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Things that make you laugh...

Our anniversary is coming up so I need rice.

They threw rice at us at our wedding. I somehow ended up with some in my pocket. That night, I found some rice in her hair. We laughed. She washed her hair.
We left for home, driving across the country in a car packed full of wedding gifts.
That night, I palmed some of the rice. Smoochies in the motel room, running fingers through her hair, I 'found' some more rice. I laughed. She combed the living shit out of her hair.
Next night, new time zone, new motel...more rice. This time I didn't say, 'oh, look what I found!' Running fingers through her hair during the smoochies I suddenly started to scoot across the bed. Near the trash can. She got suspicious, I can't imagine why, and discovered me throwing rice away. No one laughed. She got up and did hair maintenance for about half an hour.

We did this from Idaho to Virginia. I was looking for change for the toll road in Va. Beach when rice fell out of my pocket.
"Um....just a little souvenir?" I tried.
"You.....fucking....bastard." She didn't buy it.

Everyone at work laughed.

And went home and told their wives.

And came back the next day to tell me that it wasn't funny.
 
The Navy lost my wife once.

It was the year we got married. That fall, we went out to dinner for my birthday. She wasn't feeling healthy on the way back home so we went by the base clinic at the air station. They whisked her away and I got to sit in the waiting room where they were playing 'The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.' So, bored out of my skull for forty minutes, I started to ask how she was doing. No one knew anything about my wife.

Someone suggested she may have gone home? No, I still had the car keys.
Maybe they took her to the hospital? No, no. The ambulance was right where it had been all evening.
Finally I ended up at the nurse's station. Three female petty officers asked what I needed.
I explained, "I brought you guys my wife, what did you do with her?"
They insisted that "Your wife isn't in the clinic."
One decided to prove it.
She had the roster of all the patients in the building at that time. "And there's only one woman. She's a petty officer...." And she stopped talking. Because I have a last name that tends to confuse people, it's usually pronounced 'sudden stop.'
So I sounded it out. She looked up, disconcerted. "But she's BLACK!" she protested. (Oh, and all three of these petty officers were black.)
I agreed that this was the condition she was in when I delivered her and asked to go see her. They pointed vaguely down the hall and I found her.

But I really regret that I didn't think, at that moment, to wail, 'What have you DONE to her?'
 
A married couple in Florida, Tito and Amanda Watts, were arrested a few days ago for selling “golden tickets to heaven” to hundreds of people.

They sold the tickets on the street for $99.99 per ticket, told buyers the tickets were made from solid gold, and that each ticket reserved the buyer a spot in heaven — simply present the ticket at the pearly gates and you’re in.

Tito Watts said in his police statement: "I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold… And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space. I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of drugs. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up...."

Amanda Watts said in her police statement:" "We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and do drugs. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched."

Police said they confiscated over $10,000 in cash, drug paraphernalia, and a baby alligator.
 
gmbteach said:
A married couple in Florida, Tito and Amanda Watts, were arrested a few days ago for selling “golden tickets to heaven” to hundreds of people.

They sold the tickets on the street for $99.99 per ticket, told buyers the tickets were made from solid gold, and that each ticket reserved the buyer a spot in heaven — simply present the ticket at the pearly gates and you’re in.

Tito Watts said in his police statement: "I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold… And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space. I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of drugs. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up...."

Amanda Watts said in her police statement:" "We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and do drugs. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched."

Police said they confiscated over $10,000 in cash, drug paraphernalia, and a baby alligator.
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Have you noticed that stories like this always seem to come from Florida?

Not going back. Never going back. Ever.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Our anniversary is coming up so I need rice.

