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Things that make you laugh...

I used to make patrols with a sailor who was...challenged, let's say, in accomplishing any task that required in depth knowledge and a need to hold two ideas at the same time.
For some of our evolutions, therefore, he was the logkeeper. We would complete a procedure, he'd be tasked with writing it down in the log. It' s not a complex skill. You watch the guys working and track their progress and write down completion times.
Well, evidently it was too complex because no one made a point of turning to Gray and saying, loudly and clearly, "We have completed Weapons Procedure X, which is step y of Procedural Guide Z." So during one retargeting, he threw down the log and his pen, shouting that "No one ever tells me nothing!" and stormed out.
So we told him everything.
Any time we started a procedure, for about the next month, we sent someone to wake him up or call him out of the movie and alert him. When the procedure was finished, we gave him a report (unless I was the one on watch... I often figured he'd be laying there in the rack just waiting for the completion report. SO I let him hang...). After that month, he apologized to the division and we stopped.

The next patrol, the Weapons Officer announced his impending retirement. So he wanted us to treat the Assistant Weapons Officer as Weps for the last half of the patrol, to get him trained up.

The first week, we were not in the habit ,yet, so there were some things we forgot to inform him of. So he got the whole department together, chewed us out, and insisted that we tell him EVERYTHING going on in the department.

Gray had only gotten start and finish times.

AWeps got... Oh, everything. Start times, finish times, alarms received, alerts, paper changes in the printer, vacuuming the carpet, changing light bulbs in the fuze tester... And we never started any maintenance until 20 minutes after chow. That's when he'd be just climbing into his Bunkie...

He lasted six days.

Be careful what you demand. People may be glad to give it to you.

Well, if that's the case: I DEMAND $1000000 ! :D
 
It occurred to me that since English has so many different silent letters, one could construct terrific names for kids (that you don't like very much.)

"Hello, my name is Tbjdiguhmw. It's pronounced

'Jim'.

All the other letters are silent."


Silent 'B' as in 'comb'
Silent 'D' as in 'handkerchief'
Silent 'G' as in 'align'
Silent 'H' as in 'chaos'
Silent 'T' as in 'fasten'
Silent 'U' as in 'rogue'
Silent 'W' as in 'sword'

 
It occurred to me that since English has so many different silent letters, one could construct terrific names for kids (that you don't like very much.)

"Hello, my name is Tbjdiguhmw. It's pronounced

'Jim'.

All the other letters are silent."


Silent 'B' as in 'comb'
Silent 'D' as in 'handkerchief'
Silent 'G' as in 'align'
Silent 'H' as in 'chaos'
Silent 'T' as in 'fasten'
Silent 'U' as in 'rogue'
Silent 'W' as in 'sword'


What do you mean 'could'?

Half the kids Gmbteach teaches have names like that.
 
My actual first name is Wade (don't tell anyone).

If I want to mess with people, I tell them it is spelled W as in "wrong", A as is Aesop, D as in Django, E as in Eucharist.
 
Knew a sailor named Zwyrt.
We called him Zert, as he instructed us to.

He used to tell officers it was "Pronounced, 'Smith,' sir. Everything's silent."
 
11150797_1101589329855541_9020853305810820542_n.jpg
 
My wife worked for a credit union for a while, maintaining the central computers for the CU. They supported tellers, ATMs and other transactions for the entire CU.

One day, soon after they moved into their brand new HQ building, all the lights in the center went out. The uninterruptible power supply interrupted, so they had a mad scramble in the dark trying to bring power back up, then bring the computers back up, all while answering calls from the branch offices complaining about their computers not working.

After a frantic hour, they finally have everything humming and the building starts to come back to life. They start their personal computers, most of them looking up the manual for the damned power supply to find out what the settings should have been.

They find an email. The department's Vice President had an office on the other side of the building. He sent to all: Guys? The power transformer outside of my window is sparking and smoking. Should it be doing that? Is there something we should be doing?
 
Patton Oswalt bit from his special, 'Finest Hour':

"I’m glad you like a book. I really am. At this point I’m glad that anybody is reading anything! And I’m not even putting down the Bible...the Bible is terrific! Give it a read, it’s got monsters and adventures, and hey, if you like torture porn, check out the Old Testament! Oh man, any Saw fans out there? Get the Old Testament!

