Things that make you laugh...

[Underseer]

That's supposed to be funny because priests are morally superior, and thus would never sleep with another man's wife.

No, humor is in the speed bump. Whether or not the idea of a woman's lover being a priest shocks or amuses, the fact that the kid doesn't know that his father has coincidentally chosen the adulterer to urge a confession, which is revealed in the response to 'It's dark in here.' is the source of the humor. BAM! suddenly the lover is a priest, and suddenly the confessor has a reason not to force the boy to confess. Dad's in for disappointment either way.

Which then leads to wondering, 'Where does a priest get 1000 dollars?'

From what I understand, priests generally get more spending/pocket money than others in the church. Monks and nuns can be quite bitter about that.

 

[Underseer]

http://www.101wkqx.com/2015/11/17/dave-grohl-to-drum-battle-with-animal-on-the-muppets/

 

[Underseer]

Traditionally, in Civilization games, whenever you research a technology or complete a world wonder, you are treated to a quote from a historical figure.

Civilization: Beyond Earth is set in the future, so all the quotes are fictional, but some of them are pretty funny.

Anansi looked at the man's genome and said 'Messy! Messy! Who can live like this?' He took a broom and swept up the genome, and when the man woke up, he felt much better. — The Uncle Nevercloned Stories (accompanies "Promethean" wonder)

If it's a sin to 'play God,' then why would He leave His tools lying around?
— The Uncle Nevercloned Stories (accompanies "Bioengineering" tech)

 

[Keith&Co.]

Tuesday we had Chinese. My fortune cookie said, "Your observations are useful to others."

Sunday, we took youngest back to his college on the other side of the state. With the exception of Thanksgiving Day itself, i've been regularly announcing "I spy wiht my little eye...something-"
"DAD!"
"You have to play! It's useful! THe cookie says so!"

 

[gmbteach]

Tuesday we had Chinese. My fortune cookie said, "Your observations are useful to others."

Sunday, we took youngest back to his college on the other side of the state. With the exception of Thanksgiving Day itself, i've been regularly announcing "I spy wiht my little eye...something-"
"DAD!"
"You have to play! It's useful! THe cookie says so!"

 

[Keith&Co.]

So there's this computer scam. You get a phone call from someone who identifies himself as a certified Microsoft Professional, and his company has received an alert from your computer about a virus it has been infected with. They want you to go online so they can purge your system, but in fact they direct you to a website where they will download a virus into your computer.

I COULD just tell them i'm not falling for it, but i usually want to use up their valuable time. Last time one called, i insisted that my computer was never on the internet, exactly because of fear of viruses, so i didn't understand how they got this alarm. He didn't want to explain that, but he was adamant that my computer must have internet access because if it doesn't, then my computer's basically worthless! We discussed that for a while, and then he tried to convince me that he wouldn't be calling me, at no expense to me, unless he was legit. The conversation drifted through a few topics, including what i did with a computer that didn't involve the intrawebs and why i wasn't going to connect to the internet until he explained this error report, and after about 12 minutes he gave up and hung up on me.

Tonight, i went the other way. "Sir, we've received an error message from your computer."
"Which one?"
"Um.....the laptop."
"Doesn't help, there are five laptops in this house. Which one has the issue?"
"Yours."
"You never asked my name, John. And how do you know which computer is owned by the person who answered the phone?"

That's when the certified Microsoft Technican said, "Aw, hey, you know what? Fuck it." And hung up.

I hate it when they take away my chew toy before i get a good bite...

 

[Arctish]

Bad Lip Reading of The First Republican Debate:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufGlBv8Z3NU

 

[gmbteach]

This came up on my Facebook this morning. It is legit.

Police search for missing police dog

A police dog, tracking an offender in Coomera Waters this morning, has become separated from his handler, with police asking members of the public to immediately contact them if the spot the black German Shepherd.

The dog became separated from his handler around 11.15am in Coleman Road, Coomera Waters.

Police, including several members of the Dog Squad and Polair are in the Coomera Waters area searching for the dog. This area, which includes Coleman Road and Foxwell Road, contains several acerage properties and a large amount of bushland.

