# Things that make you laugh...

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
I pour a cup, cup and a half of pistachios into a bowl for a snack.
Passing my wife's chair, i offer her some. She takes about six.
I point to the bowl, my hand 18 inches from the nuts.. "You want that one?"
"Which one?"
"That one. On the left. I picked it out special."
She takes another, thanking me and praising the pistachio for its innate pistachiosity. Clearly, i have an eye for pistachios.
Youngest son does not look up from his phone. '"Everyone at work thinks i have a future in sitcoms because they all think i made you guys up." Makes eye contact. 'Every One of them."

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Someone posted a meme where my wife hangs out, "Whsst would happen if everyone you ever masturbared to was in the same room?"

Well, a divorce, obviously.

And a LOT of accusatory quoting. "You said there's an upper limit! Some boobs are too big to be attractive! You named examples!"
"Yes," i agree. She points. I sigh. "Look, what happened in puberty only counts against puberty."

#### Elixir

Seen on FB:
"whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle is a genius."

Staff member

#### Elixir

Don't know if it's true or not... but ... funny.

"There was a famous English fighter pilot during World War 2 who really distinguished himself during the Battle of Britain by shooting down more than enough enemy aircraft to qualify as an ace.
A few years after the war, he was invited to give a talk at a very posh girls' boarding school.
He stood on the stage in the assembly hall in front of all the girls, and said, "so, I was 6,000 feet above the French countryside, when I saw two of the fuckers closing in on me from my left. I looked to my right, and there's three more of the fuckers! And another fucker coming up behind me!"
At this point, the headmistress had gone very pale, and she staggered to her feet and in a shaky voice informed the girls that a Fokker is a kind of German aircraft.
The pilot turned to her, smiling, and said, "You're absolutely correct, Madam. But these fuckers were all flying Messerschmitts!""

#### Angry Floof

##### Tricksy Leftits
Staff member
I can never remember how to spell diarrhea, but I think my attempt was close enough that the spell check should have guessed diarrhea!

WTF is dahabeah??

#### Elixir

I can never remember how to spell diarrhea, but I think my attempt was close enough that the spell check should have guessed diarrhea!

WTF is dahabeah??

View attachment 37460

#### gmbteach

##### Mrs Frizzle
I have a Common Access Card (CAC) at work to access certain government sites. Today, it was not working. My credentials were refused, questioned, ignored, refused again, missing, found, lost...
I took the CAC out of the reader and set it down.
I have an expired pass from a military base i visited two years sgo, and it looks a lot like a CAC. I got that and, in full view of the access card, cut the pass into slivers.
Brushed theat into the trash, put the CAC back and immediately accessed the site. I laughed triumphantly.

That's when i found out a manager had been watching me for some time.

"What are you doing?"
"Motivating compliance, actually. I think it was Gand Moff Tarkin who said, 'Fear will keep them in line.' Something like that."

Now i have an appointment with my Lead...for some reason.
Did that with my Printer yesterday... In full view of it, I started googling replacements.

#### Patooka

##### Veteran Member
I can never remember how to spell diarrhea, but I think my attempt was close enough that the spell check should have guessed diarrhea!

WTF is dahabeah??

View attachment 37460
I thought it was the sound you make when you are suffering from really bad diarrhoea. I guess the word is onomatopoeia.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
I have a Common Access Card (CAC) at work to access certain government sites. Today, it was not working. My credentials were refused, questioned, ignored, refused again, missing, found, lost...
I took the CAC out of the reader and set it down.
I have an expired pass from a military base i visited two years sgo, and it looks a lot like a CAC. I got that and, in full view of the access card, cut the pass into slivers.
Brushed theat into the trash, put the CAC back and immediately accessed the site. I laughed triumphantly.

That's when i found out a manager had been watching me for some time.

"What are you doing?"
"Motivating compliance, actually. I think it was Gand Moff Tarkin who said, 'Fear will keep them in line.' Something like that."

Now i have an appointment with my Lead...for some reason.
Did that with my Printer yesterday... In full view of it, I started googling replacements.
Sort results by the ink cartridges you already have replacements for. Show it you're not bluffing.

