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Movie alphabet

F

Nifty Shades of Grey 2 ('This Time It's Personal').

In this future-dystopian sci-fi revenge flick sequel, the global shortage of peroxide and ammonia continues to wreak its first world havoc, and now a sharp and disturbing rise in the power of Feminists and the Politically Correct has forced a reluctant Cosmeticom to exclusively market only the natural hair look for older citizens of West Earth Federation. Unscrupulous ganglords and disgruntled, patriarchal chemists go underground to corner the lucrative market in the now illegal traditional treatments by preying on the insecurities and vanities of mostly wealthy, ageing women, especially the over-120s, and the story follows Dully Partings, an intrepid undercover vigilante ex-cop, as she comes out of a very, very late retirement one last time in order to infiltrate the blond market and liquidate the gangs once and for all. The trap is set when, heavily disguised in a suitable Halloween witches' wig and with handcuffs at the ready, she lures the main gang leader (and abusive ex-husband) Larry 'The Tongs' L'Oreal, into a supposedly consensual BDSM encounter in a seedy robomotel in District 69. Alternative tagline: 'He sets he rules, but she's calling the shots'.
 
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Keith&Co. said:
E

Lock Up ----> Locke Up

Remake of Lock Up, about which Stallone once said, "(It was) Not a film that was produced and performed with enough maturity to really make a significant impact on the audience or my career. And that’s the truth.”

Plot: A model prisoner at a low-security prison, nearing the end of his sentence, is moved to a sadistic warden's maximum-security prison, because the prisoner once tattled on the warden's misdoings elsewhere.
In the remake, Stallone's character has spent his prison time among white supremacists in order to avoid trouble with the other gangs. Donald Sutherland 's warden forces actransfer to his prison to introduce Stallone to the works of John Locke, including the social contract and other ideas woven into the Declaration of Independence.
There are no gangs in the new prison, just schools of thought. Of course, philosophical debate still involve someone getting shanked in the shower, but at least it's honest debate.
Click to expand...

This reminded me of the philoso-porn classic 'Locke Up Your Daughters'.
 
H

Yours, Mine, and Hours

Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball star as single parents of multiple children, their wedding, and their attempts to survive a blended family of 13 kids.
Fonda, a Naval officer, gets most of his major work accomplishments done on smoke breaks.
Ball, a head nurse, does her best personnel management grabbing coffee between patients.
Both get their best parenting in during conversations with the kids while cooking, cleaning, yardwork.
The show's theme, "The hours add up,, don't waste 'em," is expressed by the youngest daughter, in line for the last working bathroom.
 
J

Jung/Mr. Lincoln

Henry Fonda plays Abe Lincoln in a surreal one-man-show.
Abe's ghost is trapped in Ford Theatre, his spirit having left his body wshen he was shot. But the body was moved before he died, so he's been haunting the Theatre, unable to move on.
The only other character in the show is Carl Jung.
His disembodied voice (also played be Fonda, but with an accent* and some serious reverb (to indicate communication between the worlds of the living and the not dead enough.)) tries to help Lincoln resolve his regrets and impotent plans.
In the end, it is revealed that Jung is a ghost as well, and can only move on by helping tragic assassinated leaders with their fates. As Lincoln starts to move 'toward the light,' he asks if Jung needs help. Jung says his next 'case' is Martin Luther King, Jr.

*Fonda was not confident with his Swiss voice**, and portrayed Jung speaking with a Spanish accent. This is not quite explained in the show. Abe does mention the reverb, and wonders "how I must sound to you?" Jung replies, "Wis uh Scottish burr, mi amigo."

**Three days into film preparation, he learned that his voice coach was a Naval Officer in WWII. Fonda was not pleased with his own naval experiences in the war, as an enlisted man, and refused to work with the 'wardroom Wally.' The studio insisted. Fonda resisted by rehearsing his lines with his good friend, Jimmy Stewart. Between the slow speech and the stammer, the movie would have lasted about four hours. "Well, four, I say, about four, four score, and, you know, seven year, years....years ago, our four, no, forefathers..."
 
N

Old bony

Speculative fiction assuming Bonaparte lived past 52 and returned to power It imagines the state of the modern world if he had been able to continue his legal and social reforms.
 
O

Big Herd 6 - A story about a pair of intelligent brothers who had lost their parents in a tragic bovine stampede. An older brother was an ambitious inventor with cows, trying to train a cow to be a nurse, while the other brother was interested in cow fights. Really, if it was a robot in Big Hero 6, it is a cow in Big Herd 6. This was one of those classless foreign movie ripoffs of a good concept. The only impressive thing is that this film is live action and the cow training was pretty impressive.
 
P

Little Big Pan

Originally a TV infomercial for the Copper Chef Titan Pan, it was converted to a full length feature in response to popular demand. Consisting of a 2½ hour interview with Billy Mays, it recounts his having been rescued, raised and taught to cook by the Cheyenne. In documentary fashion, the film details Mays' work as a snake-oil salesman, a gunslinger, mule skinner and also explores his claims to be the only white survivor of the infamous Battle of the Little Bighorn. As such, his claims regarding the toughness of the Copper Chef Titan carry considerable weight with the gullible American consumer market.
 
