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Joke gallery

C_Mucius_Scaevola said:
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Give a man a fish, and you can feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you can go and seduce his wife any time you want.
 
Give a man a fish and you can feed him for a day.

Teach him risk arbitrage and you can bankrupt his whole village.
 
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I replied, "I am so sorry. Let me start over...


Hello, are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember…

 
Archaeologists digging in Egypt found a mummy encased in gold.

As they very carefully took it apart they found it was covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. Its name was Ferrero Roche
 
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars it frequents, to which the horse replies, "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of "Cogito ergo sum", or "I think, therefore, I am".

But to explain this beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
 
I lost my virginity in my parent's bedroom.

I know it sounds weird but it was the only place my mom felt comfortable.
 
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot wings and a cold beer.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them


"The one who knows how to fix elevators: I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.”

 
A dog goes into a bar and says "hey bartender - it's my birthday. How about a free drink?" Bartender responds "Sure pal! The toilet's in the back on the left."
 
Barrack Obama didn't just appeal to black voters who thought he'd change America. He also appealed to white voters who thought he was Tiger Woods.
 
An elderly spinster was so desperate for love that she went to the local newspaper office to put an ad in the " Lonely Hearts" column.
" Well madam," said the clerk, " we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion."
"You don't say!" exclaimed the spinster. " Here, take $20, and to hell with the ad!'
 
Two English tourists are driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogogogoch, they stop for lunch. One of the tourists asks the waitress, "Before we order, could you settle an argument? Can you pronounce where we are?"

Very slowly, the girl leans over and says -


"Burrr... Gurrr... King".

 
Two young boys were attending a wedding. One asked the other: "How many men can a woman marry?
"Sixteen," came the reply. " How do you know that?" "Easy. All you have to do is add up like the preacher said. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"
 
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