Joke gallery

[C_Mucius_Scaevola]

A teenager gets on a bus, pays his fare and sits down near the back. A couple of minutes into the ride, he feels a tap on his shoulder and turns round to see a little old lady holding out a handful of peanuts.

"Would you like some peanuts, young man?"

"Sure, why not?" He takes the peanuts, thanks her and turns around again.

A couple of minutes later, after he's eaten them, he feels another tap on the shoulder, and turns round to see the little old lady with another handful of peanuts.

"Would you like some more?"

"Well, okay," he says, not wishing to be rude, takes the peanuts and turns back round.

No sooner has he finished them, when there's another tap on the shoulder. He turns round and, sure enough, there's another handful of peanuts.

"Ma'm," he says, "I don't want to be rude, but ... well, how come you keep offering me your peanuts?"

"Oh, well, sonny," she grins. "I only like the chocolate coating."

 

[spikepipsqueak]

Jesus walks into a hotel reception desk and throwing a handful of nails on the dest asks : " do you have a room I can hang out for the night?"

I heard that as

"Can you put me up for the night?"

 

[Kusa]

A teenager gets on a bus, pays his fare and sits down near the back. A couple of minutes into the ride, he feels a tap on his shoulder and turns round to see a little old lady holding out a handful of peanuts.

"Would you like some peanuts, young man?"

"Sure, why not?" He takes the peanuts, thanks her and turns around again.

A couple of minutes later, after he's eaten them, he feels another tap on the shoulder, and turns round to see the little old lady with another handful of peanuts.

"Would you like some more?"

"Well, okay," he says, not wishing to be rude, takes the peanuts and turns back round.

No sooner has he finished them, when there's another tap on the shoulder. He turns round and, sure enough, there's another handful of peanuts.

"Ma'm," he says, "I don't want to be rude, but ... well, how come you keep offering me your peanuts?"

"Oh, well, sonny," she grins. "I only like the chocolate coating."

I heard a variation of that years ago. It's still funny as hell.

 

[bilby]

I just remembered that time I overdosed on Viagra.

It was the hardest day of my life.

 

[angelo]

Jesus walks into a hotel reception desk and throwing a handful of nails on the dest asks : " do you have a room I can hang out for the night?"

I heard that as

"Can you put me up for the night?"

You're probably correct. My memory isn't, or has never been my strength.

 

[angelo]

A priest approached a small boy in the street and said: "Could you tell me where the post office is please?"
The boy gave him directions, and the priest said: "Thank you. If you come to my sermon tonight, I will tell you how to get to heaven."
"I don't​ think so," said the boy. " You don't even know how to get to the post office!"

 

[Rayschism]

Two idiots were hiking in the woods one day when they came across a pair of tracks.

One said they were bear tracks. The other said they were deer tracks.

So they got to arguing and two hours later they were run over by a train.

 

[ZiprHead]

Derec picks up a hooker and takes her back to his apartment.

He proceeds to start eating her out. He's having a good time until he come across a pea as he's licking. He continues licking and comes across a hunk of carrot.

After spitting it out, he looks up at the hooker and asks "What's the matter, are you sick or something?"

She says "No. But the guy before you was."

 

[Elixir]

My memory isn't, or has never been my strength.

It can't be that bad...

 

[Kusa]

Derec picks up a hooker and takes her back to his apartment.

He proceeds to start eating her out. He's having a good time until he come across a pea as he's licking. He continues licking and comes across a hunk of carrot.

After spitting it out, he looks up at the hooker and asks "What's the matter, are you sick or something?"

She says "No. But the guy before you was."

That makes me want to hurl.

 

[ZiprHead]

Derec picks up a hooker and takes her back to his apartment.

He proceeds to start eating her out. He's having a good time until he come across a pea as he's licking. He continues licking and comes across a hunk of carrot.

After spitting it out, he looks up at the hooker and asks "What's the matter, are you sick or something?"

She says "No. But the guy before you was."

That makes me want to hurl.

Mission accomplished!

I figured picturing Derec naked in bed would do it.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I figured picturing Derec naked in bed would do it.

Derec trying to chat up a girl is enough to do it...

 

[ZiprHead]

I figured picturing Derec naked in bed would do it.

Derec trying to chat up a girl is enough to do it...

How would that go?

" 'I Know in my heart you're an evil bitch but I think your hot.' I'll go stand over here."

 

[angelo]

Derec picks up a hooker and takes her back to his apartment.

He proceeds to start eating her out. He's having a good time until he come across a pea as he's licking. He continues licking and comes across a hunk of carrot.

After spitting it out, he looks up at the hooker and asks "What's the matter, are you sick or something?"

She says "No. But the guy before you was."

 

[angelo]

A naive young man finally plucked up the courage to visit a whorehouse. There a girl dragged him into a room and wasted no time in taking off her clothes.
Peering between her legs, the naive young man asked shyly.
" What's that?"
"It's my lower mouth," said the hooker.
"What do you mean, your lower mouth?"
"Well, it's like a mouth. It's got a beard, it's got lips...."
"Has it got a tongue in it?" Asked the young man.
The hooker pulled him towards her and said, " Not yet!"

 

[Veritass]

Two idiots were hiking in the woods one day when they came across a pair of tracks.

One said they were bear tracks. The other said they were deer tracks.

So they got to arguing and two hours later they were run over by a train.

Just before that, these same two hunters were lost, and one said, "I heard that we should shoot three times in the air as a signal."
They shot three times, and waited, and no help came.
They shot three more times, and waited, and no help came.
Then one said, "I hope help comes soon; we're almost out of arrows."

 

[Wiploc]

As long as we're on the topic, a Justin Wilson joke from the sixties:

Two cajuns walking in the woods. They'd been drinking, "Because we do that here."

They come to a train track, and start following it.

After awhile one complains, and suggests that they take another route. Not only is this the longest stairway he's ever seen, but the banister is so low that his back is killing him.

 

[Wiploc]

Another Justin Wilson Joke.

Two Cajuns get separated in the woods after drinking a lot. "Because we do that down here." One wanders into a graveyard and falls into an open grave. He can't get out, so he lies down. But then he can't sleep because he's cold.

So he begins to holler, "Help me, I'm cold. Help me, I'm cold. Help me, I'm cold."

The other hears this and is drawn to the sound. He stands at the lip of the grave, looking down as the guy inside yells, "Help me, I'm cold. Help me, I'm cold."

The guy standing by the grave hollers down at him, "Of course you're cold. You done kicked all your dirt off."

 

[Atheos]

Justin Wilson's Cajun friend in Atlantic City got lonely for N'awlins, so he wistfully went to the airport and asked a ticket lady, "What time do de next plane leave for New Orleans?" She said, "11:05."

"What time do it git dere?"

"11:07." But she don't say nothing about the time change. So the Cajun's thinking "It's a damn lie."

He goes to a different counter and asks the guy tending the same questions and gets the same responses.

He stood there with a blank expression for a moment, as if he was thinking about what to do next. "Would you like to buy a ticket sir?" asked the ticket clerk helpfully.

"Nah," the Cajun replied. "But I'm gonna hang around here and watch that sucker take off, I guarantee."

 

[bilby]

How many middle names does Obi Kenobi have?

Show

Only the Wan