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Joke gallery

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
An angel is showing the new arrivals around heaven. "Do you have any questions for me?" the angel says.
Two guys elbow their way through the crowd. One says, "Yeah. We're Trump supporters, and we would like to have the true story of how the Democrats stole the election."
The angel replies calmly, "Then you shall have perfect knowledge of the event. There was no steal. If you like, I can sit you down and you can watch every vote cast in your country, every last one, and you will see that Joseph Biden won fair and square, with an electoral victory of 306 to 232."
The first guy looks at his friend and says, "This goes higher up than we thought."
 

Loren Pechtel

Super Moderator
Staff member
An angel is showing the new arrivals around heaven. "Do you have any questions for me?" the angel says.
Two guys elbow their way through the crowd. One says, "Yeah. We're Trump supporters, and we would like to have the true story of how the Democrats stole the election."
The angel replies calmly, "Then you shall have perfect knowledge of the event. There was no steal. If you like, I can sit you down and you can watch every vote cast in your country, every last one, and you will see that Joseph Biden won fair and square, with an electoral victory of 306 to 232."
The first guy looks at his friend and says, "This goes higher up than we thought."

Fake!

People like that would have gone the other way.
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
What's the difference between Chick-Fil-A and sodomy?

One involves having nasty things in your colon and the other involves sodomy.

- John Fugelsang
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
A woman at a resort spots a middle-aged but quite muscular man. She goes up to him and says, "Are you new here? I haven't seen you before."
A strange look comes over his face. He says, "I'm going to tell you the truth. I just did 20 years in prison for killing my wife with a hatchet."
She says, "So you're single?"
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Australia Computer Terminology - Getting ready for NBN Broadband in the bush!
LOGON:….Adding wood to make the camp fire hotter.
LOG OFF:….Not adding any more wood to the camp fire.
MONITOR:….Keeping an eye on the fire.
DOWNLOAD:….Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE:….Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD:….Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOWS:….What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN:….What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE:….What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE:….What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP:….A pub snack.
MICROCHIP:….What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM:….What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP:….Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE:….Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE:….Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE:….The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME:….What holds the shed up.
WEB:….What spiders make.
WEBSITE:….Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE:….What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR:….What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO:….What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE:…. A steep hill.
SERVER:….The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER:….The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER:….The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK:….What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET:….Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE:….What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
ONLINE:….Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE:….Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
 

Atheos

Veteran Member
A horse goes into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender draws a mug and sets it in front of him with a worried look. "I'm getting concerned. Every day you come in here and drink until you can barely crawl home. Do you think you might be alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am."

And *poof* the horse vanishes.
 

bilby

Fair dinkum thinkum
A horse goes into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender draws a mug and sets it in front of him with a worried look. "I'm getting concerned. Every day you come in here and drink until you can barely crawl home. Do you think you might be alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am."

And *poof* the horse vanishes.

You probably should have explained in advance that this joke is a reference to the well known philosophical quote "I think, therefore I am".

But perhaps to do so would have been to put Descartes before the horse.
 

Wiploc

Veteran Member
A ragged fragment of a joke from memory. The speaker is Descartes:

...
Myself I extol, for I have a soul, and the horse does not.
Of course, I have to put Descartes before the horse.
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
My parents always thought I was going to be an astronaut.

They kept telling me I was taking up space.
 

Elixir

Content Thief
A young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident on the way to their wedding. Waiting to be admitted into Heaven, they began to wonder if they could still get married. When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said, "I don't know. You're the first ones to ask. Let me find out."
Three months elapsed before St Peter returned. "Yes," he said, "You can be married in Heaven."
"Wonderful," says the bride.
"Great," says the groom, "but...what if it didn't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter loses his angelic demeanor.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here ....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

(disclaimer: stolen)
 

C_Mucius_Scaevola

Veteran Member
234888185_1432588757125279_365994401523382184_n.jpg
 

Gospel

Aethiopian
An officer pulled me over for cutting through a corner gas station to avoid the traffic light
he gave me a warning because he knew I was going through a lot
 

Elixir

Content Thief
A woman who has been very sexually active tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they're too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insists that the surgery be kept a secret - and of course, the surgeon agrees to keep her privacy strictly confidential.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery, the woman finds 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, * she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon calmly reassures her that he had carried out her wish for confidentiality.

He explains that the first rose was from him because "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse", he says. "She assisted me in the surgery and empathized with you because she had the same procedure done a few years ago, and knew what you were going through."

