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You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you.....

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I hate mosquito’s!

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James Brown said:
During the American Civil War, Lieutenant Holmes was placed in charge of a fort on the Western frontier. Every day precisely at noon, the fort's Sergeant-at-Arms would have a cannon fired, and the echo boomed across the valley.

Lieutenant Holmes, before the war, was an astronomer by trade, and naturally astronomers are very interested in the measure of time. He asked the Sergeant-at-Arms, "How do you know when it's noon in order to sound the cannon?"

"Easy, sir," said the Sergeant. "Once a week, when the men go down into town for liberty, I pass by a clockmaker's shop. Outside his front door he has a large clock showing the current time, and I set my pocket watch to match."

Lieutenant Holmes thought that was reasonable, but on further thought he decided that only moves the problem one step back. The next chance he had, he went down into town himself, and following the Sergeant's directions, he found the clockmaker's shop. Sure enough, there was a large clock hanging above the front door.

Stepping inside, the Lieutenant introduced himself to the shopkeeper. "That's an impressive clock you have hanging out front," Holmes said. "But I'm curious...how do you know what time to set it?"

"Oh, that's no problem," the clockmaker said...


"Every day at noon the fort on the hill shoots off a cannon, and I set my clock to match it."

Click to expand...

reminds me of this one:

[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9IYTxEzXPs[/YOUTUBE]
 
Well, it is xmas and all that malarky, so here's one for the season......................A woman had never seen Santa Claus before, but on Christmas Eve night she heard someone come down her chimney so she went downstairs to check it out. ''Oh, it's Santa Claus," she said, "Please stay and chat this is the first time I have met you." Santa replied, "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" The lady took off her robe, but Santa said, "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" The lady slipped off her nightgown and Santa told her, "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" Then the lady removed her panties, and Santa said, ''Hey hey hey, I need to stay. I need to stay, 'cause I can't get up the chimney in the state I'm in anyway!
 
WHAT TO GET MOTHER FOR CHRISTMAS!!??
Ho!Ho!Ho!-Another Chrismas Cracker!!
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a BMW with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in an Irish monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: " "Seamus,” she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Sean," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the BMW. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donal," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."
 
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..
'
'And here I am.'





A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
 
Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's."
 
Was in the bank earlier when my local vet walked in, exhausted after a long day at work, he started to fill out a deposit slip, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a thermometer.........He absent-mindedly tried to use the thermometer to fill out the deposit slip, but he soon realized that the thermometer isn't writing.............He let out a long sigh and said, "Great, some arsehole has my pen."
 
A rabbi, a catholic priest and a hindu monk walk into a bar. The barman looks up somewhat startled and says : what is this, a joke?
 
skirt.png
 
Paddy was a youthful and hardworking Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland.
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home, so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.
They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' said.........................................
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OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!
 
It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
 
How to get to Heaven from Scotland


I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be f*kin' dead"
 
For Christmas I bought my son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, myself an iPHONE and my wife an iRON.

She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK and iCLEAN network.

This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function.
 
A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."
 
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said, "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out...." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered..

"Well .... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....



...tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
 
gmbteach said:
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said, "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out...." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered..

"Well .... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....



...tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
Click to expand...
:hysterical:

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Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewellery store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to “Adventure World” theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f?@*#*!g retard!!!!'
 
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quick bout of love making with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

There's a car being towed from the parking lot, he shouted.

An ambulance just drove by!

Looks like the Anderson's have company, he called out.

Matt's riding a new bike!

Looks like the Sanders are moving!

Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, The Coopers are having a root!!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
How do you know that?

Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar!!!



Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says "I'll have a glass of H2O"

The second scientist says "I'll have a glass of water too. Why did you say H2O? Like, I know it's the chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside work."

The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his fiendish plan has failed.




I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.




My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.




The judge says I'm a repeat offender... but he always says that.




A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone Who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cores has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
 
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that .... so, what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again."
 
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