#### gmbteach

##### Mrs Frizzle
I have a Common Access Card (CAC) at work to access certain government sites. Today, it was not working. My credentials were refused, questioned, ignored, refused again, missing, found, lost...
I took the CAC out of the reader and set it down.
I have an expired pass from a military base i visited two years sgo, and it looks a lot like a CAC. I got that and, in full view of the access card, cut the pass into slivers.
Brushed theat into the trash, put the CAC back and immediately accessed the site. I laughed triumphantly.

That's when i found out a manager had been watching me for some time.

"What are you doing?"
"Motivating compliance, actually. I think it was Gand Moff Tarkin who said, 'Fear will keep them in line.' Something like that."

Now i have an appointment with my Lead...for some reason.
Did that with my Printer yesterday... In full view of it, I started googling replacements.
Sort results by the ink cartridges you already have replacements for. Show it you're not bluffing.

It did decide to behave itself after that... I just need to remember that it needs rests... stupid old thing...

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Nerds being nerdy over by Software. Two guys arranging the pushpins on a bulletin board in the Big and Little Dippers. From memory, no phones until they're done.
I stopped to look for a moment, they were arguing about one of the stars. Finally placed it, then saw me. "See anything wrong?"
"Just one thing," i said. "This is the North Star, right?"
"Duh!" they mocked.
"Well, this is a Western wall. So the star points the way West."
"NO one cares," one said.
"Doesn't matter," the other agreed.
"Okay." I went about my business. On the way back, the pins are in neat rows, now. No constellation. Okay, whatever. Further on, i pass the board in the hallway outside my office area.

The hallway runs East-West. On the bulletin board on the North wall, there are two constellations picked out in pushpins....

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
So, half the family are vetrrans. Someone from the other half sent this around.

I appreciate the sentiment, Gay, I really do.
But when i tried to find toy diplomats to replace the little green Army men? I got a big case of Duplo Mats

...that they used as their battle maps.

#### Loren Pechtel

##### Super Moderator
Staff member
I have a Common Access Card (CAC) at work to access certain government sites. Today, it was not working. My credentials were refused, questioned, ignored, refused again, missing, found, lost...
I took the CAC out of the reader and set it down.
I have an expired pass from a military base i visited two years sgo, and it looks a lot like a CAC. I got that and, in full view of the access card, cut the pass into slivers.
Brushed theat into the trash, put the CAC back and immediately accessed the site. I laughed triumphantly.

That's when i found out a manager had been watching me for some time.

"What are you doing?"
"Motivating compliance, actually. I think it was Gand Moff Tarkin who said, 'Fear will keep them in line.' Something like that."

Now i have an appointment with my Lead...for some reason.

Doesn't work.

A while back Cox sent out an e-mail because I have a 3.0 modem and they were trying to encourage me to upgrade to a 3.1. I sure wasn't going to take them up on the rental bit but decided to upgrade the modem anyway. Bought the new one but didn't get it installed right away as I expected a fairly long hold on tech support to do so.

It got moved to where the existing modem could see it--and within a day the existing one went dodo. (I suspect it's wall wart died.) Turns out it wasn't a long hold at all.

And thinking back 20 years ago--we decided to get a new car. Saturn, no need to select from what was on the dealer's lot, ordering exactly what you wanted wouldn't cost more. We order the new car, get home and the old one lost it's clutch spring. (Given the mileage on the car that put the repair cost to even minimal function greater than it's value.)

Sometimes they just can't stand the competition and commit suicide.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Team Lead (not my team) gifts all his team members with electronic gift cards to a major restaurant chain. This was Xmas.

