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Old South, back in the day, two Alabama high school girls are getting their portraits taken. But they're young and fidgety. Horsing around, laughing giggling. The photographer, doing his best to keep it together, but frustrated, says "Girls, Girls!!! Please! Simmer down while I focus!!"
The one girl says the same thing to the other girl. "Calm down!! He's gonna focus!!"
The other girl says, "Bofus?"
 
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George S said:
bilby said:
And the entomologist doesn't let that bug him.
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Note to self: wearing a white shirt, sipping coffee and reading bilby may not mix.
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YEP!!
 
Daddy Shark: Son today I'm gonna teach you how to eat a Surfer.

Son: OK pop

So they see a surfer and dad say now watch close, and dad circles real wide, and again a little closer, and then real close then he jumps up and eats the surfer.

Daddy: Do you got it.

Son: Yup

Daddy: Any questions

Son: Yeah why not just swim up and eat him right away.

Daddy: Well son they just taste better once you scare the shit out of them.
 
This shepherd has a talking sheepdog, Charlie. One night, sitting in his yard, he calls the dog over.
"Charlie, go down to the bottom field and round up the sheep, will you? Herd them into the pen next to the field."
Charlie goes off and comes back ten minutes later.
"All done, boss," he says and curls up at the shepherd's feet.
"How many sheep in the pen?" asks the shepherd.
"Forty."
"Forty? But there were only 38 this morning!"
"Well, you told me to round them up ..."
 
C_Mucius_Scaevola said:
This shepherd has a talking sheepdog, Charlie. One night, sitting in his yard, he calls the dog over.
"Charlie, go down to the bottom field and round up the sheep, will you? Herd them into the pen next to the field."
Charlie goes off and comes back ten minutes later.
"All done, boss," he says and curls up at the shepherd's feet.
"How many sheep in the pen?" asks the shepherd.
"Forty."
"Forty? But there were only 38 this morning!"
"Well, you told me to round them up ..."
Click to expand...
A kelpie (Australian sheep dog) would round them down and keep the difference for a feast.
 
Tigers! said:
C_Mucius_Scaevola said:
This shepherd has a talking sheepdog, Charlie. One night, sitting in his yard, he calls the dog over.
"Charlie, go down to the bottom field and round up the sheep, will you? Herd them into the pen next to the field."
Charlie goes off and comes back ten minutes later.
"All done, boss," he says and curls up at the shepherd's feet.
"How many sheep in the pen?" asks the shepherd.
"Forty."
"Forty? But there were only 38 this morning!"
"Well, you told me to round them up ..."
Click to expand...
A kelpie (Australian sheep dog) would round them down and keep the difference for a feast.
Click to expand...

LOL.. yep..
 
So this ventriloquist takes a vacation out west. Walking up the steps to the front porch of the main house at the dude ranch he spots an old fellow sitting on the porch. A dog is laying near his feet and a horse is tied nearby. He decided to have a little fun.

"Is that your dog?" he asks.

"Yep."

"You mind if I talk with your dog?"

"City folk..." mutters the old fellow. "You can't talk with dogs."

The ventriloquist asks the dog, "Do you like being his dog? Does he treat you well?"

The dog replies, "Yes he does. He feeds me and sometimes we go hunting together. That's my favorite!"

The ventriloquist, trying to hide his mirth asks, "Is that your horse? Mind if I talk to him?"

Once again the old man protests, "You can't talk to horses!"

But before the old fellow completes his sentence the ventriloquist asks the horse, "Does he treat you well?"

The horse replies "Yes, thanks for asking! He brushes me and takes me for long rides where I get plenty of exercise. He pastures me where the grass is greenest!"

The ventriloquist turns to hide his big grin and notices a fenced pasture filled with sheep across the way. "Are those your sheep?"

The old man starts stuttering. "Th ... them sheep ... they ain't nothing but a bunch of liars!"
 
