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bilby
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On the contrary, if you read the bible backwards, God brings a huge number of people to life; they then regress to infancy and crawl into their mothers, until only one woman and one man are left alive, at which point they are stripped of their knowledge by spitting out some fruit, God talks the people, animals, plants, and landmasses out of existence, until "the earth [becomes] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." And having destroyed everything, God annihilates the heavens and the earth.
You seen to ignore the philosophical implications of the wisecrack
Keith&Co.
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So, the church had a job opening for a bell ringer.
No one applied for quite a while. Suddenly, a man appears in the Bishop's office, wanting the job. But he had no arms. The bishop felt that he was unable to fill the position.
"No, no, i can!" he insisted, and ran from the office. With the Bishop a lap behind, he ran to and climbed the belfry. THen he started striking the bell with his forehead.
Slowly but surely, the bell started swinging, gently ringing.
"Bang,Bang,Bang," went the cripple's head.
"ting, Tang, TONG" went the bell.
"bleed, bleed, bleed" went the man's forehead.
"Stop!" shouted the bishop. The man stopped, turned to the bishop, and was struck by the bell on the backstroke. He flew from the steeple and was dashed to death in the plaza below.
The bishop ran down, out into the street, and started to offer last rites. Then he realized he never knew the man's name. "Does anyone know who this is?"
"Not really," answered a man in the crowd. "But his face rings a bell....."
Two weeks later, someone else shows up. An armless man asking for a chance to take over his brother's job. The bishop tries to explain that he never actually HAD the job, because he couldn't really do it....
"Well, I can!" the new man insisted, and ran from the office. With the Bishop a lap behind, he ran to and climbed the belfry. Then he started striking the bell with his forehead. Slowly but surely, the bell started swinging, gently ringing.
"Bang,Bang,Bang," went the cripple's head.
"ting, Tang, TONG" went the bell.
"bleed, bleed, bleed" went the man's forehead.
"Stop! STOP!" shouted the bishop.
The 2nd man stopped, turned, and was struck by the bell on the backstroke. He flew from the steeple and was dashed to death in the plaza below.
The bishop ran down, out into the street, and started to offer last rites. Then he realized he never knew this man's name, either. "Does anyone know who this is?"
"Not really," answered a man in the crowd. "But he's a dead ringer for his brother...."
A month after the second tragedy, yet another armless man appears in the Bishop's office, wanting the job. Once again, there is denial, an assertion, a race to the belfry, but this time the guy doesn't hit the bell with his head. Rather, he sits in one of the openings, braces himself by biting on the stone frame of the window, and pushes the bell with his legs.
"ting, Tang" went the bell.
And the bishop allowed that just maybe this man could do it.
"Really?!" the man asked, letting go with his teeth just as the bell struck a third time, reflexively catching the three-quarter ton bell with his legs.
The man was propelled out of the steeple, but in a new direction. Rather than hitting the plaza, he shot out over the church, slid down the roof, and landed in the small picturesque mountain lake beside the building. He sank quickly.
The bishop made it to the scene just as some townsfolk dragged his body to the shore. He looked around without asking a question, this time, but it was no use.
"I guess it was to be expected," one townsman said. He nodded to the belfry and pointed to the little lake. "After all, third chime's the tarn."
No one applied for quite a while. Suddenly, a man appears in the Bishop's office, wanting the job. But he had no arms. The bishop felt that he was unable to fill the position.
"No, no, i can!" he insisted, and ran from the office. With the Bishop a lap behind, he ran to and climbed the belfry. THen he started striking the bell with his forehead.
Slowly but surely, the bell started swinging, gently ringing.
"Bang,Bang,Bang," went the cripple's head.
"ting, Tang, TONG" went the bell.
"bleed, bleed, bleed" went the man's forehead.
"Stop!" shouted the bishop. The man stopped, turned to the bishop, and was struck by the bell on the backstroke. He flew from the steeple and was dashed to death in the plaza below.
The bishop ran down, out into the street, and started to offer last rites. Then he realized he never knew the man's name. "Does anyone know who this is?"
"Not really," answered a man in the crowd. "But his face rings a bell....."
Two weeks later, someone else shows up. An armless man asking for a chance to take over his brother's job. The bishop tries to explain that he never actually HAD the job, because he couldn't really do it....
