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Things that make you laugh...

So, I brought three bottles of pop-rocks into the office.
Wasabi flavored, bacon flavored, beer flavored.

The Wasabi smells like engine exhaust, the beer smells like mildew, the bacon like there was a grease fire a while ago, before it rained...

Coworker #1 took it upon himself to open the bacon bottle and slide it behind coworker #2's desk fan. Soon the entire room stank. But #2 did not react. He was engrossed in the file he was reviewing.
#1 was upset that there was no reaction. Well, not NO reaction. Other people in the room were looking around in suspicion.

Not to worry, I said. I walked to the far side of #2's cube, turned to #1. "Hey, #1, do you smell buttered popcorn?"

And everyone responds to that question by a sharp sniff.

#2 bolts out of his cube, swinging the bottle, asking who's the dickfaced shitgibbon that did this and where's the lid?
 
Overheard part of a conversation while dining with my family:
"You're not a hunter-gatherer, Tom, you're eating a burrito!"
 
My grandpa stressed over and over that the wild burritos that he hunted as a youth were more cunning and fierce than these tame burritos that the kids today dink around with.
 
So, i'm driving. I'm trying to navigate the potholes, the traffic, and the cop directing traffic around the phone company truck and whatever maintenance the crew is doing.
Wife has the leisure to look at the crew.
"I see we're getting new poles."
"Sure," i said, "white immigrants get in easily."
Supposed to be a rule against hitting the driver. I mean, really, BOTH our lives were in the line.

Might have been fucking dangerous if i hadn't pretty well gauged her likely response and braced myself...
 
Satire? Alternative universe transmission? You be the judge.

A senator, as you know, is someone empowered by the Constitution to go on cable news and state opinions. A senator can do nothing to restrain the executive branch. In the system of checks and balances designed by the Founding Fathers, the Senate is neither.


The Senate is an appendix, a vestigial organ whose function no one can determine, so it just sits there and sometimes rumbles ominously after meals. Aside from its traditional role of acting as a rubber-stamp for judicial appointees, it is a kind of cheery bobblehead designed by the Constitution to stare at what the Executive is doing and offer tacit approval. It is decorative, not functional — like a pocket square, or a succulent in a dentist’s waiting room, or the “Share On Facebook” button at the bottom of an article.
Click to expand...
 
Coworked couldn't get lab time until the weekend, i had to go in to unlock a safe for him.
When i got there, he'd found a flock of other twelve-year-olds over in Programming. They were all shouting at each other, screaming like someone about to charge a machine gun nest.
As i come down the hall, one of the programners runs up to me, shouts, "SHOW ME YOUR KILL FACE, SON!!"

I relax my face, my eyes going dead, my voice flat. "I know which tree faces your bedroom window."
He pauses, all swagger gone in his confusion. "There's no tree in my yard..."

"It's the neighbor's tree. I have a scope, of course."

Gonna be one of THOSE conversations on Monday, about not making fellow employees afraid to sleep at night... "Oh, he was fine, nodded of by two AM."
 
Did the shopping.
Eight jillion toddlers in the carts, all staring at me as they went by. I waved, smiled, said hello.

One girl made a face. I was simply forced to make one back. She thought i was the funniest thing she'd seen her whole life and shrieked.

Mim spun around, asked why i was talking to her daughter.
"I wasn't talking, i was making faces and she started it!" Kid shrieked again, mom realized it was glee, not alarm, didn't press charges for a drive by silly...
 
Watching right wing authoritarian followers trying the boycott thing on the companies that sponsor The View. Do they not realize that half those companies are ones that liberals want to be boycotted anyway? lol What the fuck y'all rednecks gonna do without Kraft Mayonnaise and Gatorade?
 
Someone celebrated their 1-year service anniversary in the department. An email marked the occasion.
She replied with a nice note about how great it is to work in this department, how great the people are, the attitudes, the work, all that.

I wrote a note to the four people in my particular unit, "I hope I don't have to pretend to like you farkwits when my anniversary comes up..."

Eighteen goddamned years at this company without hitting 'reply to all' by accident... Thought I could make it to 20.

But no.

No, today I have made a bitter enemy. Maybe two.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Someone celebrated their 1-year service anniversary in the department. An email marked the occasion.
She replied with a nice note about how great it is to work in this department, how great the people are, the attitudes, the work, all that.

I wrote a note to the four people in my particular unit, "I hope I don't have to pretend to like you farkwits when my anniversary comes up..."

Eighteen goddamned years at this company without hitting 'reply to all' by accident... Thought I could make it to 20.

But no.

No, today I have made a bitter enemy. Maybe two.
Click to expand...

Welcome to the latest episode of "This is my life" !!!
 
Oi.

Emergency rooms are... Different after 2330 at night...

