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Joke gallery

It’s the first day of mortician school. The class files into the lab. There’s a mortician standing beside a prep table, a dead body naked on the table.

“Okay,” he starts, “there are four very important things you need to know to become morticians. First of all, you cannot allow ANYTHING to be too grotesque for you.” At that, he sticks a finger in the corpse’s anus and licks the finger. He commands all the students to do this, too. They blanch, they flinch, but they all perform.

“Second thing,” he says, “you need to pay attention to detail. For example, I stuck my middle finger into the body, but I licked my ring finger.” All the students pale, a couple throw up. More look like they want to.

“Third,” he says, picking up his briefcase, “I don’t work here.” He turns to go to the door.

The corpse sits up on the table. “And fourth, I’m not dead.”
 
In a dark and hazy room, peering intently into a crystal ball, the Gypsy Mystic delivered extremely grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken and with tears starting to appear in the corners of her eyes, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She brushed away the tears, took a few deep breaths to compose herself, and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And that's how the fight started
 
If my dog could talk...


Dog: WAT DOING

Me: Nothing. I just stood up.

Dog: WHERE GO

Me: I'm literally walking 3 feet away. I'm not even leaving the room.

Dog: CAN I COME

Me: I mean sure but I'M LITERALLY JUST-

Dog: I COME TOO

Dog: WAT DOING

Me: I need to open this door.

Dog: I HALP

Me: No but you're in front of the door. Move please

Dog: I HALP

Me: Sigh.

Dog: WHERE GOING

Me: I am going right back to the exact place I was sitting a second age.

Dog: CAN I COME

Me: Sure.
 
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........
..........................................................................................
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.
 
"You're not even listening to me, are you," my wife complained.

"Well, that's a funny way to start a conversation," I replied.
 
An older couple were having a minor disagreement about how much she had spent at Victoria's Secret. She said, "Well, just wait until you see what I got there today!"

She disappeared into the bedroom for a moment, then emerged completely naked.

He looked her over and said, "Well you'd think for that kind of money they could have at least ironed it first."

And that's when the fight started.
 
A senior citizen from Port Huron, MI drove his brand new Corvette stingray convertible out of the dealership. Taking the on ramp west on I 94, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I 94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him, lights flashing and sirens blaring. He floored it to 100 MPH, then 120, then 150. Suddenly, he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the troopers arrival. Pulling up behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is my Friday. If you can give me a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “years ago my wife ran off with a MI State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day Sir,” replied the trooper.
 
At the grocery store, I asked my wife if I could buy a 28$ pack of beers. She says no, and then proceeds to buy a $50 face cream.

I told her my beer would help making her look pretty more than her cream would

That's when the fight started.
 
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Why not? Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

As told by.................

Emo Phillips.
 
Here's a good way to tell the difference between a man and a woman.

Imagine the difference the following phrase means, when said by a man or a woman...


What an ass!

 
James Brown said:
Here's a good way to tell the difference between a man and a woman.
Click to expand...
No, no, no.

The way to tell the difference between men and women, there's this company that drags abandoned and wrecked cars out into a field, then flies you over the field in a small plane. You drop bowling balls out of the plane to hit the cars.
If your first thought was, "Who in the HELL would pay money to travel there and then do that?" you're probably a woman.
If your first thought was, "How would you score that?" you're probably a man.
 
Keith&Co. said:
James Brown said:
Here's a good way to tell the difference between a man and a woman.
Click to expand...
No, no, no.

The way to tell the difference between men and women, there's this company that drags abandoned and wrecked cars out into a field, then flies you over the field in a small plane. You drop bowling balls out of the plane to hit the cars.
If your first thought was, "Who in the HELL would pay money to travel there and then do that?" you're probably a woman.
If your first thought was, "How would you score that?" you're probably a man.
Click to expand...

I'd totally pay to do that.
 
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