They threw rice at us at our wedding. I somehow ended up with some in my pocket. That night, I found some rice in her hair. We laughed. She washed her hair.
We left for home, driving across the country in a car packed full of wedding gifts.
That night, I palmed some of the rice. Smoochies in the motel room, running fingers through her hair, I 'found' some more rice. I laughed. She combed the living shit out of her hair.
Next night, new time zone, new motel...more rice. This time I didn't say, 'oh, look what I found!' Running fingers through her hair during the smoochies I suddenly started to scoot across the bed. Near the trash can. She got suspicious, I can't imagine why, and discovered me throwing rice away. No one laughed. She got up and did hair maintenance for about half an hour.

We did this from Idaho to Virginia. I was looking for change for the toll road in Va. Beach when rice fell out of my pocket.
"Um....just a little souvenir?" I tried.
"You.....fucking....bastard." She didn't buy it.

Everyone at work laughed.

And went home and told their wives.

And came back the next day to tell me that it wasn't funny.
Click to expand...

Sometimes I think that women don't have a sense of humor. ;)
 
Read this comment recently: "I find photorealism unimpressive. Not to say it isn't a show of fantastic skill. " Wouldn't that make it impressive?
 
+or-1 said:
Sometimes I think that women don't have a sense of humor. ;)
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I know, right?

And, like, when i told the story to Mom, she said, "You know, if there were a third gender, i think most women would marry it."

I'm beginning to think that wasn't a compliment.
 
The cross-dressing thread reminded me of a petty officer I used to know.
Not a gender cross dresser, but the closest I've ever come.

He was a 1st Class Yeoman, and on one base he won a charity lottery and got to be Admiral For A Day.

He liked it. He liked it a LOT! People treating him like a supergod, or a VIP guest on a cruise, or the CEO...

When I met him he had two dress uniforms for 1st Class Yeoman (An Enlisted 6 rank, or a Staff Sergeant). And four for 1, 2 and 3 star admirals.

He liked to appear at small commands some time after normal working hours. He'd show up unannounced, of course, scaring the shit out of the duty officer and asking for a quick tour, or a status update or a review of their personnel... Something.
They'd fawn over him, trip over their own feet, call the commanding officer back in, show him anything he pointed at, grand tour and no door barred.
Then he'd nod, smile, shake hands and run. Usually getting out before the CO showed up.
I honestly don't know what he liked more, getting treated like a god or getting away with the fraud.

I just knew that every time I met an admiral after that, I was going to ask for ID.
 
On one of my subs, the tools petty officer decided that he was going to prevent the missile tech division tools from walking away. He was going to adopt a fairly popular, though not universal, practice of dipping his tools in plastisol. It gave them a rubbery covering and would instantly identify them as property of the M01 work center.

The big problem was that all the good colors had already been taken by other divisions on board.

So he ended up buying a lot of black plastic and started dipping. I walked by in the middle of this. "It's a myth," I said, pointing to a black-handled hammer.
"What's a myth?" he asked.
"Painting it black doesn't make it any bigger."

Only one person in the whole compartment got the joke. We had one black guy in the department, he was the Roving Patrol at the time I cracked wise. He laughed so hard he fell down and had difficulty breathing.
 
They make stress balls shaped like submarines. Not exactly a stress 'ball' but close enough. I think they overestimated the market because they were on sale. At least, they're pretty cheap if you don't get a logo stamped on them. Minimum order of 38.

In a completely different story, my newest boss is a Surface Sailor. He just took over the training and documentation support for three weapon systems, all of them on submarines. Most of his new crew are former sub sailors.

And he's been trash talking the subs.

By an amazing coincidence, this morning when he came in to work, he found about five submarine stress balls on his desk. Seven more IN his desk. A few scatted on the book shelves around and above his head. His planter. Desk trays...

A few signs "Submarine Parking Only," are scattered here and there.

He hasn't found all of them yet. including the one that's in the shoe he left in the office...

And we may have exaggerated the number of subs he's looking for. I mean, I didn't LIE! They DO come in packs of 38. But my wife got one before I brought them in, as did each kid, and the secretary...
 
gmbteach said:
I was googling images and information on psoriatic arthritis and an image of Kim Kardashian turned up.... Well, it fits I suppose, she is a pain....
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At least we ought to thank Zoroaster for at least one small mercies. Paris Hilton hasn't been around here for a while!
 