Last month, one of his people goes out on a business trip, takes another contractor to dinner at the chain.
At the end, he buys dinner. Shows the $30-off card to the waitress. She takes down the information. So, the gift card code works. She also took the name off the email. The sender's name. Finds that the team lead has a rewards program membership at that chain. And he's got two free meals to his credit. He ended up paying for about 25% of their bar tab. He thought the bill was ridiculously low, questioned it. Waitress: "Oh, we used your reward points." "Okay." It was like two weeks before he suddenly realized, "Hey! I don't HAVE a rewards membership at that place!" Which is about the time Team Lead discovered his free meals had been redeemed....in Seattle...while he was in Norfolk. #### Keith&Co. ##### Contributor Just had lunch at a drive-thru. Bill was$12.05. I gave her a $20 and a nickel. She handed me 8 cents. I must have looked like Tucker Carlson for a second, there. Part of my brain setting the type for the "You done me wrong" response, another part, a big part, trying to deconstruct what in the blue blazes sort of math error leads to 20.05 minus 12.05 equals .08. One look at my expression and she yanked the money back. "SHIT! I gave you eight cents instead of eight dollars!" We laughed, but she had to gef the manager to unlock the drawer. Manager watched her put in four coins, take out gour bills. Now SHE is trying to figure out what sort of change error was that big.... "Cheryl? A word?" Brief wait while th at was straightened out. Then the official apology. I was fine, we all have those moments. She tried real hard to make sure i not going to Karen at her or over her head. Wasn't quite prepared to take my, 'no biggie.' #### Loren Pechtel ##### Super Moderator Staff member Just had lunch at a drive-thru. Bill was$12.05. I gave her a $20 and a nickel. She handed me 8 cents. I must have looked like Tucker Carlson for a second, there. Part of my brain setting the type for the "You done me wrong" response, another part, a big part, trying to deconstruct what in the blue blazes sort of math error leads to 20.05 minus 12.05 equals .08. One look at my expression and she yanked the money back. "SHIT! I gave you eight cents instead of eight dollars!" We laughed, but she had to gef the manager to unlock the drawer. Manager watched her put in four coins, take out gour bills. Now SHE is trying to figure out what sort of change error was that big.... "Cheryl? A word?" Brief wait while th at was straightened out. Then the official apology. I was fine, we all have those moments. She tried real hard to make sure i not going to Karen at her or over her head. Wasn't quite prepared to take my, 'no biggie.' Unit error was my first thought when you described what happened. #### Angry Floof ##### Tricksy Leftits Staff member Just had lunch at a drive-thru. Bill was$12.05. I gave her a $20 and a nickel. She handed me 8 cents. I must have looked like Tucker Carlson for a second, there. Part of my brain setting the type for the "You done me wrong" response, another part, a big part, trying to deconstruct what in the blue blazes sort of math error leads to 20.05 minus 12.05 equals .08. One look at my expression and she yanked the money back. "SHIT! I gave you eight cents instead of eight dollars!" We laughed, but she had to gef the manager to unlock the drawer. Manager watched her put in four coins, take out gour bills. Now SHE is trying to figure out what sort of change error was that big.... "Cheryl? A word?" Brief wait while th at was straightened out. Then the official apology. I was fine, we all have those moments. She tried real hard to make sure i not going to Karen at her or over her head. Wasn't quite prepared to take my, 'no biggie.' Unit error was my first thought when you described what happened. Smarty pants. Stop making Keith look dumb. It could affect his self esteem. #### Keith&Co. ##### Contributor Just had lunch at a drive-thru. Bill was$12.05. I gave her a \$20 and a nickel.
She handed me 8 cents.

I must have looked like Tucker Carlson for a second, there. Part of my brain setting the type for the "You done me wrong" response, another part, a big part, trying to deconstruct what in the blue blazes sort of math error leads to 20.05 minus 12.05 equals .08.

One look at my expression and she yanked the money back. "SHIT! I gave you eight cents instead of eight dollars!"
We laughed, but she had to gef the manager to unlock the drawer. Manager watched her put in four coins, take out gour bills. Now SHE is trying to figure out what sort of change error was that big.... "Cheryl? A word?"

Brief wait while th at was straightened out. Then the official apology.

I was fine, we all have those moments. She tried real hard to make sure i not going to Karen at her or over her head. Wasn't quite prepared to take my, 'no biggie.'

Unit error was my first thought when you described what happened.

Smarty pants. Stop making Keith look dumb. It could affect his self esteem.
Hahahaha! Good one! Like my self esteem wasn't rooted in my ability to do crosswords and sudoku in ink. Other people are smart? Smarter? Good on them.