Q

The Ick and the Dead

Zombie movie. These are fast zombies, chasing people in horrifying speeds. Lucky for the band of protagonists, they also rot at high speed. Very high speed, more like a time-exposure film of any other zombie movies' progress.
Seems like every step they take, running up the road after the hero's Winnebago, something pops, leaks, dangles, or falls all the way off. The tension in this movie doesn't come from the horror of being chased by a muderous cheerleader, or from unrequited sex between characters. It's from knowing that for every attack, the clock is running.
You almost want to shout at the zombies, 'Stop running, you assholes! Pace yourselves, maybe you'll last TWO days!'
But, no, they're Undead On Red Bull, hyper-chase turbos engaged, bursting like a hazardous waste balloon over the heroes' face at THE last second. Every. Goddamned. Time. You get the feeling the director was mad at his cast....

My son said he watched it in slow motion, and it was a horror movie.
 
R

Beauty and the Breast

A sequel to Toy Stormy, this soft porn classic gives new meaning to the cliché "more than a pretty face". In fact throughout the entire 67 minutes of the film, the face of the main protagonist is never seen. In a recounting of the making of the movie, the director tells us that it was never about not showing her face, but rather that the fact that it was filmed in a tiny room at a Motel 6 prevented any "dolly back" command from being carried out.
 
R

The Quirk and the Dead

The mayor of a small western town organizes a gunslinger tournament. Big money for the winner/survivor. But one detail, you can never draw your gun the same way twice. If you do, guys on the sidelines get to shoot you.
Everyone uses their most practiced draw on the first elimination round, which goes quickly. After that, it's a French farce. Slingers draw left-handed, backwards, one-fingered, and with a pair of tongs. They hold the gun upside-down, sideways, two-handed, and with chopsticks. They
fire over their shoulders, between their legs, under the knee, ricochet off the sign for the city mortician, and from underwater in the horse trough.
The soundtrack starts with music inspired by Morricone (The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly), shades to echoes of Mancini (Pink Panther, Baby Elephant Walk) and ends with gunmen chasing dropped and tossed guns all over Hell in the dusty street while Weird Al sings a parody of "Know When To Hold 'Em."
The winner is Sharon Stone, who draws the same way each time, but never gets punished. At the end it is revealed that she added a few fishing weights to her pistol each round. She convinced the judge that this way, the gun never has the same mass, thus she never draws the sane weigh....
 
S

Dave The Tiger - Drama about a middle aged tiger named Dave who lives in a zoo in Kansas. Dave’s relationship with his mate, and life in general, is dated and is more about ‘the good ole days’ than the present. Well aware the best years are behind him, he is tortured over how to come to grips with life as it is and will become.

He decides to torch the entire zoo for the insurance money, but when he tries to collect he is reminded that he is a tiger and didn’t own the zoo or even have a policy. Without a home, Dave and his mate live in and out of motels until his mate learns he burned the zoo down.

Now alone, Dave is in dire straits, needing to beg for chunks of meat at street corners. He then meets a drug addicted woman and a relationship ensues. He moves in with some people in an apartment and the movie starts seeming a lot like Rent, but with a tiger.

That all goes to hell and again Dave is on the streets jumping through hoops on street corners for money. Distraught, he attempts to hang himself, but without thumbs he can’t tie a knot.

His luck would change when he discovered an advertising job to be a mascot for a sugar flaked cereal. He barely lost out to a guy named Tony, but the tryout led to him getting a job as a bouncer at a bar. From there he worked his way up the ladder and owns the bar and got into a healthy relationship with the Cincinnati Bengals mascot.
 
T

Aps

George C. Scott as Brigadier General Tate (retired). He runs a military prep school that's being closed down in one year. The faculty are mostly retired old-timers, and curricula is all pretty much centered around fighting WWII again. There's not even talk of drone use, or any tech since the walkie talkie.

Desperate to keep the school relevant, Tate spends school money aquiring smart phones for staff and student, and hiring tech-savvy teens to bring the school into at least this century.
Soon, the whole school is designing applications for war, both traditional and terrorist-based.
The evening call-to-computers is 'Aps! Aps! Lights out! Maintain Red Bull about the campus. All personnel should be on their platforms and advancing the honor of their battalion.'

Their acquisition of cutting edge tech is so swift, and soon so advanced, the high school challenges West Point to a wargame. After initial and stunning losses, though, the Army cadets realize the teens are all glued to their phones. Army merely walks across the field, throwing teens into duffel bags, and win the games.
The loss and accumulated stress from his crate-a-day Mountain Dew habit gives Tate a heart attack.
The final scene has the youngest prep school student playing a MIDI of 'Taps' over the General's grave. Tate limps in from off-screen, shouting, striking the student with his cane. 'I just bought it! I'm not IN it!'
 
V

Moby Vick

The original name of Shark Week when Discovery Channel tried to recruit Michael Vick to host it. Abandoned when they got Mike Tyson to do the job.
 
W

The Good, the Wad, and the Ugly

Starring Pat Boone, John Holmes, and Sandra Bernhard.




(Believe me, you don't want a synopsis...)
 
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