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Things that make you laugh...
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Keith&Co.
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He tries to be 'one of the guys' to show 'i can take it.'
And then comes to regret waving a red flag in front of the bubbleheads...
Keith&Co.
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I've usually been among the youngest of the patients at my ophthalmologist's office. For an intelligently designed species, God apparently never planned for us to live much past 60.
But this last time, a family was there for their little girl to be seen. Doc's nurses keep a case of brownies at hand to bribe the young patients. She got one, and then her little sister got one. That kept the littlest from crying about unfair treat distribution. But then the patient thought it was unfair that SHE got a brownie for behaving while her sister got one without having to get drops or bright lights in the eye. This was eventually resolved with one more brownie and two balloons while i waited for my eyes to dilate.
When they took me in for one of the tests, she asked me to keep my eyes wide open. "You know, i wasn't aware that there were brownies at hand for good behavior. I've been being cooperative for free, just GIVING it away."
"Uh huh.... Do you want a brownie for being a good boy?"
"Well, if you're offering...."
"I know you're a diabetic and your wife comes in here, too. Do you want me to tell her you refused to behave until we gave you sugar?"
".....Look at how wide open my eyes are... Come on, look!"
She took the pictures, then said, "You know, i wouldn't really have told on you."
"That's not a risk i'm prepared to take," I replied.
....My wife said later that i was a smart fella...
But this last time, a family was there for their little girl to be seen. Doc's nurses keep a case of brownies at hand to bribe the young patients. She got one, and then her little sister got one. That kept the littlest from crying about unfair treat distribution. But then the patient thought it was unfair that SHE got a brownie for behaving while her sister got one without having to get drops or bright lights in the eye. This was eventually resolved with one more brownie and two balloons while i waited for my eyes to dilate.
When they took me in for one of the tests, she asked me to keep my eyes wide open. "You know, i wasn't aware that there were brownies at hand for good behavior. I've been being cooperative for free, just GIVING it away."
"Uh huh.... Do you want a brownie for being a good boy?"
"Well, if you're offering...."
"I know you're a diabetic and your wife comes in here, too. Do you want me to tell her you refused to behave until we gave you sugar?"
".....Look at how wide open my eyes are... Come on, look!"
She took the pictures, then said, "You know, i wouldn't really have told on you."
"That's not a risk i'm prepared to take," I replied.
....My wife said later that i was a smart fella...
Keith&Co.
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So, I got up this morning and came downstairs and sat in my chair at the kitchen table. I was trying to remember what i had planned to do today and nothing was coming to mind, so i just stared off into the distance. Or, since the drapes were closed, i stared off into the very near distance and the off-white window treatment...
Anyway, after a moment or two of this, my wife asks, "What can I do for you, dear?"
"Oh, well, I suppose you could tell me why," I replied.
"Why what?" she asked, naturally enough.
"Well, I suppose I need help with the question, too."
She threw a bagel at me.
Which reminds me, i planned to buy bagels today. So, it worked!
Anyway, after a moment or two of this, my wife asks, "What can I do for you, dear?"
"Oh, well, I suppose you could tell me why," I replied.
"Why what?" she asked, naturally enough.
"Well, I suppose I need help with the question, too."
She threw a bagel at me.
Which reminds me, i planned to buy bagels today. So, it worked!
gmbteach
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There are a multitude of apps that you can use to jog your memory you know. And there is this other new dangled device called a notepad and pen. Maybe that could help!
Keith&Co.
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Haven't found an app that slings bagels, though.There are a multitude of apps that you can use to jog your memory you know. And there is this other new dangled device called a notepad and pen. Maybe that could help!
I do have a pocket 2-year calendar, but it's in the same pocket as my checkbook and it's SO incredibly difficult to get only one of them out... I was working up the strength to do just that when Mrs. &Co. made the mistake of making eye contact.
gmbteach
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Horatio Parker
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Aristotle on Trolls
That trolling is a shameful thing, and that no one of sense would accept to be called ‘troll’, all are agreed; but what trolling is, and how many its species are, and whether there is an excellence of the troll, is unclear. And indeed trolling is said in many ways; for some call ‘troll’ anyone who is abusive on the internet, but this is only the disagreeable person, or in newspaper comments the angry old man. And the one who disagrees loudly on the blog on each occasion is a lover of controversy, or an attention-seeker. And none of these is the troll, or perhaps some are of a mixed type; for there is no art in what they do. (Whether it is possible to troll one's own blog is unclear; for the one who poses divisive questions seems only to seek controversy, and to do so openly; and this is not trolling but rather a kind of clickbait.)