Of course, last week's 'cheese lover' clue turned out to be mouse, not Keith. Dammit.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
About seven or eight contractors work with Special Projects to train the sailors that operate our weapon systems on SSBNs and SSGNs.
They upgraded the database management system with all our curricula two weeks ago. Expected to be down for three days. System was out that entire week, the following week, and weekends. It's not all the way back up yet.
It's working for some people, not others.
No one's entirely sure where the problem is. They don't even recognize all the error messages we're getting.
My login was 40 minutes yesterday, 12 minutes today. Then the computer rebooted spontaneously and i was back to 40 minutes. Like the motherboard suddenly realized what it had done. "Whoops! Gotta take it back!"

So when i see people resisting the Vaccine because of a fear of some sort of mind control system being injected, i have to laugh.

A project to spread that sort of tech through the population would be instantly detectable. Not from people turning magnetic, but from the control systems that worked in the lab going wonky in the field.

All redheads suddenly cannot say 'perspicacious.' It'd be a while before anyone noticed, but then it'd be an internet challenge. Everyone would film their attempts to say the word, filling the comments with 'you're not a real redhead' and 'you don't know how to say it anyway, moron!'

Anyone passing a Shell gas station would lift their pinky fingers like tea drinkers in Victorian plays.

Certain ring tones cause the phone's owner to recite the witches' dialogue from MacBeth, including the cackling.

And on election day every fourth vaccinated person walks into a wall.

Seriously, the same people that scofff at weather forecasts because 'science ain't the hot shit it thinks it is' are afraid that we can DEPENDABLY coordinate THREE HUNDRED MILLION people in any meaningful way.
Think about it. If we could do this, we'd have dosed Congress by now, and Mitch would approve every bill we told him to.
Or if the other side could do this, Nancy Pelosi would have exploded during the SOTU.

Staff member

#### hyzer

##### Senior Member
Over in the caption contest thread this appeared:

Along with this winning caption by blastula: "Houston, TX - March 12, 1992. Elizabeth Holmes pitching her time machine startup to local investors. Her company would reach a peak valuation of 10 billion pogs."

I found this caption just the best, hilarious particularly if you have ever heard Elizabeth Holmes tell her story, with a straight face, about how she created a time machine, “filling up entire notebooks with detailed engineering drawings.” When she tells this story, she is serious. She is reflecting on this accomplishment like an actual entry on her resume . . . .

Which leads me to my story. In about 1969 or so, at the age of 9 or 10, I must have seen the movie Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea on TV. And since I liked to draw, and since my Dad was an engineer and naval architect (at the time a Commander in the US Navy), I set out to design my own submarine. Sitting at my little desk, I drew my submarine in cross section, including the control room with the periscope location clearly shown. Torpedo tubes in front, propeller out back, bunk room, mess rooms and everything else that I could think to cram in. I even used the side of my pencil and rubbed the drawing over a textured vinyl table cloth to represent the water around the sub (that was my Mom's idea, thanks Mom).

A few days later my Dad slipped my drawing into his brief and took it to work. One of the men in his office wrote up an official US Navy Letter of Accomplishment in Submarine Design and Undersea Warfare. It was signed, sealed and returned to me where stayed hung over my desk for several years (until I gravitated more toward an interest in the design of buildings).

But at no time in my adult life (as a licensed practicing architect) have I ever claimed that I actually designed a submarine . . .

Staff member

SLD

#### Loren Pechtel

##### Super Moderator
Staff member
Windflies?

I was out hiking, across the valley there was a wind farm. I got back after dark so I got to see the anticollision lights blinking on the tops of the windmills. Other than being red it looked a lot like nature documentaries with trees full of fireflies all blinking in unison.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Letter to teh editor (from my Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar):

There's been a lot of talk about the drought, lately, but has anyone stopped to think of the impact daylight savings has had on the climate? The extra hour of sunlight causes more evaporation and therefore drought. The two states that don't have daylight savings, QUeensland and WA, are not in drought. It seems to me we never had drought in the country before daylight savings came along.

#### Angry Floof

##### Tricksy Leftits
Staff member
He's not missing Shark Week!

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Holy crap!
I have sometimes heard stories told about events i witnessed. The older i get, somehow the more stories i hear told about something i did or participated in ("So, one of the interns comes into the Program office, all confused about 'There was this guy in a dinosaur suit running around distributing candy...' and we said, 'Yeah. He does that.' ") Today my son completes the 'I Am A Sea Story' achievement.