My sister's an idiot. And a troublemaker.

I called Dad last night to check up on him. He's recovering from knee surgery and told me all the horribly things his therapist does to his joint. and after a while, I guess he was fishing for something, because he brought up, "Your sister called me this morning to wish me a happy Father's Day."
"What the fuck did she do that for? Father's Day is next week."
"It is?"
I insisted it was. I knew that it was because the first thing my wife did that morning was to wish me a happy Father's Day. Three calendars later, she finally buys into my claim. It's Flag Day, same initials, and it rhymes, but not the same thing.

So I eventually convince Dad that I had not slighted him by NOT offering felicitations that I had NOT owed him.

So I call my sister, who lives with my mother on the other side of the country. Mom answers, wishes me a happy Father's Day. She was surprised to learn the truth. And quickly handed me over to my sister.
"I just want to know," I asked, "if you're trying to get me in trouble or just fucking with our father's mind?"

First, she tries to blame Mom. "She thought it was today, too! It's not just on me!"
"Yes, it is. Mom didn't try to confuse Dad..."

She apologizes, eventually. Plus, she has to make a phone call.
She ordered Dad's FD gift from someplace that assured her they could ship it to arrive before the holiday. He doesn't have his gift, yet, so she emailed the company to ask what the fuck was up with their promise. She has to apologize (and look even more like an idiot).

She guessed she owed Dad a phone call.
I told her to tell Dad that NEXT week ,she was planning to wish him a HFD again, to check for Alzheimer's. She liked the suggestion, because it means she can blame me for ruining her test.

She doesn't realize how Dad's going to react to the suggestion she feels the need to test him for Alzheimer's already... Happy Flag Day, sis!
 
Just got an email from HR. We need to be on the lookout for things that'll bother people with multiple chemical fragrance sensitivities. No heavy perfumes or colognes. And
Employee workspaces, restrooms, etc. should remain free of scented chemical-based products such as air fresheners, scented candles and potpourri.
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Whew! I can still drench my fried fish in vinegar.

And eat canned octopus.

I did that once in the service. Some guys were having fart contests and they were making the rest of our eyes water. I decided I wanted to peel paint.

So for lunch, I had a can of spiced octopus, a bag of Doritos and a can of Mountain Dew. Waited all day for the noxious fumes.

Nothing.

It was fun, after lunch. The smell of my lunch spread through the entire building, and they were waiting for me to go off like a bomb. And if the chair I was sitting in creaked, half the division ran for th edoor.

But nothing like what I expected.

So, I left for the day. It's a five-mile drive from the waterfront to the Main Gate. I swear, my car was one car length off of the military reservation when I farted.


Oh.

My.

GAWD! I stank. I couldn't breathe. I had the car's ventilation on maximum, rolled down all the windows and stuck my head out the window. And still gagged. Driving down I 95 at 60, head still out the window, eating mosquitoes because that was preferable to breathing my own farts.

Picked the kids up from Day Care and the oldest told me 14 times that one of the twins needed their diaper changed. Neither of the twins would come near me.
 
My wife loves reading the local paper. Her former students keep managing to stupid their way into print.

One of her charmers was driving downtown. She remembers this kid for a variety of offenses and not giving a shit about her class. A cop pulled up behind him, asked him to pull over.
Well, he hadn't exactly gotten his mother's permission to drive the car. And the reason for that is that he doesn't currently have a driver's license. So he figured that she called to report her car stolen. There's also a rumor that there was probably a smell of marijuana about the car at the time he saw the cop, but that's unconfirmed, just something he was famous for in school. His solution to this or these problems? Run.
He got the car up to about 80 mph on Tyler Street.
The city has a policy against high speed chases through town. So they had to let him go.
Shortly after that, there were many reports of a car matching that description in an accident just down the block from my house.
He pretty much totaled his mom's car and didn't do anything great for the other car.
So when the cops approach the accident, he took of running.
They eventually caught him in an alley.

