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Things that make you laugh...

Tinker Grey said:
Perhaps it is part of the joke I'm not getting, but Belize borders Mexico and Guatemala.
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The guy wants to flee to Belize, but he can't be bothered to research even what continent it's in. And, since he was being so stupid about it, Keith declined to clue him in.
 
Tinker Grey said:
Perhaps it is part of the joke I'm not getting, but Belize borders Mexico and Guatemala.
Click to expand...
I'm making fun of him and of the general American knowledge of geography if it's not on the Evening News. And even some that is....

Belgium, Belize, they sound alike. Or close enough for government contractor work....
 
Keith&Co. said:
So today he asked me if "Belize is, like, the French word for Belgium?"
"Um, no, I think the French word for Belgium is Belgium."
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Hmmm, seems the lack of geographical awareness goes hand in hand with knowledge of non-american languages.

French for Belgium is Belgique, Dutch is Belgie and German Belgien.

:-)

Belize is the bravosi word for Belgique so your friend might have a point.
 
The point being to ask a known sarcastic SOB for help in planning his life on the lam...

Well, mea culpa.
 
"I've been forced to explain homosexuality to my children (3 and 4) because their Uncle bob is gay.

This incredibly traumatic experience went as follows."

Kid: "Why do Uncle Bob and Pete go everywhere together?"

Adult: "Because Uncle Bob and Pete are in love, the way that Mummy and Daddy are."

Kid: "Oh. Can I have a biscuit?"
 
Thought I would share the latest frivolity.

?????? Facebook will begin stealing your undergarments at midnight tonight if you don't copy & paste this message in the next 37 seconds, forward it to everyone in your mailing list, print a hard copy for your grandmother & call your third grade teacher. This is real. I got the message first hand from Elvis who was having lunch with Bigfoot, while riding the Loch Ness monster. It was even on the inside back cover of every tabloid in the grocery store checkout line. Not only will Facebook start charging you tomorrow, they are also going to bill your credit card for the past 3 years of services. Luckily, each person who copies & pastes this status will receive a FREE unicorn in the mail tomorrow. However, if you don't re-post this status, Facebook code has been set up to automatically set your computer on fire & harm an innocent bunny in the forest! It's all true, it was on the news! It's official!
** I'm just doing this for the free Unicorn!
 
My company is distributed across two buildings. I cross between them often. The door I usually use is on a covered walkway and the spring on that door is pretty burly.
This morning, on my way out, I really leaned on the door as usual.
But the tropical storm is blowing down between the buildings, the rain is almost horizontal.

the door is wet on the INSIDE and the glass panel I was pushing on is slicker than snot.

And the wind is pushing into the door, which opened it wider.

So I pitched forward aiming for a faceplant on the sidewalk.

I started running. I couldn't stop the fall, but I kept getting my legs under me enough to delay it. So, ten yards of me, arms flailing, legs pumping, body at about a 45 degree angle in the rain....

I finally reached a picnic table across the way for the smokers and caught myself.

When I stood up I saw my boss' boss staring at me.

I smiled. "Good to know I can still do those Russian dances, huh?"
 
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Keith&Co. said:
My company is distributed across two buildings. I cross between them often. The door I usually use is on a covered walkway and the spring on that door is pretty burly.
This morning, on my way out, I really leaned on the door as usual.
But the tropical storm is blowing down between the buildings, the rain is almost horizontal.

the door is wet on the INSIDE and the glass panel I was pushing on is slicker than snot.

And the wind is pushing into the door, which opened it wider.

So I pitched forward aiming for a faceplant on the sidewalk.

I started running. I couldn't stop the fall, but I kept getting my legs under me enough to delay it. So, ten yards of me, arms flailing, legs pumping, body at about a 45 degree angle in the rain....

I finally reached a picnic table across the way for the smokers and caught myself.

When I stood up I saw my boss' boss staring at me.

I smiled. "Good to know I can still do those Russian dances, huh?"
Click to expand...

I know this awful feeling of impending doom. Back in my freshman year of college in the dorms, we had a huge water fight going on with about a dozen students in the common area. People were throwing water balloons, cups of water at each other, etc. I decided to up the ante by taking a plastic, kitchen-size trash can, and filling it mostly full of water. It was heavy, but I thought I could manage it. I saw my target (my friend with his back towards me, who was standing a couple dozen yards away) and began running with it towards him. As I gained speed, I began to feel myself get top heavy and forward leaning, and I had to keep running to stay upright, though I knew it wasn't a sustainable gait. I was just hoping I could unload it on him before gravity took over. Sure enough, I lost it about 15 feet away from him, did a face plant and all the water just spilled out onto the grass. I think part of his sneaker might have gotten wet though. :) Lots of people saw what happened and were laughing at me. I felt like such a fool. My face blushes to this day when I think about that, and that happened in 1981.
 
When Plato gave Socrates's definition of man as "featherless bipeds" and was much praised for the definition, Diogenes plucked a chicken and brought it into Plato's Academy, saying, "Behold! I've brought you a man." After this incident, "with broad flat nails" was added to Plato's definition.
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From here.
 
Yet another one of these - but they don't get old.


Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
 
The local radio station was talking about the movie, The Martian. They asked listeners what they'd want to have if they were stuck on Mars, what one thing you'd want to have with you, to keep you sane for the 4 years it could take to get rescued.
Assume food and water and oxygen were covered, and further 'a way to get home' can't be your pick.

One caller wanted a cell phone because part of the problem was that NASA didn't know he was alive.

The host laughed and asked what sort of service she thinks she would get on Mars.

"Oh, i'd take my charger, so I could wait however long it took to get a signal."
 
Going through Target today, near the racks of Halloween candy bags.

A little girl picked up a bag of Snickers and turned to her mother. "I think Daddy would have wanted me to have this many candy."

People all AROUND that aisle gasped.

Mom replied, a little louder than necessary for the benefit of the greater audience: "Your father's not DEAD! He's OUT OF TOWN for a WEEK!"

I almost wanted to give the kid a candy bar for 'a good try.'
 
I've begun keeping a dog whistle by the phone.
We don't have a dog.
But my son hangs out at a place where they do.

I got tired of trying to get Kevin's attention by shouting into his phone, but now he's learned that when the dogs at his friend's place start barking like mad, he's managed to butt-dial home.
 
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