"And what about the third rose?" asked the woman.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
The Little Rascals are in school. The teacher says, "I need someone to use the word admire in a sentence."
Spanky says, "I admire the cop on our block."
Teacher says, "Very good. Who can use respect in a sentence?"
Alfalfa says, "Umm... I respect Spanky for admiring the cop on our block."
"That's good," says the teacher. "Who can use dictate in a sentence?'
There's a long silence. Then Buckwheat blurts out, "Darla, how did my dictate?"
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
Two little boys are talking after school. One says, "I know how to make money off the grown-ups. You just gotta know how." He trains his friend on the way to do it. The boy goes home and catches his mother coming out of her bedroom. He arches one eyebrow and says, "Mom, I found out your deepest secret." She turns pale, looks back at the bedroom, and says, "You did?" She runs to get him a $20 and says, "Keep quiet about this to your father."
When his dad comes home, he goes out and meets him at the car. He cocks an eyebrow and says, "Pop, I found out your deepest secret."
His dad looks up at the house, says, "You did?" and brings out a $20. "Here, and don't tell your mother."
The kid goes to bed $40 richer. The next day the handyman is fixing their sink and he figures, why not. He cocks his eyebrow and says, "I found out your deepest secret."
The handyman stares at him for a second, sets down his spud wrench, and says, "You did???" He spreads his arms and says, "Come give your daddy a great big hug!"
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
Too much smut on this thread, not enough family entertainment. Here's a Disney joke.

A psychiatrist has a consultation with Mickey Mouse. "I've examined your wife thoroughly," he says. "She's completely sane. I can't figure out why you think she's crazy."
"Nooo," Mickey keens. "Nooooo! I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"
 

bilby

Fair dinkum thinkum
My psychiatrist says I'm paranoid.

Well, he didn't exactly say it, but I know that's what he's thinking.
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Q: Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

They're lactose




The genie gave me 1 wish. I wanted to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
A man goes to see an ophthalmologist, and takes with him a shoebox. The ophthalmologist asks him what the matter is, and the man opens the lid and shows him. In the bottom of the shoebox is an enormous, hard, brown turd about the size of a cucumber.

"Good God!" exclaims the ophthalmologist, "did you do that?"

"Yes" says the man

"I think you have come to the wrong place sir" says the ophthalmologist "You need to see a gastrointestinal specialist"

"No" says the man "Its you I need to see alright. The problem is, every time I do one of these, my eyes water!"
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
Heaven's switchboard takes a call from hell. "This is Sister Mary Margaret, and there has been one doozy of a mistake. I am in hell! Can you get me out of here?"
The operator says, "Please hold" and connects her to Accounts. This guy wants to know if she has led a life of faith.
"Yes, yes, you can look in my file. I have been a faithful bride of Christ. I don't want to be in hell for one more minute!"
"Please be calm, Mary Margaret. It does look like there has been a mistake. We should be able to transfer you in a matter of minutes." He hangs up.
Two hours later heaven gets another call. "This is Sister Mary Margaret, and I am STILL in hell, and they are saying very creepy things to me, and I want out!"
"We are doing our best, and we should be able to get you out in an hour or two."
"Well, you better hurry, because they announced the Devil's Orgy, and we are all expected to attend!"
"We'll get back to you."
Two hours later there's another call and a wispy voice says, "Hey...this is Mags...about the transfer, you can skip it, okay?"
 

ideologyhunter

Veteran Member
The doctor is surprised when his 60-year-old patient hands him an empty specimen jar. "You were supposed to take this home and produce a semen sample," he says.
The man says, "I know, doc. But it was just impossible, and I tried. Oh, did I try! I tried with my left hand, then my right, then both hands. Nothing. Then my wife tried to help, with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with teeth out, and nothing. Our neighbor came over and stuck it in her armpit, and then she clamped it between her legs, and nothing worked!"
The doctor said, "You had your neighbor help?!!"
The man says, "Yes! And none of us could open that goddamned jar!"
 
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skepticalbip

Contributor
I can't do this joke justice so I will let Norm tell it.
“A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.

And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

― Norm Macdonald
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Been a great week for me.
Won a huge lottery and the start of the week and now the ex-wife wants to get back with me.



I accidentally swallowed a number of scrabble tiles. The next trip to the dunny could spell disaster for me.
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car They get pulled over.
Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "
No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, idiot!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
I brought a new GPS. The first trip with it was to a cemetery I'd never been to before.
It directed me fine but i was concerned it when announced upon arrival "You have reached your final destination"
 
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