gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
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Things that make you laugh...
- Thread starter Angry Floof
- Start date
James Brown
Veteran Member
bilby
Fair dinkum thinkum
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- Strong Atheist
Veritass
Member
My actual first name is Wade (don't tell anyone).
If I want to mess with people, I tell them it is spelled W as in "wrong", A as is Aesop, D as in Django, E as in Eucharist.
If I want to mess with people, I tell them it is spelled W as in "wrong", A as is Aesop, D as in Django, E as in Eucharist.
You are evil.
Keith&Co.
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Knew a sailor named Zwyrt.
We called him Zert, as he instructed us to.
He used to tell officers it was "Pronounced, 'Smith,' sir. Everything's silent."
We called him Zert, as he instructed us to.
He used to tell officers it was "Pronounced, 'Smith,' sir. Everything's silent."
gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
- Joined
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- At home, when I am not at work.
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- On my journey :D
Keith&Co.
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My wife worked for a credit union for a while, maintaining the central computers for the CU. They supported tellers, ATMs and other transactions for the entire CU.
One day, soon after they moved into their brand new HQ building, all the lights in the center went out. The uninterruptible power supply interrupted, so they had a mad scramble in the dark trying to bring power back up, then bring the computers back up, all while answering calls from the branch offices complaining about their computers not working.
After a frantic hour, they finally have everything humming and the building starts to come back to life. They start their personal computers, most of them looking up the manual for the damned power supply to find out what the settings should have been.
They find an email. The department's Vice President had an office on the other side of the building. He sent to all: Guys? The power transformer outside of my window is sparking and smoking. Should it be doing that? Is there something we should be doing?
One day, soon after they moved into their brand new HQ building, all the lights in the center went out. The uninterruptible power supply interrupted, so they had a mad scramble in the dark trying to bring power back up, then bring the computers back up, all while answering calls from the branch offices complaining about their computers not working.
After a frantic hour, they finally have everything humming and the building starts to come back to life. They start their personal computers, most of them looking up the manual for the damned power supply to find out what the settings should have been.
They find an email. The department's Vice President had an office on the other side of the building. He sent to all: Guys? The power transformer outside of my window is sparking and smoking. Should it be doing that? Is there something we should be doing?
angelo
Deleted
A man and his wife tried to spice up their marriage by buying a water bed, but instead they drifted apart.
Underseer
Contributor
Patton Oswalt bit from his special, 'Finest Hour':
James Brown
Veteran Member
Last night a customer was asking about my bookstore's e-reader:
"How does it read books?"
"Well," I said. "You're the one that reads the book. Our reader just displays the words on the screen for you."
"Where does it get the books?"
"Usually you download the books you want to the reader."
"How does it do that?"
"Most people use their Wi-Fi."
"Does your reader come with one of those?"
"One of what?"
"A Wi-Fi?"
"No, ma'am. We don't sell any Wi-Fis here. You'll have to go to the Wi-Fi store and buy one there."
I didn't actually say that last line. But I wanted to.
And in my opinion, this woman is not a good candidate to be purchasing an e-reader.
"How does it read books?"
"Well," I said. "You're the one that reads the book. Our reader just displays the words on the screen for you."
"Where does it get the books?"
"Usually you download the books you want to the reader."
"How does it do that?"
"Most people use their Wi-Fi."
"Does your reader come with one of those?"
"One of what?"
"A Wi-Fi?"
"No, ma'am. We don't sell any Wi-Fis here. You'll have to go to the Wi-Fi store and buy one there."
I didn't actually say that last line. But I wanted to.
And in my opinion, this woman is not a good candidate to be purchasing an e-reader.
thebeave
Contributor
I see you met my mom.
Keith&Co.
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Yes. She is, unfortunately, A GREAT candidate for buying an e-reader.
And then phoning someone, like maybe her son, at 2300 hours, to help figure out where her e copy of Fear of Flying went.
Keith&Co.
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I want a bumper sticker.
I want it to say 'Horn if you're Honky.'
But my wife says she'll never ever go anywhere with me if i have such a thing on the car.
I want it to say 'Horn if you're Honky.'
But my wife says she'll never ever go anywhere with me if i have such a thing on the car.
Keith&Co.
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At three of the commands I served at when I was in the Navy, they made me the Publications Petty Officer. That was the responsibility for maintaining all the books in the department. I received them, updated them with changes, verified them and since these books were used by knuckledraggers, spent a lot of time trying to clean them up and repair them.
Lots of time spent putting paper reinforcements around the holes for the three or five or six ring binders.
On one command, they started referring to the paper reinforcements, the little O shaped circles, as paper O-gangers. Some divisions on board were referred to as 'gangs.' The Auxiliary Machinery Division members, for example, were the A-Gangers. Officers weren't really a gang, but they did travel in packs.
Anyway, I carried this habit forward for a while. At one point I was in the office, slaving away over classified books with a lot of rips and tears, taping up pages and reinforcing the punched holes. I ran out of one bag and asked my division officer to hand me the paper o-gangers. He was confused for a second, but found the reinforcements and handed them over. "What did you call them?"
"Paper officers, sir. They're 'O' shaped, and there's no 'O-gang' on the boat, so it was a habit on the Old Boat."
"Ah," the officer said with an understanding nod. "We always used to call them paper assholes."
The silence following this remark was deafening.
After a full minute of no one moving, he blushed and hurriedly left.
Lots of time spent putting paper reinforcements around the holes for the three or five or six ring binders.
On one command, they started referring to the paper reinforcements, the little O shaped circles, as paper O-gangers. Some divisions on board were referred to as 'gangs.' The Auxiliary Machinery Division members, for example, were the A-Gangers. Officers weren't really a gang, but they did travel in packs.
Anyway, I carried this habit forward for a while. At one point I was in the office, slaving away over classified books with a lot of rips and tears, taping up pages and reinforcing the punched holes. I ran out of one bag and asked my division officer to hand me the paper o-gangers. He was confused for a second, but found the reinforcements and handed them over. "What did you call them?"
"Paper officers, sir. They're 'O' shaped, and there's no 'O-gang' on the boat, so it was a habit on the Old Boat."
"Ah," the officer said with an understanding nod. "We always used to call them paper assholes."
The silence following this remark was deafening.
After a full minute of no one moving, he blushed and hurriedly left.
Wiploc
Veteran Member
Here's a question from Quora:
[h=1]How do atheists view the heart on Pluto if not as a sign from God to live with love and peace?[/h]
And here's one of the answers:
Clearly, this isn't Pluto's heart, it's his FACE.
Look:
Artwork taken from https://twitter.com/scottjohnson
[h=1]How do atheists view the heart on Pluto if not as a sign from God to live with love and peace?[/h]
And here's one of the answers:
Clearly, this isn't Pluto's heart, it's his FACE.
Look:
Artwork taken from https://twitter.com/scottjohnson
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gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2013
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- 14,189
- Location
- At home, when I am not at work.
- Basic Beliefs
- On my journey :D
Today I got called a 'fucking bitch' and a few seconds later to 'shut the fuck up you fucking bitch' by a 7 year old.
Why does this make me laugh? I haven't been spoken to this way since I left Mount Isa over 3 years ago. And I haven't missed it!
Why does this make me laugh? I haven't been spoken to this way since I left Mount Isa over 3 years ago. And I haven't missed it!
Thomas II
Contributor
gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2013
- Messages
- 14,189
- Location
- At home, when I am not at work.
- Basic Beliefs
- On my journey :D
You're telling me!