Guy sitting next to us, who was brought in drunk with small strange cuts on his chest, kept asking the receptionist where he was in the triage line. She kept pointing out that the heart attack was ahead of him, as was the gunshot victim. Kind of, you know, the whole POINT of using triage...

So he asked to borrow the phone. Ten minutes later, the cop that hangs out at ER came over to him and pointed out that the psyche ward has caller ID. And the ER has security cameras. And timestamps on the video so they know exactly who was on the phone at the time of the call. So, and you should always remember this, so you do NOT call the hospital, from the hospital, to make threatening statements about what's going to happen to hospital staff when they get off shift. They don't like that. They don't like that SO very much. And as much as cops hate paperwork they really hate people threatening hospital staff.

"SO DON'T MAKE ME TAZE YOU! YOU GOT THAT!?"

Guy mumbles something. Cop seems unsatisfied.

I'm sorry, but I could not help but report, "I've got that. Do you have that, honey?"
Mrs. &Co. probably got that, but she was reluctant to enter the conversation sufficiently to affirm her reception. If anything, I believe her contribution was limited to the not mutually exclusive desires that a) I leave her out of this and b) I shut the fuck up.
Cut boy then wondered aloud if he'd move up the priority line if he peed his pants.
I had just opened my mouth to suggest he move closer to the receptionist (and away from me) before attempting this. That was all. I swears on my mom's grave (which she's picked out, but doesn't currently occupy).


Wife thinks I'm about to suggest something else just to see if he'd do it. "No, SHIT your pants," or something. Slaps me, HARD. I mean, painfully hard.
She's mean like that when she's sure the cop is going to take her side in any complaint I try to file...
 
eggs.jpg

Someone suggested that the awards need names. Like the Navy has a Meritorious Unit Commendation (called the MUC, pronounced "Muck"), a Navy Unit Commendation ("Nuck"). We'd suggested the Service Unit Commendation and the Fleet Unit Commendation, but they never got picked up....

Anyway:

Breakfast Unit Commendation (BUC) Recognition for service as part of a balanced defense, showing valuable teamwork.

Aggression With Kudos (AWK) Recognition for successfully taking initiative against the enemy.

Outstanding Volunteer Award (OVA)Recognition for taking initiative against the enemy. Not necessarily successfully. Usually posthumous.

Yorktown Legion of Kindness (YLK) Recognition for not being a hard-boiled bastard to one's subordinates

Service Honors for Effective Logistics (SHEL) Recognition for consistent preparedness to support readiness, never having to scramble to reach goals

Distinguished Volunteer in Life (DVIL) Recognition for consistently being sunny during a lifetime in service

Presidential Kudos for Long Deployment (PKLD) Recognition for efforts requiring a long shelf-life

Service Award for Loyalty to Traditions (SALT) Recognition for observance of cherished rituals
 
A parody of Nazi death metal bands.

Neckbeard Deathcamp - White Nationalism Is For Basement Dwelling Losers

https://neckbearddeathcamp.bandcamp.com/album/white-nationalism-is-for-basement-dwelling-losers

Song list


[TABLE="class: track_list track_table"]
[TR="class: track_row_view linked"]
[TD="class: track-number-col"]1.
[/TD]
[TD="class: title-col"] Cucked (Intro) 01:49

[/TD]
[TD="class: info-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: download-col"]

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="class: track_row_view linked"]
[TD="class: play-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: track-number-col"]2.

[/TD]
[TD="class: title-col"] The Left Are the Real Fascists 02:55
[/TD]
[TD="class: info-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: download-col"]

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="class: track_row_view linked"]
[TD="class: play-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: track-number-col"]3.
[/TD]
[TD="class: title-col"] Zyklon /b/ 04:53
[/TD]
[TD="class: info-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: download-col"]

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="class: track_row_view linked"]
[TD="class: play-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: track-number-col"]4.
[/TD]
[TD="class: title-col"] XXXL Obersturmfuhrer Leather Duster 02:58
[/TD]
[TD="class: info-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: download-col"]

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="class: track_row_view linked"]
[TD="class: play-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: track-number-col"]5.
[/TD]
[TD="class: title-col"] Incel Warfare 03:21
[/TD]
[TD="class: info-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: download-col"]

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="class: track_row_view linked"]
[TD="class: play-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: track-number-col"]6.
[/TD]
[TD="class: title-col"] Please Respond (I Showed You My Penis) 04:18
[/TD]
[TD="class: info-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: download-col"]

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="class: track_row_view linked"]
[TD="class: play-col"][/TD]
[TD="class: track-number-col"]7.
[/TD]
[TD="class: title-col"] The Fetishization ov Asian Women Despite a Demand for a Pure White Race (Outro) 03:24
Outro


[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
Warning, the "music" is terrible
 
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