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Joke gallery

Two old-style formula jokes that were new to me:

A new priest begins his first confession with a nervous housewife. She says, "Father, okay. Last night my husband, well, he went up my backside, and I know it's a sin if it can't lead to procreation." The priest says, "Stay with me on this. I'll just be a minute." He exits his side of the confesssional and says to an altar boy, "What did Father Pat used to give for sodomy?" The altar boy says, "A Snickers and a forty of Colt 45."

Staying with Catholicism: three nuns troop into a liquor store and request a fifth of Scotch. The owner says, "I really don't feel right, selling liquor to the sisters." The first nun says, "This is medicinal, sir. Mother Superior has the constipation this evening." The owner says, "All right, then," and sells them the Scotch. He finishes up the night, locks the door, walks down the street, and sees the three sisters sitting on the curb, laughing, singing, totally trashed. He says, "And your story to me was, Mother Superior had constipation!" The first nun says, "That's right. And she's going to shit when she sees us!"
 
h/t Jack Benny

Two drunks are talking. The first says, "I got a poodle for my wife." After a long thoughtful pause the second says, "I wish I could get a trade like that!"
 
I went to pick up dinner and saw a homeless lady slip on the ice and fall.

I mean, i assume she was homeless, she only had three dollars on her, all in coins.
 
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