So, driving w/out license, stolen car, resisting arrest, reckless driving, speeding, failure to stop at light/stop sign/brake lights ahead, leaving the scene of an accident, and anything else the cops can even imagine charging him with.

As they were folding him into the back of the cruiser, he asked what they were pulling him over for in the first place.
Well, one of the bolts on his license plate had fallen out and the plate was hanging from one side. They were going to warn him to get that taken care of soon...
"OH, you gotta be FUCKING kidding me?"
So, that's misdemeanor foul language directed at a public official...
 
Top Gear. They're playing the "Top 41" moments episode, which includes a trip through Romania. They're all in convertibles, and going through one town, they had to slow down and a bunch of kids came up to cheer them and write their names in the dirt on the cars. Jeremy Clarkson (who else?), pointing to Richard Hammond, shouts at the kids, "Did you shrink that man? Did you shrink him, you gypsies?"
 
My coworker is on some sort of diet or training regimen where he eats five times during the work day. So each morning he comes in with five Tupperware containers of whatever he's cooked the night before. Today it's chicken and rice. And he's been here since about 0500, so he's broken open the first container.

Two days ago, I got a call from him after work... He'd dropped his phone in the toilet while peeing and wondered what he should do. I told him to pack it in rice. "Oh, yeah, I've heard about that!' he said. Then he hung up.

So, seeing the rice, I asked how his phone was working. It's fine. I joked: And you made sure to throw out the rice, right?
"No, why?"

When _I_ pack something in rice, I put it in a Ziploc, then pour the rice into the bag. He just shoved his phone into the middle of his 5-pound bag of rice.... Never even thought about where the toilet water was going to end up.

When the penny finally dropped, he spit out his food. He tossed the container. He's so upset, he can't even ever use the Tupperware ever again. I am trying to feel sympathy for him, but Jesus Christ, I can hardly type for laughing.
The look on his face..!
 
Keith&Co. said:
My coworker is on some sort of diet or training regimen where he eats five times during the work day. So each morning he comes in with five Tupperware containers of whatever he's cooked the night before. Today it's chicken and rice. And he's been here since about 0500, so he's broken open the first container.

Two days ago, I got a call from him after work... He'd dropped his phone in the toilet while peeing and wondered what he should do. I told him to pack it in rice. "Oh, yeah, I've heard about that!' he said. Then he hung up.

So, seeing the rice, I asked how his phone was working. It's fine. I joked: And you made sure to throw out the rice, right?
"No, why?"

When _I_ pack something in rice, I put it in a Ziploc, then pour the rice into the bag. He just shoved his phone into the middle of his 5-pound bag of rice.... Never even thought about where the toilet water was going to end up.

When the penny finally dropped, he spit out his food. He tossed the container. He's so upset, he can't even ever use the Tupperware ever again. I am trying to feel sympathy for him, but Jesus Christ, I can hardly type for laughing.
The look on his face..!
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Assuming that he doesn't eat his rice raw, it will have been boiled for at least ten minutes (likely more), so if it doesn't taste bad or smell bad, there is no reason not to eat it - other than the purely psychological.

In his shoes I would have carried on eating, if only to see your reaction.
 
bilby said:
there is no reason not to eat it - other than the purely psychological.
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That was enough. I'm sure the taste difference was purely psychological. He made no comments as he ate, but afterwards he's been telling the story, "You know, I was THINKING it tasted different....
In his shoes I would have carried on eating, if only to see your reaction.
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Heh.
I've kissed a girl who drank her own pee for her health fad.
Eat hearty.
 
I am chagrined that the potatoes in my compost pile grow much better than the potatoes in my garden. I keep telling myself that there's no reason I can't eat them, but I just can't bring myself to.
 
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