Joke gallery

[ZiprHead]

Iiii'm 'enery the eighth, I am. 'enery the eighth, I am, I am.
















You're welcome.

 

[ideologyhunter]

They're coming to take you away.

 

[Tigers!]

During the pandemic I have amused myself by ringing up hotels.
If they answer "Best Western" i say "True Grit with John Wayne" and hang up.

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

During the pandemic I have amused myself by ringing up hotels.
If they answer "Best Western" i say "True Grit with John Wayne" and hang up.

WTH??? “The Searchers”, also starring The Duke!

 

[ideologyhunter]

Brokeback Mountain Roundup with John Wayne, Rock Hudson, Jim Nabors,and Montgomery Clift

 

[skepticalbip]

Treasure of the Sierra Madre... a great old Western even if it didn't have the immortal line, "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges."

 

[Loren Pechtel]

As the 1960s were ticking down NASA was having a very hard time with the delta-v budget of going to the moon. Getting there wasn't a problem, having enough fuel to get home was a very big problem. This was eventually solved by the lunar rendezvous approach that was actually used (not taking the return fuel and supplies down to the surface) but before they settled on that they were considering another approach to Kennedy's challenge: Rocket #1 carries 5 years of supplies. If it lands safely rocket #2 lands next to it with a crew of one. There is no return stage. If they haven't solved the return problem in 5 years they have already shown they can send up another 5 years of supplies. Send another supply rocket, 5 more years to solve the problem.

If NASA had gone with this option would it have been a maroon shot rather than a moon shot??

 

[none]

As the 1960s were ticking down NASA was having a very hard time with the delta-v budget of going to the moon. Getting there wasn't a problem, having enough fuel to get home was a very big problem. This was eventually solved by the lunar rendezvous approach that was actually used (not taking the return fuel and supplies down to the surface) but before they settled on that they were considering another approach to Kennedy's challenge: Rocket #1 carries 5 years of supplies. If it lands safely rocket #2 lands next to it with a crew of one. There is no return stage. If they haven't solved the return problem in 5 years they have already shown they can send up another 5 years of supplies. Send another supply rocket, 5 more years to solve the problem.

If NASA had gone with this option would it have been a maroon shot rather than a moon shot??

It would have been a step in the right direction.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Less a joke and more situational humor.

The world's toughest dare:

Person A: Well yeah... I dare you to update your firmware.

*group gasps*

Person B: But... but... my electronic device works perfectly fine.

Person A: What are you, a pussy?

Person B: *sweats*

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Less a joke and more situational humor.

The world's toughest dare:

Person A: Well yeah... I dare you to update your firmware.

*group gasps*

Person B: But... but... my electronic device works perfectly fine.

Person A: What are you, a pussy?

Person B: *sweats*

What sort of pervert do you think I am?? I don't flash!

 

[Tigers!]

There is one person who can handle this frozen food.
We will leave it to Thor.

 

[SLD]

 

[TV and credit cards]

This inflation. Boy I’ll tell ya. Have you seen the price of onions? It’s enough to make you cry.

 

[TV and credit cards]

And I heard Fiddy Cent had a kid. Named him Buck Fiddy.

 

[Tigers!]

Last Friday Melbourne, Australia ended our 6th strict lock down with some relaxation of restrictions. Since March 2020 we have had 263 days in lockdown. What a record to have.

One of our jokes
Q: What day is the hardest of a 7 day strict lockdown?

(Where does the hide button live now?)

A: Day 55

 

[TV and credit cards]

Inline spoiler

 

[SLD]

 

[SLD]

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have hiccups?"

 

[hyzer]

I brought a new GPS. The first trip with it was to a cemetery I'd never been to before.
It directed me fine but i was concerned it when announced upon arrival "You have reached your final destination"

At least it didn't say "proceed to the route . . . "

 

[Tigers!]

Q: Which melon cannot marry?

A: Cantaloupe

 

[TV and credit cards]

Q: What did the florist say when she finally got all the water out of her shop?

A: Hydrangea.

 

[Tigers!]

I brought a new Seniors GPS.
Not only does it tell me where I am going but also why I am going there.

 

[Tigers!]

My wife makes sausages out of sausages.

She calls it the 'Wurst of the Wurst'

 

[Tigers!]

A 320kg Argentine cow is a viral hit after being filming stumbling down a waterslide at a park 800kms west of Rio De Janeiro. It was reported that the beast was destined for the slaughterhouse before climbing to the top of the slide and going down.

Media outlets are milking this story for all it is worth.

 

[Tigers!]

A 'Making your Marriage Better' was held in Australia.
The speaker noted that most Aust. husbands do not know their wife's favourite flower.
One man leaned across to his wife and said "That's not true. I know yours .Yours is the self raising flour".

 

[Tigers!]

I have just been diagnosed as colour-blind.
That came right out of the purple.

 

[Tigers!]

I do hope they come up with a cure for Covid. At my age I do not want to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

I do hope they come up with a cure for Covid. At my age I do not want to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

Why not? It will come in handy for hurricane season.

 

[Bomb#20]

 

[SLD]

 

[James Brown]

The typos would keep me from clicking the link.

 

[James Brown]

I was in my back yard yesterday trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail!"

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her,

Spoiler

"Make up your mind! Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"

 

[James Brown]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and solve world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'....

Spoiler

...and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

 

[ZiprHead]

What's the cheapest meat?

Deer balls.

Cuz they're under a buck.

 

[SLD]

 

[SLD]

 

[Tigers!]

My wife wanted peace and quiet when making dinner.
I removed the battery from the smoke alarm.

 

[Tigers!]

I do not like those big fluffy hotel towels.
I can't close my suitcase with them in it.

 

[Tigers!]

If Novak Djokovic gets the Covid jab does that mean he is Gotvax Djokovic?

 

[Tigers!]

The local police had one of their cars jacked up and the wheels removed.
They are working tyrelessly on the case.

 

[Tigers!]

Which of these is not a hydrocarbon?

Spoiler

1. Benzene
2. Ethylene
3. Come on Eileen

 

[Eldarion Lathria]

What do you call a small dog who favors censorship?

A chiwowser.

Eldarion Lathria

 

[Tigers!]

I went to the store and asked if I could borrow a copy of Batman Forever.
The assistant said "No. You return it next week just like everybody else".

 

[C_Mucius_Scaevola]

What do you call a small dog who favors censorship?

A chiwowser.

Eldarion Lathria

Hmm. I'd have thought a bow-wowdleriser. But what do I know?

 

[Tigers!]

My housemates think our house is haunted. I've been here 182 years and haven't noticed a thing.

 

[Keith&Co.]

The kidnapper pushes me through the doorway. I'm in a 10x10 windowless room. There's a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, a cot, a toilet, and a sink.
"You'll be kept here," he mocks. "Meals will be provided at random intervals. No one will interact with you."
I perk up for the first time since they grabbed me. "No schedule? No deadlines? No interruptions? And i can sleep as much as i want?"
The kidnapper looks confused, and starting to get a little angry.
"I mean, oh noooooooo," i protest.

 

[C_Mucius_Scaevola]

 

[SLD]

 

[Tigers!]

If an elevator company is found to be corrupt does it go all the way to the top?