Well then, the troll in the proper sense is one who speaks to a community and as being part of the community; only he is not part of it, but opposed. And the community has some good in common, and this the troll must know, and what things promote and destroy it: for he seeks to destroy. Hence no one would troll the remotest Mysian, or even know how, but rather a Republican trolls a Democratic blog and a Democrat Republicans. And he destroys the thread by disputing what is known to be true, or abusing what is recognised as admirable; or he creates fear about a small problem, as if it were large, or treats a necessary matter as small; or he speaks abuse while claiming to be a friend. And in general the troll says what is false but sounds like the truth—or rather he does not quite say it, but rather something very close to it which is true, or partly true, or best of all merely asks a simple question about the evidence for climate change. Hence the modes of trolling are many: the concern-troll, the one who ‘sees the other side’, the polite inquirer into the obvious. For the perfected troll has no need of rudeness or abuse, or even of fallacy (this belongs rather to sophistic or eristic, and requires making an argument): he only makes a suggestion or indication [sêmainein].
Cont'd...
That trolling is a shameful thing, and that no one of sense would accept to be called ‘troll’, all are agreed; but what trolling is, and how many its species are, and whether there is an excellence of the troll, is unclear. And indeed trolling is said in many ways; for some call ‘troll’ anyone who is abusive on the internet, but this is only the disagreeable person, or in newspaper comments the angry old man. And the one who disagrees loudly on the blog on each occasion is a lover of controversy, or an attention-seeker. And none of these is the troll, or perhaps some are of a mixed type; for there is no art in what they do. (Whether it is possible to troll one's own blog is unclear; for the one who poses divisive questions seems only to seek controversy, and to do so openly; and this is not trolling but rather a kind of clickbait.)
Well then, the troll in the proper sense is one who speaks to a community and as being part of the community; only he is not part of it, but opposed. And the community has some good in common, and this the troll must know, and what things promote and destroy it: for he seeks to destroy. Hence no one would troll the remotest Mysian, or even know how, but rather a Republican trolls a Democratic blog and a Democrat Republicans. And he destroys the thread by disputing what is known to be true, or abusing what is recognised as admirable; or he creates fear about a small problem, as if it were large, or treats a necessary matter as small; or he speaks abuse while claiming to be a friend. And in general the troll says what is false but sounds like the truth—or rather he does not quite say it, but rather something very close to it which is true, or partly true, or best of all merely asks a simple question about the evidence for climate change. Hence the modes of trolling are many: the concern-troll, the one who ‘sees the other side’, the polite inquirer into the obvious. For the perfected troll has no need of rudeness or abuse, or even of fallacy (this belongs rather to sophistic or eristic, and requires making an argument): he only makes a suggestion or indication [sêmainein].
Cont'd...
Keith&Co.
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Someone at work heard about a practical joke involving squeeze ball submarines.
And she heard that i was handing out, on a completely unrelated basis, squeeze ball submarines for stress relief.
She asked me if i was an instigator.
I said, "No, but i'll give you $5 to tell everyone that Christine is."
She didn't laugh. She asked, "Why would I do that?"
Evidently she asked everyone why i would want her to do that.
So about 2 hours later, Christine came over and hit me. THEN i explained and she laughed.
And hit me again.
totally worth it.
And she heard that i was handing out, on a completely unrelated basis, squeeze ball submarines for stress relief.
She asked me if i was an instigator.
I said, "No, but i'll give you $5 to tell everyone that Christine is."
She didn't laugh. She asked, "Why would I do that?"
Evidently she asked everyone why i would want her to do that.
So about 2 hours later, Christine came over and hit me. THEN i explained and she laughed.
And hit me again.
totally worth it.
gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
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So we are trying to train Stripe etc to not bark, and to obey our every command, which for Bella is easy, not so easy for the arrogant, disobedient and aloof Tibetan Spaniel!