In about 2005, he went to High School with a bottle of hot sauce i brought back from Florida. It had crossed bones on the label. The stopper was shaped as a human skull. The instructions were very clear. You dipped a toothpick in the bottle, ONCE, stabbed your food, and then ate it.
An upper classman watchd this, thought it was a stupid, wimpie way to use hot sauce, grabbed the bottle and doused his food.
They ended up taking him to the nurse's office. Within a day, it was a rule that no outside condiments were allowed on campus.

So, today, my supervisor's kid goes to the same school. The 'condiments contraband' rule came up. He asked why. Was told, "There was this kid, his mom was a teacher, brought in this hot sauce from Guatemala. Dared some people to put it on their food, and three kids went to the HOSPITAL!"

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Evidently, my wife's work group discussion got on the topic of men's married fidelity. All the men, married and single, swore fidelity. At least to the current significant interest. All the married women believed their spouses were true.
My wife reported a conversation we had once.
"Would you cheat on me with a coworker?"
"Of course not."
"Would you cheat on me with a Playboy Playmate?"
"Never."
After a moment of thought, she asked, "Would you cheat on me with Lieutenant Uhura?"
"............... What would she be wearing, hypothetically speaking?"

#### TV and credit cards

##### Veteran Member
Letter to teh editor (from my Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar):

There's been a lot of talk about the drought, lately, but has anyone stopped to think of the impact daylight savings has had on the climate? The extra hour of sunlight causes more evaporation and therefore drought. The two states that don't have daylight savings, QUeensland and WA, are not in drought. It seems to me we never had drought in the country before daylight savings came along.
Every time we try to spring ahead, we end up falling back. Our true enemy has shown its face.

#### gmbteach

##### Mrs Frizzle
Letter to teh editor (from my Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar):

There's been a lot of talk about the drought, lately, but has anyone stopped to think of the impact daylight savings has had on the climate? The extra hour of sunlight causes more evaporation and therefore drought. The two states that don't have daylight savings, QUeensland and WA, are not in drought. It seems to me we never had drought in the country before daylight savings came along.
Yep, and apparently the cows get confused and your curtains fade quicker.

#### thebeave

##### Veteran Member
Holy crap!
I have sometimes heard stories told about events i witnessed. The older i get, somehow the more stories i hear told about something i did or participated in ("So, one of the interns comes into the Program office, all confused about 'There was this guy in a dinosaur suit running around distributing candy...' and we said, 'Yeah. He does that.' ") Today my son completes the 'I Am A Sea Story' achievement.

In about 2005, he went to High School with a bottle of hot sauce i brought back from Florida. It had crossed bones on the label. The stopper was shaped as a human skull. The instructions were very clear. You dipped a toothpick in the bottle, ONCE, stabbed your food, and then ate it.
An upper classman watchd this, thought it was a stupid, wimpie way to use hot sauce, grabbed the bottle and doused his food.
They ended up taking him to the nurse's office. Within a day, it was a rule that no outside condiments were allowed on campus.

So, today, my supervisor's kid goes to the same school. The 'condiments contraband' rule came up. He asked why. Was told, "There was this kid, his mom was a teacher, brought in this hot sauce from Guatemala. Dared some people to put it on their food, and three kids went to the HOSPITAL!"
That's been the plot of many a TV shows and movies. Reminds me of a particular favorite of mine:

Staff member

SLD

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Was just reminded of a bosun's mate we knew in Scotland. Don't know why.
His attention to detail, maybe.

The missile techs had to learn to drive the cranes used to put missiles on and off the submarines alongside the tender. They gained a seaman boatswain's mate. Call him Monte to protect the innocent.
Monte qualified all the stations for a missile move. He was good at most of them. So when we were scheduled to move a missile onto a boat that was going through a weapons inspection, the MT leading petty officer assigned him to being topside on the submarine to receive the missile.

They got started. The area was roped off for security, the adapter loaded and bolted to the tube, tools inventoried, procedures checked. Monte had a lot to do, so they usually just taped the button down on his headset and he broadcast continuously.
They were just about ready to lift the missile out of the magazine when one of the inspectors came into the area, the Full Bird Captain in charge of the inspection team.
Monte: Excuse me, sir, we're about to bring the missile over.
Captain: That's fine, that's what i'm here fore.
M: Yes, sir, but safety rules require everyone in the area have on safety shoes and a hard hat.
C: I'll be fine.
M: I'm sure you will, sir, because we're not moving the missile until you leave or are properly dressed.
C: I'm not actually part of the missile move, just observing.
M: If you're observing from inside the area, you have to have hard hat and safety shoes.