>
>
> Subject:The Post Office Story
>
> There was a man
> who worked for the Post Office whose job was
> to process all the mail that had illegible
> addresses.
>
> One day, a letter came
> addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no other markings, but a return
> address.
>
> He thought he should open it to
> see what it was about.
>
> The letter read:
>
> Dear God,
>
> I am
> an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
>
> Yesterday
> someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I
> had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
> invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
> nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only
> hope. Can you please help me?
>
> Sincerely,
> Edna.
>
> The postal worker was
> touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one
> dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the
> rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
> envelope and sent to the woman.
>
> The rest of the day, all the
> workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able
> to share with her friends.
>
> Christmas came and
> went.
> A few days later, another letter
> came from the same old lady to God.
>
> All the workers gathered
> around while the letter was opened.
>
>
> It read:
>
> Dear
> God,
> How can I ever thank you enough
> for what you did for me?
>
> Because of your gift of love, I was
> able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day
> and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
>
> By the way, there
> was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards
> at the post office.
>
> Sincerely, Edna
 
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'

'This is the Canada Revenue Agency, the tax department. Can you help us?'
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'



Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.


Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '


Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
 
A husband went to the police station to report his wife missing:

Husband: I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Don’t know exactly.

Sergeant: Build? Husband: Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband : Sometimes blonde, sometimes brunette. Changes every season.

Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Dress/ suit/ jeans, I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: Did she go in a car? Husband: Yes.

Sergeant: What kind of car was it?

Husband: It’s a sapphire black Audi A8 S line with a super charged 3.0 litre engine generating 333horse power with an eight-speed tip-tronic automatic transmission with an optional sports manual mode. 19” alloy spoke wheels with Pirelli P7 soft compound tyres. It has full LED headlights and Xenon spotlights, a carbon fibre interior trim with cream soft ruffled leather seats , sat-nav, Bose stereo with 16 speakers, full Bluetooth, TV, slight kerbing to the N/S/F wheel and has a hairline scratch on the front left door……..at this point the husband started crying……..

Sergeant: Don’t worry sir….we will find your car….
 
angelo said:
An Irish man, an American and a Kiwi go into a bar. The bar man looks up and exclaimed "what is this, s joke?
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Jew, a Muslim, a Zoroastrian, a Pakistani, a Russian, an Indian, an Australian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Burmese, a Vietnamese and a Laotian walk into a bar. "Get out!" shouts the barman. "You can't come in here without a Thai!"
 
... so due to an obvious misunderstanding of what the barman said they all went back out to the parking lot where they rummaged through their VW beetle looking for a tie. They couldn't find one but they did discover a pair of jumper cables. After a brief discussion the Scotsman tied the jumper cables around his neck in a proper double windsor and they all started back inside. The bartender saw what they had done and said,

"Alright, you guys can come on in ... but don't start anything."
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must Confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Fancy dress Party.'
 
Atheos said:
... so due to an obvious misunderstanding of what the barman said they all went back out to the parking lot where they rummaged through their VW beetle looking for a tie. They couldn't find one but they did discover a pair of jumper cables. After a brief discussion the Scotsman tied the jumper cables around his neck in a proper double windsor and they all started back inside. The bartender saw what they had done and said,

"Alright, you guys can come on in ... but don't start anything."
Click to expand...
"Hey, as long as you don't overcharge us."
 
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in.

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

“Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!”

The wife, startled at her husband’s violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!”

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband’s mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

“WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They’re going to stick! HURRY!”

The wife runs to the Fridge -

“CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don’t you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!”

At this point, the wife stops cooking since she has no idea what to do.

She shouts, “What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs”!

The husband simply smiles and replies, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I’m driving with you in the car,” and leaves.
 
A man comes down the stairs and into the kitchen, ready for breakfast.

His wife drops 2 eggs into the water and says "Make love to me! Now! Right here on the kitchen table!"

Surprised, he obliges, but can't refrain from asking what the unwonted lust is all about.

"The egg timer's broken."
 
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