Members of the public are advised not to approach the dog, not to try and pat the dog, and should they sight him immediately call Triple Zero (000).

Anyone with information which could assist with this matter should contact Crime Stoppers anonymously via 1800 333 000 or crimestoppers.com.au 24hrs a day.

Crime Stoppers is a registered charity and community volunteer organisation working in partnership with the Queensland Police Service.

For all non-urgent police reporting or general police inquiries contact Policelink on 131 444 or Policelink.qld.gov.au 24hrs a day.

 

[repoman]

So yesterday I went to work and locked my bicycle ip at the rack for employees, which is a bit secluded but still a theft risk. I noticed that an older black and white LeMond was totally unlocked and told security about it (no idea of what happened after that).

Anyway, I was so distracted by that it made me forget to spin the dial on my combo lock. Anyone could have pushed the button and stolen my bike. So that is like a no good deed getting close to going unpunished story. Or a mind your nest lesson maybe.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, i had a wonderful time at my Strategic Weapons seminar. An astounding number of sailors showed up for my presentation, i had to give it three times to cover everyone. I was really looking forward to the second half on Thursday.

We were flying out on Friday, so we move to a new hotel on Thursday night, one next to the airport. I checked out and put everything, suitcase, carry-on, presentation, coat, everything i had brought, into the car. Then tried to get into the driver's seat.

I had locked the keys in the trunk.

This was about 0745, i had had plenty of time to drive to the base for the 0900 presentation.

I used the hotel phone to call Hertz. I described my problem, my location, but couldn't give them the account number off of my rental agreement...it was locked in the car. They finally found me by the license plate number. And revealed that they could do nothing for me, and gave me the number for Hertz Roadside Assistance.

They took all my information (last four of driver's license, no i do not have my rental agreement, no i don't have a phone, it's locked in the car, etc.) Then they called around and discovered that the locksmiths in and around Bremerton, WA, don't open before 0900. So i had to hang up and call back to them after 9.
I cheated, figuring that i'd have to give all my info all over again and called at 0850.

Turns out only ONE locksmith opens at 0900, the rest at 0930.

I'm still hoping to make it to the end of the presentation, so i tell them not to price shop, just give me the locksmith.

"OKay, sir, they have you on their list, they should call you in half an hour to arrange service."

We used to have a rule in the Navy when dealing with the Tender. When they give you a time, double it and add thirty. If they promise a tech rep in ten minutes, that's 50 minutes. If they promise crane support in half an hour, that's an hour and a half. I was having flashbacks that morning.

The half-hour to arrange took an hour and a half.

They said the driver would be calling me in half an hour, that was an hour.

He called to say, "I'm about 10 minutes from your location!" and that was a half hour before he showed up.

I finally made it out of the parking lot about the time that all my colleagues were collecting for the seminar's washup meeting. I just said Puck It and went straight to the next hotel.

Where i found angry messages from my boss and all sorts of advice that bordered somewhere between useless and offensive.

Yes, i could have gotten a taxi to the base... But my presentation materials were locked in the car.
I could have called my team mates for an update... But my phone was locked in my car.
I could have used the hotel's phone to make the call... But all the numbers were either stored on my phone (locked inna car), or on a list i carefully placed with my presentation materials....in my car.
I could have called my boss.... Except his phone number is on that list...



The maintenance guy at the hotel offered to loan me a hammer i could break into the car with. I really thought about it. I could always say that i hit a deer...
But i actually did hit a deer on the previous seminar.... I didn't think i wanted to explain hitting two deer twice in two rentals. They start to... You know... "LOOK" at you funny when you start doing that shit.

I turned the car in that afternoon and took the hotel shuttle everywhere i needed to go. Because i had developed a habit of carrying my keys around clenched in my teeth...

 

[James Brown]

"You should have been more careful!" </UselessParentalRebuke>

 

[Underseer]

What each state Googled:

http://blog.estately.com/2015/12/what-each-state-googled-more-than-any-other-state-in-2015/

Read the whole list at the above link. It's even funnier than the image.