I was on the phones for the emergency firefighting team. Monte started off polite and respectful. As the Captain kept refusing to obey the rules put down by the Admiral, he got louder, terse, and his Puerto Rican accent came on strong. I also heard the MT LPO giggling at his station, as his phones were also taped open.
M: Sir, we're not bringing the missile down with you here, like that.
C: Well, I'm not leaving until the missile comes down.
M: Then we gonna be here a while.
C: Look Petty Officer, you do your job, I'll do mine.
M: BOSUN SEAMAN, JACKASS! And I AM doing my job!

About this time, the skipper of the submarine, a Commander, runs up outside the area, having been alerted by the boat's phone talker that there was a little problem.
Skipper: It's okay! I authorize him to be in the area!
M: (turns to Skipper) WRONG, Dickhead! This motherfucker has to have hard hat and safety shoes and that's the ADMIRAL'S rule!

Also, about the time he shouted 'jackass,' the LPO yanked off his phones and started running. I heard 'Leavingthearea!' then he made VERY good time down five decks and the brow.
LPO: I relieve you.
M: These idiots-
LPO: It's okay. Man the magazine (as far from the inspection as he could possibly be moved).
M: But this guy-
LPO: I'll take care of it. (Phones shift)
C: Well, I'm glad you sent him away.
L: Yes, sir, it was very wrong of him to disrespect you like that.
C: So, we can get on with the move, now?
L: Yes, sir, as soon as you leave or get safety shoes and a hard hat.
C: I thought we established-
L: He was disrespectful. He wasn't wrong.
Ten minutes later, the Captain stormed out. A first class petty officer on the team came up to observe topside.

Monte also maintained he did nothing wrong. We had to point out, "Dude, it's really, really wrong to call a Captain a dickhead."
That's when he lost it, screaming at us, "I CALLED THE COMMANDER A DICKHEAD AND THE CAPTAIN A MOTHERFUCKER! GET IT FUCKING RIGHT!"

For a wonder, nothing ever came of this. I expect the Captain complained, but maybe someone asked if his dignity was worth explaining his actions at Monte's captain's mast.
Or else either the Commodore or our Weps told him to pack sand. But respectfully, I'm sure.

#### SLD

##### Veteran Member
Was just reminded of a bosun's mate we knew in Scotland. Don't know why.
His attention to detail, maybe.

The missile techs had to learn to drive the cranes used to put missiles on and off the submarines alongside the tender. They gained a seaman boatswain's mate. Call him Monte to protect the innocent.
Monte qualified all the stations for a missile move. He was good at most of them. So when we were scheduled to move a missile onto a boat that was going through a weapons inspection, the MT leading petty officer assigned him to being topside on the submarine to receive the missile.

They got started. The area was roped off for security, the adapter loaded and bolted to the tube, tools inventoried, procedures checked. Monte had a lot to do, so they usually just taped the button down on his headset and he broadcast continuously.
They were just about ready to lift the missile out of the magazine when one of the inspectors came into the area, the Full Bird Captain in charge of the inspection team.
Monte: Excuse me, sir, we're about to bring the missile over.
Captain: That's fine, that's what i'm here fore.
M: Yes, sir, but safety rules require everyone in the area have on safety shoes and a hard hat.
C: I'll be fine.
M: I'm sure you will, sir, because we're not moving the missile until you leave or are properly dressed.
C: I'm not actually part of the missile move, just observing.
M: If you're observing from inside the area, you have to have hard hat and safety shoes.

I was on the phones for the emergency firefighting team. Monte started off polite and respectful. As the Captain kept refusing to obey the rules put down by the Admiral, he got louder, terse, and his Puerto Rican accent came on strong. I also heard the MT LPO giggling at his station, as his phones were also taped open.
M: Sir, we're not bringing the missile down with you here, like that.
C: Well, I'm not leaving until the missile comes down.
M: Then we gonna be here a while.
C: Look Petty Officer, you do your job, I'll do mine.
M: BOSUN SEAMAN, JACKASS! And I AM doing my job!