To do this, Bilby and I have packets of treats with us at all times, and we will randomly call a dog, and if it comes, it gets a treat.
So I sit on the couch, and call Stripe. He comes. I reach for the bag of treats and it's not where I thought I had left it. I checked the office in case I had left it there. Nope - didn't leave it there either.
So I head back down to the lounge room and spot a bit of plastic bag on the dogs couch... Yep - one of the dogs, I shall not blame anyone in particular, STRIPE, has taken the treat bag and eaten all the treats in there. There WAS two days supply in that bag. He had taken it off the side table. Cheeky monkey!
When I showed the bag to Stripe, he pulled it out of my hands and continued to chew on it.....
hmmm Guilty much?
To do this, Bilby and I have packets of treats with us at all times, and we will randomly call a dog, and if it comes, it gets a treat.
So I sit on the couch, and call Stripe. He comes. I reach for the bag of treats and it's not where I thought I had left it. I checked the office in case I had left it there. Nope - didn't leave it there either.
So I head back down to the lounge room and spot a bit of plastic bag on the dogs couch... Yep - one of the dogs, I shall not blame anyone in particular, STRIPE, has taken the treat bag and eaten all the treats in there. There WAS two days supply in that bag. He had taken it off the side table. Cheeky monkey!
When I showed the bag to Stripe, he pulled it out of my hands and continued to chew on it.....
hmmm Guilty much?
Malintent
Veteran Member
So I typo'ed myself into hysterics once...
I was working for a software company, programming late.... very late...
I was attempting to declare a new type and I typo'ed the word type by typing 'typo' instead of 'type'.
I couldn't stop laughing for what seemed like hours.
Malintent
Veteran Member
Just typing a few words into google search to see what pops up on auto complete cracks me up.
Try it. for example:
Type "Why is my" and see what comes up... I just got
Why is my poop green
Why is my poop black
Why is my computer slow
thebeave
Contributor
I know the answer to the first one without Google's help!
Because you ate Apple Jacks cereal. I have lots of experience with that one.
Keith&Co.
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Some people have no sense of humor.
Lots of deeply conservative coworkers here. They were discussing the various bathroom laws in existence and planning and keep throwing out the word 'perversion.'
I finally had to ask how they're defining 'pervert.'
One wit says 'anyone who beats off 10 times a day.'
"God, DAMN, who has that much uninterrupted free time?" I reply. " I mean, seriously, I can barely get my pants down and m y hand lubricated before the phone rings for someone selling me solar power, or someone asking for my stand on the issues in this critical election year, or my kids need a ride somewhere.
"Or the wife comes home early, or someone's delivering mail, or they say the 'captain has turned the seat-belt sign back on, please return to your seat' or the man who called the meeting says, 'Keith, you've been very quiet for most of this meeting, what do you think?' I'm not a pervert, then, because the universe is conspiring to make sure I can NOT beat it 10 times a day.
...and my boss, who had called this morning's meeting, blushed as he tried to remember where my hands were when he asked that very question....
Lots of deeply conservative coworkers here. They were discussing the various bathroom laws in existence and planning and keep throwing out the word 'perversion.'
I finally had to ask how they're defining 'pervert.'
One wit says 'anyone who beats off 10 times a day.'
"God, DAMN, who has that much uninterrupted free time?" I reply. " I mean, seriously, I can barely get my pants down and m y hand lubricated before the phone rings for someone selling me solar power, or someone asking for my stand on the issues in this critical election year, or my kids need a ride somewhere.
"Or the wife comes home early, or someone's delivering mail, or they say the 'captain has turned the seat-belt sign back on, please return to your seat' or the man who called the meeting says, 'Keith, you've been very quiet for most of this meeting, what do you think?' I'm not a pervert, then, because the universe is conspiring to make sure I can NOT beat it 10 times a day.
...and my boss, who had called this morning's meeting, blushed as he tried to remember where my hands were when he asked that very question....
spikepipsqueak
My Brane Hertz
Keith&Co
Elixir
Made in America
Sometimes you make me wish I had a boss.
Keith&Co.
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They can be fun!
Elixir
Made in America
Yeah, it's tragic. It would be fun in the short term to make my employees squirm, but in the long run I need them to be comfortable. Dammit.