"Well, I can!" the new man insisted, and ran from the office. With the Bishop a lap behind, he ran to and climbed the belfry. Then he started striking the bell with his forehead. Slowly but surely, the bell started swinging, gently ringing.
"Bang,Bang,Bang," went the cripple's head.
"ting, Tang, TONG" went the bell.
"bleed, bleed, bleed" went the man's forehead.
"Stop! STOP!" shouted the bishop.
The 2nd man stopped, turned, and was struck by the bell on the backstroke. He flew from the steeple and was dashed to death in the plaza below.
The bishop ran down, out into the street, and started to offer last rites. Then he realized he never knew this man's name, either. "Does anyone know who this is?"
"Not really," answered a man in the crowd. "But he's a dead ringer for his brother...."
A month after the second tragedy, yet another armless man appears in the Bishop's office, wanting the job. Once again, there is denial, an assertion, a race to the belfry, but this time the guy doesn't hit the bell with his head. Rather, he sits in one of the openings, braces himself by biting on the stone frame of the window, and pushes the bell with his legs.
"ting, Tang" went the bell.
And the bishop allowed that just maybe this man could do it.
"Really?!" the man asked, letting go with his teeth just as the bell struck a third time, reflexively catching the three-quarter ton bell with his legs.
The man was propelled out of the steeple, but in a new direction. Rather than hitting the plaza, he shot out over the church, slid down the roof, and landed in the small picturesque mountain lake beside the building. He sank quickly.
The bishop made it to the scene just as some townsfolk dragged his body to the shore. He looked around without asking a question, this time, but it was no use.
"I guess it was to be expected," one townsman said. He nodded to the belfry and pointed to the little lake. "After all, third chime's the tarn."
Keith&Co.
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Pastor Greene spent the better part of his life trying to build a replica of Noah's Ark. Due to the scale of the project, and a chronic lack of funds, the project was not complete by the time he died.
The day after his funeral, the staff was in the office wondering what would become of the project, the bills, their jobs.
Just then a limo with NYC plates pulled up to the office. A large, energetic man bounced out. "I an J.T. Finster, New York Entrepeneur. I have heard about your situation," he said, "and I want to help you to make the new Ark." He pulled a wad of cash out of his jacket and plunked it down on the nearest desk.
The staff were stunned at the man's arrival. The receptionist slowly lifted the wad of money and replied, "We were just wondering if we could do it, now. I guess God has sent us a sign."
"Ah, but there's a catch," Finster said. "I want not just the three decks described in the Bible. I want 20 decks one on top of the other."
"20 DECKS!" cried the staff engineer. His coworkers restrained his outburst and pointed out the cash waiting to help them finish their ministry. "Well, okay J.T., whatever you say. You want the extra decks set up as animal stables?"
"Well, no. I want you to fill the ark up with fish."
"Fish?" queried the gift shop manager.
"Yes, fish . . . well, to make it more specific, I want carp. Carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
They looked at J.T., they looked at each other. Finally one man stepped forward. "OK, sir, let me get this right, you want to help build a New Ark?"
"Yes."
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Yes."
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Yes."
"But why?" asked a very perplexed staff.
"People, people, people!" says J.T. Finster, "Every New Yorker knows you can never go wrong with a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."
The day after his funeral, the staff was in the office wondering what would become of the project, the bills, their jobs.
Just then a limo with NYC plates pulled up to the office. A large, energetic man bounced out. "I an J.T. Finster, New York Entrepeneur. I have heard about your situation," he said, "and I want to help you to make the new Ark." He pulled a wad of cash out of his jacket and plunked it down on the nearest desk.
The staff were stunned at the man's arrival. The receptionist slowly lifted the wad of money and replied, "We were just wondering if we could do it, now. I guess God has sent us a sign."
"Ah, but there's a catch," Finster said. "I want not just the three decks described in the Bible. I want 20 decks one on top of the other."
"20 DECKS!" cried the staff engineer. His coworkers restrained his outburst and pointed out the cash waiting to help them finish their ministry. "Well, okay J.T., whatever you say. You want the extra decks set up as animal stables?"
"Well, no. I want you to fill the ark up with fish."
"Fish?" queried the gift shop manager.
"Yes, fish . . . well, to make it more specific, I want carp. Carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
They looked at J.T., they looked at each other. Finally one man stepped forward. "OK, sir, let me get this right, you want to help build a New Ark?"
"Yes."
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Yes."
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Yes."
"But why?" asked a very perplexed staff.