 

[Keith&Co.]

A very old woman was in front of me at the bakery the other day. I waited patiently for her to get her order and move on. Then as she turned to go, she looked at me and said I had nice hands for a man.

"Well, thank you," I said.
"Yes... They look like women's hands."
"Um.... Okay. Thanx."
Not sure what to possibly say under those conditions. Well, four seconds later I knew what to say. I turned to my wife, and said, "Go ahead and laugh before you draw blood from biting your lip."
"Mmmfmm."
"Go on, you won't be fit company until you-"
"BWAHAHAHAHA!"
"...................not THAt funny..."

 

[Keith&Co.]

My friend got a new puppy a while ago. Looking for a name.
I suggested 'Get Down' for the same reason I suggest naming kids 'Knockitoff!' It'll save time.

Never thought he'd take it as anything other than a joke.

Turns out his mother hates dogs. Now when she visits, the Labrador wants nothing more in this world than to jump up and lick his favorite friend of his whole life. Who shouts his name, over and over, more and more urgently, driving him wild with glee.

She's in a panic, HE thinks that she's just so very excited to see him... And my friend is collapsed in the corner every time, laughing his head off.

 

[gmbteach]

My friend got a new puppy a while ago. Looking for a name.
I suggested 'Get Down' for the same reason I suggest naming kids 'Knockitoff!' It'll save time.

Never thought he'd take it as anything other than a joke.

Turns out his mother hates dogs. Now when she visits, the Labrador wants nothing more in this world than to jump up and lick his favorite friend of his whole life. Who shouts his name, over and over, more and more urgently, driving him wild with glee.

She's in a panic, HE thinks that she's just so very excited to see him... And my friend is collapsed in the corner every time, laughing his head off.

This reminds me as to how Fred, my pure bred Bull Arab got his name.

His original mum, a vet who breeds these dogs, named him 'Ruffy' because when he barks, he goes 'Ruff'. But he didn't look like a 'Ruffy' so we changed it. We tried Rex, Rover, Spot etc.. But he didn't respond to any of them.

Now, the ex and I had the policy of no dogs on the furniture and well, the puppy didn't want to listen.. Until one day, out of pure exasperation I yelled 'For Fucks sake Fred, get off the couch!' and he did. Now we weren't sure if he responded to Fred or Fuck, but went with Fred.

I miss that dog.

 

[+or-1]

My friend got a new puppy a while ago. Looking for a name.
I suggested 'Get Down' for the same reason I suggest naming kids 'Knockitoff!' It'll save time.

Never thought he'd take it as anything other than a joke.

Turns out his mother hates dogs. Now when she visits, the Labrador wants nothing more in this world than to jump up and lick his favorite friend of his whole life. Who shouts his name, over and over, more and more urgently, driving him wild with glee.

She's in a panic, HE thinks that she's just so very excited to see him... And my friend is collapsed in the corner every time, laughing his head off.

This reminds me as to how Fred, my pure bred Bull Arab got his name.

His original mum, a vet who breeds these dogs, named him 'Ruffy' because when he barks, he goes 'Ruff'. But he didn't look like a 'Ruffy' so we changed it. We tried Rex, Rover, Spot etc.. But he didn't respond to any of them.

Now, the ex and I had the policy of no dogs on the furniture and well, the puppy didn't want to listen.. Until one day, out of pure exasperation I yelled 'For Fucks sake Fred, get off the couch!' and he did. Now we weren't sure if he responded to Fred or Fuck, but went with Fred.

I miss that dog.

Off the couch? I wish I could cure my one year old yorkie form running up my body when I'm in my recliner and curling up on my head. I'd be happy for him to stay on the couch instead. Re. his name, when I first got him I was at work. I had a diet coke that said, "Have a coke with your Buddy." He's been our Buddy ever since.

 

[thebeave]

My friend got a new puppy a while ago. Looking for a name.
I suggested 'Get Down' for the same reason I suggest naming kids 'Knockitoff!' It'll save time.

