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Joke gallery

Another oldie:

A woman was reading in bed when her husband entered the bedroom. In his hands were two aspirin and a glass of water.

"Here, dear," he said, "this is for your headache."

"What do you mean?" she asked. "I don't have a headache."

"Are you sure? You look as if your head is killing you."

"No," she replied. "I feel just fine."

"C'mon," he said sternly. "No more needless suffering. Just take the aspirin and your headache will go away soon."

"For the last time," she said with some heat. "I *don't* have a headache."

"Good," her husband said, putting the pills and water glass down. "Then scoot over and brace yourself."
 
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams...

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams...

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo...'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell...'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that.'
 
On for gmbteach.........................

Teacher: "Jill, where is the America on the map?"
Jill: "Right there, ma'am."
Teacher: "Correct. Now, Jack, tell me who found America."
Jack: "Jill."
 
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake..?
 
At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," said his father.

"Okay”, the boy said,".

"Dear Lord,...
Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry.
And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.
AMEN"
 
Two jokes for the price of one! :)

Two guys were playing golf. On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes. Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups. All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared. She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups. She said, ''Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won't have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won't hurt my creations." *POOF* She disappeared. Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, "Bob! Bob! Come over here here quick!" Bob replied, "Wait a sec. I'm hitting my shot and I'll be right over." Jack yelled back at Bob, "Where are you?" Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Jack shouted back, "Don't swing Bob! For the love of God, don't swing!"


Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool. One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him. Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office. "Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine," the doctor said to the patient, "You can go home to your family, but before you do, you should know that the person you saved hung himself today." The patient replied, "He didn't hang himself; I hung him there to dry."
 
A dog lover, whose poodle was a bitch and 'in heat,' agreed to look after
and house her neighbor's male poodle while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

She couldn't separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy and irritated voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of
the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw.
Do you think that will work? she asked.

"It just worked for me,"



I met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds strange, dozen tit?



A guy walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo was a single dog. It was a shitzu.
 
spikepipsqueak said:
A dog lover, whose poodle was a bitch and 'in heat,' agreed to look after
and house her neighbor's male poodle while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

She couldn't separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy and irritated voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of
the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw.
Do you think that will work? she asked.

"It just worked for me,"



I met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds strange, dozen tit?



A guy walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo was a single dog. It was a shitzu.
Click to expand...


:hysterical: :laughing-smiley-014
 
10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
 
A small village church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, whose breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably, appalling very proper church ladies, who said that something had to be done about this or they would get another organist.


One of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, telling her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, causing them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are sour and make your mouth pucker up and you can't talk properly for a while afterwards. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.


The following Sunday morning, the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
 
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."
 
A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.”
The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Frances is pregnant – about four months would be my guess.” The mother replies, “Pregnant!?! She can’t be. She has never had sex, or even been left alone with a man! Frances?” Frances says, “No mother, I’ve never even kissed a man.”
The doctor walks to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and the mother asks impatiently, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, nothing wrong. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I am going to miss it this time...
 
A Mexican magician tells the audience he's going to do a vanishing act. He counts, "Uno, dos..." *poof!* He disappeared without a tres.




A man was walking in a grave-yard one night, when he heard a tap-tap-tapping. Looking around in fear, he spied a man carving something into a gravestone. Greatly relieved, the man said "What a relief! I thought you were a ghost!"

The man stopped his work and glanced up, then back down.
"Fools!", he spat. "They spelt my name wrong!"




What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.




Confused Christmas Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged -

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell
you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE -
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away)



Spoonerism xmas: God Rest Ye Gerry Mental Men....




Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's
going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

"Well, the Indians are collecting a shitload of
firewood."
 
spikepipsqueak said:
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell...
Click to expand...

FIFY - you missed a space. :p and it wasn't neat.
 
During the American Civil War, Lieutenant Holmes was placed in charge of a fort on the Western frontier. Every day precisely at noon, the fort's Sergeant-at-Arms would have a cannon fired, and the echo boomed across the valley.

Lieutenant Holmes, before the war, was an astronomer by trade, and naturally astronomers are very interested in the measure of time. He asked the Sergeant-at-Arms, "How do you know when it's noon in order to sound the cannon?"

"Easy, sir," said the Sergeant. "Once a week, when the men go down into town for liberty, I pass by a clockmaker's shop. Outside his front door he has a large clock showing the current time, and I set my pocket watch to match."

Lieutenant Holmes thought that was reasonable, but on further thought he decided that only moves the problem one step back. The next chance he had, he went down into town himself, and following the Sergeant's directions, he found the clockmaker's shop. Sure enough, there was a large clock hanging above the front door.

Stepping inside, the Lieutenant introduced himself to the shopkeeper. "That's an impressive clock you have hanging out front," Holmes said. "But I'm curious...how do you know what time to set it?"

"Oh, that's no problem," the clockmaker said...


"Every day at noon the fort on the hill shoots off a cannon, and I set my clock to match it."

 
spikepipsqueak said:
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
Click to expand...
"Mike the Halls"
"Do You Hear What ...THEY... Hear?"
"Go Tell It On The Microphones."
"Hark! The Disembodied Voices Sing"
"I Heard the Taps on Christmas Day, Changing the tapes in a leisurely way"
"I Saw Three Men In Black Sailing In"
"Silent Night.... Omninously silent...."
"We Three Kings Reorientation Are"
"What Child Is This? And why is she watching me?"
 
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