've gone blind from drinking everclear... Maybe.

The Royal Navy in the 18th Century had a regulation against drunkeness on watch; A man was deemed to be 'drunk' if he was unable to stand upright, given three attempts to do so.

I'm not sure what BAC that translates to, but I suspect it's a bit more than most modern definitions of impairment due to alcohol.

 

[Wiploc]

The Royal Navy in the 18th Century had a regulation against drunkeness on watch; A man was deemed to be 'drunk' if he was unable to stand upright, given three attempts to do so.

I'm not sure what BAC that translates to, but I suspect it's a bit more than most modern definitions of impairment due to alcohol.

Harder in a storm at sea, but then you shouldn't drink as much when you're standing guard in that situation.

 

[Thomas II]

How to make bagpipes out of a garbage bag and recorders.

[YOUTUBE]https://youtu.be/zBC5ZprxEA0[/YOUTUBE]

I like the sound of well played bagpipes, but that is so fucking funny!