Never thought he'd take it as anything other than a joke.

Turns out his mother hates dogs. Now when she visits, the Labrador wants nothing more in this world than to jump up and lick his favorite friend of his whole life. Who shouts his name, over and over, more and more urgently, driving him wild with glee.

She's in a panic, HE thinks that she's just so very excited to see him... And my friend is collapsed in the corner every time, laughing his head off.

You always have to think carefully when choosing the name of your dog. My cousin had a neighbor family with a big yellow lab. Because he was "yellow" and the smallest child could sorta ride him, the kids named him Taxi. Unfortunately, Taxi like to run off whenever he had the chance, leaving the family to frequently yell out on the street corner in the middle of a quiet suburban neighborhood, "Taxi! Taxi!". Quite embarassing.

Similarly, I always like the name Stella for a dog, but decided against it as I just couldn't imagine standing out in the street yelling..."Stella! Stella!"

 

[gmbteach]

My friend got a new puppy a while ago. Looking for a name.
I suggested 'Get Down' for the same reason I suggest naming kids 'Knockitoff!' It'll save time.

Never thought he'd take it as anything other than a joke.

Turns out his mother hates dogs. Now when she visits, the Labrador wants nothing more in this world than to jump up and lick his favorite friend of his whole life. Who shouts his name, over and over, more and more urgently, driving him wild with glee.

She's in a panic, HE thinks that she's just so very excited to see him... And my friend is collapsed in the corner every time, laughing his head off.

You always have to think carefully when choosing the name of your dog. My cousin had a neighbor family with a big yellow lab. Because he was "yellow" and the smallest child could sorta ride him, the kids named him Taxi. Unfortunately, Taxi like to run off whenever he had the chance, leaving the family to frequently yell out on the street corner in the middle of a quiet suburban neighborhood, "Taxi! Taxi!". Quite embarassing.

Similarly, I always like the name Stella for a dog, but decided against it as I just couldn't imagine standing out in the street yelling..."Stella! Stella!"

Both of my cats have an M on their foreheads in true tabby fashion. As they are sisters, their names had to start with the same letter. The first names I thought if we're Mischief and Mayhem. Then I pictured myself yelling that out across the neighbourhood.

They became Tabitha and Tiger instead.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I got sent to the Principal's office because of a dog's name.

Mom had this thing for figuring the dog's breed's heritage and choosing a name that reflected that. A scottish-breed was 'Heather,' for example.

Problem was, when we got a Samoyed, Mom couldn't pronounce any of the names she liked, so dad offered one and it stuck.

Mr. Daw ended up calling my dad to find out why my vocab sentence described me taking Vodka out for a walk...

 

[spikepipsqueak]

My friend got a new puppy a while ago. Looking for a name.
I suggested 'Get Down' for the same reason I suggest naming kids 'Knockitoff!' It'll save time.

Never thought he'd take it as anything other than a joke.

Turns out his mother hates dogs. Now when she visits, the Labrador wants nothing more in this world than to jump up and lick his favorite friend of his whole life. Who shouts his name, over and over, more and more urgently, driving him wild with glee.

She's in a panic, HE thinks that she's just so very excited to see him... And my friend is collapsed in the corner every time, laughing his head off.

You always have to think carefully when choosing the name of your dog. My cousin had a neighbor family with a big yellow lab. Because he was "yellow" and the smallest child could sorta ride him, the kids named him Taxi. Unfortunately, Taxi like to run off whenever he had the chance, leaving the family to frequently yell out on the street corner in the middle of a quiet suburban neighborhood, "Taxi! Taxi!". Quite embarassing.

Similarly, I always like the name Stella for a dog, but decided against it as I just couldn't imagine standing out in the street yelling..."Stella! Stella!"

I think I've told this one before here, but it fits.

My friend,like gmb, had to name her littermate kittens related names. Peace and Quiet.

When one of them went missing, my friend had to wander the streets of Mooroolbark yelling "Quiet! Quiet!" at the top of her voice.