About this time, the skipper of the submarine, a Commander, runs up outside the area, having been alerted by the boat's phone talker that there was a little problem.
Skipper: It's okay! I authorize him to be in the area!
M: (turns to Skipper) WRONG, Dickhead! This motherfucker has to have hard hat and safety shoes and that's the ADMIRAL'S rule!

Also, about the time he shouted 'jackass,' the LPO yanked off his phones and started running. I heard 'Leavingthearea!' then he made VERY good time down five decks and the brow.
LPO: I relieve you.
M: These idiots-
LPO: It's okay. Man the magazine (as far from the inspection as he could possibly be moved).
M: But this guy-
LPO: I'll take care of it. (Phones shift)
C: Well, I'm glad you sent him away.
L: Yes, sir, it was very wrong of him to disrespect you like that.
C: So, we can get on with the move, now?
L: Yes, sir, as soon as you leave or get safety shoes and a hard hat.
C: I thought we established-
L: He was disrespectful. He wasn't wrong.
Ten minutes later, the Captain stormed out. A first class petty officer on the team came up to observe topside.

Monte also maintained he did nothing wrong. We had to point out, "Dude, it's really, really wrong to call a Captain a dickhead."
That's when he lost it, screaming at us, "I CALLED THE COMMANDER A DICKHEAD AND THE CAPTAIN A MOTHERFUCKER! GET IT FUCKING RIGHT!"

For a wonder, nothing ever came of this. I expect the Captain complained, but maybe someone asked if his dignity was worth explaining his actions at Monte's captain's mast.
Or else either the Commodore or our Weps told him to pack sand. But respectfully, I'm sure.
I’m stunned that any inspecting officer would do this unless he was testing their resolve. But he should have smiled at the first sign of resistance and said well done. Then stepped out and gotten his hard hat and shoes on. He had to know the rules unless he was some airedale who’d never seen a missile move. I mean you don’t just violate basic safety rules. Death is not a respecter of rank. I was involved in many missile moves as a JO but always did what the guys responsible for safety said as well as the NWSG.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
I’m stunned that any inspecting officer would do this unless he was testing their resolve.
I doubt that. Generally, the weapons inspection teams never set us up for failure. They did pounce on errors, which they could detect from fifty feet with one eye tied behind their back. But you had to do it to yourself.

More sporting that way.

#### Loren Pechtel

##### Super Moderator
Staff member
I’m stunned that any inspecting officer would do this unless he was testing their resolve. But he should have smiled at the first sign of resistance and said well done. Then stepped out and gotten his hard hat and shoes on. He had to know the rules unless he was some airedale who’d never seen a missile move. I mean you don’t just violate basic safety rules. Death is not a respecter of rank. I was involved in many missile moves as a JO but always did what the guys responsible for safety said as well as the NWSG.

What difference would a hard hat make? That sort of weight, you're hit, you're dead.

Staff member

#### Elixir

What difference would a hard hat make? That sort of weight, you're hit, you're dead.
Being dead is one thing. Making an unnecessarily horrible crimson mess is another.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor

What difference would a hard hat make? That sort of weight, you're hit, you're dead.
If the whole missile falls, yes. The crushed yellow or blue or red plastic makes it easier to identify the bodies.
If, however, a nut comes loose on the hoist at the top of the load tube, or a guide rope parts, or someone turns around carrying that three-foot long wrench just as you kneel down to keep the alignment pin from tipping into the tube, you miiiiiiiiiight appreciate a layer between you and the offending article. Maybe.

#### bilby

##### Fair dinkum thinkum
What difference would a hard hat make? That sort of weight, you're hit, you're dead.
See, this is why risk assessment isn't left to amateurs. You are committing the very common error of assuming that the worst case accident is the only accident you need to consider.

This error can come from simple attention blindness - thinking about one possible failure to the exclusion of all others; Or it can arise from an incorrect assumption that the worst case necessarily incorporates all lesser failure modes.

There are plenty of minor incidents that could occur which would become major incidents if those involved were inadequately dressed. As Keith points out above.