"People, people, people!" says J.T. Finster, "Every New Yorker knows you can never go wrong with a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."
4321lynx
Veteran Member
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Positano, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
Last edited:
spikepipsqueak
My Brane Hertz
Red Alert! RED ALERT!
gmbteach
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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions.
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".
Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions.
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".
Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
gmbteach
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
gmbteach
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A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"! The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand. Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it's back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.........
" SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"! The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand. Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it's back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.........
" SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!
Atheos
Veteran Member
The upside-down airplane story reminded me of this oldie but goodie:
A ship full of hardy sailing men was on guard as they were passing through areas known to be frequented by pirates.
Sure enough the watchman in the crow's nest yelled down, "Captain, I see a pirate ship and it's sure to be on us in about 20 minutes!"
The captain looked to his cabin boy and ordered, "Bring forth my red shirt!"
The cabin boy hurried back with the captain's red shirt, which the captain quickly donned. When the pirates started attempting to board the captain bravely led his men into battle and they were victorious! Defeated, the pirate ship retreated off into the distance.
That evening as they were having ale and celebrating their victory a crewman asked the captain, "Sir, why is it that you asked for your red shirt before the battle today?"
The captain replied, "I knew the battle would be fierce and it was likely that I would be injured fighting. But with my red shirt my men would not be able to tell I had been injured and would continue fighting bravely."
The crew all looked at each other, nodding in agreement that their captain was truly wise.
The next day the watchman in the crow's nest yelled down, "Captain! I see TEN pirate ships and they're sure to be on us quickly!"
The men all looked to their captain again. Looking to his cabin boy he said, "Bring forth my brown pants!"
A ship full of hardy sailing men was on guard as they were passing through areas known to be frequented by pirates.
Sure enough the watchman in the crow's nest yelled down, "Captain, I see a pirate ship and it's sure to be on us in about 20 minutes!"
The captain looked to his cabin boy and ordered, "Bring forth my red shirt!"
The cabin boy hurried back with the captain's red shirt, which the captain quickly donned. When the pirates started attempting to board the captain bravely led his men into battle and they were victorious! Defeated, the pirate ship retreated off into the distance.
That evening as they were having ale and celebrating their victory a crewman asked the captain, "Sir, why is it that you asked for your red shirt before the battle today?"
The captain replied, "I knew the battle would be fierce and it was likely that I would be injured fighting. But with my red shirt my men would not be able to tell I had been injured and would continue fighting bravely."
The crew all looked at each other, nodding in agreement that their captain was truly wise.
The next day the watchman in the crow's nest yelled down, "Captain! I see TEN pirate ships and they're sure to be on us quickly!"
The men all looked to their captain again. Looking to his cabin boy he said, "Bring forth my brown pants!"
spikepipsqueak
My Brane Hertz
Yes. I heard that as "Lad, fetch my brown corduroys!."
The oldies are still the best.
The oldies are still the best.
4321lynx
Veteran Member
Maybe fifty or more years ago I heard it as "Why Napoleon always wore a red shirt in battle and I wear brown trousers."
spikepipsqueak
My Brane Hertz
A man walking into a hospital notices a prominent surgeon and his surgical resident down on their hands and knees digging in one of the flower beds. He goes over to them and asks, “Can I help? Did you lose something?”
“No,” says one of the surgeons, “We’re about to do a heart transplant on a individual health insurance executive and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”
You occupy space and have mass. You know what that means? You matter.
“No,” says one of the surgeons, “We’re about to do a heart transplant on a individual health insurance executive and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”
You occupy space and have mass. You know what that means? You matter.
angelo
Deleted
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"
A boy comes home after school and asks his father to help understand the difference between theory and reality.
The dad says go ask your mother is she will sleep with a total stranger for $1,000,000.00. He goes and comes right back with the answer, "you bet!". The father then instructs his son to ask the same question of his older sister. He is back in flash ad reports she said said "totally".
There you have it the father explains. Theoretically, we're sitting on 2 million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of hookers....
The dad says go ask your mother is she will sleep with a total stranger for $1,000,000.00. He goes and comes right back with the answer, "you bet!". The father then instructs his son to ask the same question of his older sister. He is back in flash ad reports she said said "totally".
There you have it the father explains. Theoretically, we're sitting on 2 million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of hookers....
gmbteach
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Electile Dysfunction: the discrepancy between what politicians promise and what we actually get.
Tigers!
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