But just because you like something in a book doesn’t mean that you can have the thing you like in the book happen in real life! That’s what crazy people want! I can’t go to the White House with a bunch of Green Lantern comics and go, “I want a Green Lantern ring! I saw it in a book I like! Make the thing in the book I like be here! Now!” I would be justifiably tazed if I did that."
 
Last night a customer was asking about my bookstore's e-reader:

"How does it read books?"

"Well," I said. "You're the one that reads the book. Our reader just displays the words on the screen for you."

"Where does it get the books?"

"Usually you download the books you want to the reader."

"How does it do that?"

"Most people use their Wi-Fi."

"Does your reader come with one of those?"

"One of what?"

"A Wi-Fi?"

"No, ma'am. We don't sell any Wi-Fis here. You'll have to go to the Wi-Fi store and buy one there."

I didn't actually say that last line. But I wanted to.

And in my opinion, this woman is not a good candidate to be purchasing an e-reader.
 
Last night a customer was asking about my bookstore's e-reader:

"How does it read books?"

"Well," I said. "You're the one that reads the book. Our reader just displays the words on the screen for you."

"Where does it get the books?"

"Usually you download the books you want to the reader."

"How does it do that?"

"Most people use their Wi-Fi."

"Does your reader come with one of those?"

"One of what?"

"A Wi-Fi?"

"No, ma'am. We don't sell any Wi-Fis here. You'll have to go to the Wi-Fi store and buy one there."

I didn't actually say that last line. But I wanted to.

And in my opinion, this woman is not a good candidate to be purchasing an e-reader.

I see you met my mom.
 
And in my opinion, this woman is not a good candidate to be purchasing an e-reader.

I see you met my mom.
Yes. She is, unfortunately, A GREAT candidate for buying an e-reader.
And then phoning someone, like maybe her son, at 2300 hours, to help figure out where her e copy of Fear of Flying went.
 
I want a bumper sticker.
U46Rh.jpg
I want it to say 'Horn if you're Honky.'

But my wife says she'll never ever go anywhere with me if i have such a thing on the car.
 
At three of the commands I served at when I was in the Navy, they made me the Publications Petty Officer. That was the responsibility for maintaining all the books in the department. I received them, updated them with changes, verified them and since these books were used by knuckledraggers, spent a lot of time trying to clean them up and repair them.
Lots of time spent putting paper reinforcements around the holes for the three or five or six ring binders.

On one command, they started referring to the paper reinforcements, the little O shaped circles, as paper O-gangers. Some divisions on board were referred to as 'gangs.' The Auxiliary Machinery Division members, for example, were the A-Gangers. Officers weren't really a gang, but they did travel in packs.

Anyway, I carried this habit forward for a while. At one point I was in the office, slaving away over classified books with a lot of rips and tears, taping up pages and reinforcing the punched holes. I ran out of one bag and asked my division officer to hand me the paper o-gangers. He was confused for a second, but found the reinforcements and handed them over. "What did you call them?"
"Paper officers, sir. They're 'O' shaped, and there's no 'O-gang' on the boat, so it was a habit on the Old Boat."
"Ah," the officer said with an understanding nod. "We always used to call them paper assholes."

The silence following this remark was deafening.

After a full minute of no one moving, he blushed and hurriedly left.
 
Here's a question from Quora:
[h=1]How do atheists view the heart on Pluto if not as a sign from God to live with love and peace?[/h]

And here's one of the answers:

Clearly, this isn't Pluto's heart, it's his FACE.
Look:


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Artwork taken from https://twitter.com/scottjohnson
 

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Today I got called a 'fucking bitch' and a few seconds later to 'shut the fuck up you fucking bitch' by a 7 year old.

Why does this make me laugh? I haven't been spoken to this way since I left Mount Isa over 3 years ago. And I haven't missed it!
 
Today I got called a 'fucking bitch' and a few seconds later to 'shut the fuck up you fucking bitch' by a 7 year old.

Why does this make me laugh? I haven't been spoken to this way since I left Mount Isa over 3 years ago. And I haven't missed it!

I know, it's a tough crowd...

freeze.preview.PNG
 
Today I got called a 'fucking bitch' and a few seconds later to 'shut the fuck up you fucking bitch' by a 7 year old.

Why does this make me laugh? I haven't been spoken to this way since I left Mount Isa over 3 years ago. And I haven't missed it!

I know, it's a tough crowd...

freeze.preview.PNG

You're telling me!
 
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